Last couple months have been horrible. Barely get a kiss at night, i love you's are muffled and under her breath. I started documenting oddities in her schedule. Having to stay late, going out with odd family members i didnt know. She was posting cleavage shots on fb. Then she blocked me. I looked up her cell history on valentines day. Sure enough a number appeared from jan 19th to feb 12th. 80 texts a day. texts until she went out, then after she came home. Leads me to believe they were together. 46 min phone convo that burns my [censored] while i was in the garage working.

So valentines night of all nights i confronted her with my findings. All denied of course, i said lemme see your phone, prove me to be the [censored]. It was in her car. I said let me see it, i deleted everything. So in the morning i grabbed her phone, demanded the pw. She gave it up and told me to keep the damn phone. The number in question wasnt there but another was, stuff like come over tonight. Then she said we cant be doing what we were, im kinda seeing someone and its getting serious.

She said the serious relationship was me. Wouldnt disclose the name of the main number. So she deleted the fb, we got tested for STDs because i was symptomatic, she has been my only partner. Hers was clean mine not in yet. I told her today that i cant get that number off my mind and i want to know who it is. She says its noone and thats the way its gonna stay. Makes me think i know the person. Now im getting accused of not trusting her and i never will. Well wtf do you expect. She swears nothing happened of course.

This week was great until today, she was close to me, i almost felt loved. But im annoyed the other number wont return my calls, texts nothing. Spineless [censored]. The number hasnt been on her phone since the 12th but tonight i see a 0000006245 or something that i read is instant msg to help hide identity. I plan to nab her phone in the morning to see what it is.

The fb is totaly under my control so it cant be reactivated by her without my consent. Changed email and pw. I just dont know what to do, she says she wants to make it work but the thought of her legs spread for another man then come home to sleep with me turns my stomach. 13 years of marriage and 3 kids.

Now she says anything else she would have to say to me would hurt me to much. I'm not really sure i want to know the details but my mind has a vision in place, i cant believe it could be worse. I've read a bunch on this site. She set me up when i grabbed her phone which msgs were deleted, left her doors unlocked. She always locks her car so i locked the doors after i checked the phone. Said she knew i'd look so she made it easy for me. I want to keep digging but i have a feeling i screwed up. She now knows im looking and if she wants it to continue even though we agreed on NC she'll just take it deep underground.

And thinking back on it ive determined im a spineless man. I let her always have her way, avoided conflict. She would give me PR answers that would pacify me. I'm not even sure i want to make it work. I think i do still care for her for some odd reason but maybe i fear divorce because of the financial strain and hurt on our kids. I know disclosure to the kids is talked about but they do real well in school, dont act out i dont want to distract them with problems they cant control.

Welcome to marriagebuilders! Sorry that you have experienced infidelity as many of us here have.

Your first step is to find out who she is having an affair with by snooping. Check out the Operation Investigate forum for tips. Then you need to expose the affair in order to kill it.

Have you read the first thread on this forum? The "start here" thread? That will give you your game plan. If you stick with it, you will be able to kill the affair, restore your marriage and it will be better than the one you had before.

You will need a spine to get through this. Follow the advice here and you will get stronger.

Yes ive read so much over the last week my mind is going a million different directions. I ran a cell number check on the number, no name came back. Wont return my texts, calls, tried from other phones. Today when she gets home im demanding full disclosure because i cant forgive something that i dont know what im forgiving.

beenhurtagain, I am sorry you have had to find yourself here, but I am glad you found Marriage Builders. You have come to the right place. These people have been where you are, and they will be able to give you the best advice and guidance. Whether or not you are able to recover your marriage, YOU will be better for the guidance you get here to become a better man. At first, it can be difficult because they will tell you things you don't want to hear, and your reaction to that will be anger. You will feel anger because there is usually some truth in what they are saying. DON'T let the truth make you angry. That will just delay your growth and in your growing a spine. They tell it like it is, so face it and own it.

Also, remember, you can't believe anything your wife is saying to you. She will minimize and hide the truth because she is addicted to the feelings that she is having for this OM. That does not mean that all is lost. The veterans here know exactly how to combat this and guide you. Don't ever doubt that you ARE at war here.

I hope that today, you can sit down and really think about yourself and what you want and deserve. You are no less deserving of love, happiness and peace than anyone else. We get into these ruts over the course of our marriages for many different reasons, and thus lose sight of our own value. So, I really want you to center yourself today by regaining your sense of value and self respect and love and care for yourself. Then, draw some boudaries. You WILL NOT allow __________ or _____________. Don't ever lower those boundaries again!

Keep checking in here. You really will get the best of advice and guidance here.

I know that you want to confront her, but that is a bad idea. I was in your shoes once and confronted my WH about a number on his phone that he was constantly texting and talking to at all day and night. I got the
"We're just friends" garbage. And I believed it! I didn't like it and told him so, but didn't feel I had a right to make him stop.

Then I found this site. And I stayed quiet and I snooped. And I found out he was having an affair with a co-worker.

What I am is saying is keep your cards close to your chest for now. Let her think you aren't suspicious. Get into James bond mode and find out who the POS is. Hire a pi. Put spyware on the phone. Find out who and what and then you can move to the next step. Knowledge is power. Can you do that?

Voice activated digital recording device hidden in her car and another one in the house then give her some space.

She might have a secret cell phone.

Also...it's likely the other man is married too and with you hot on the trail they are cooling it (or ending it) because it's just too risky. With it supposedly being over you might have a tougher time getting the truth. That's where the VAR's will help. Even if she's not talking to OM...she'll likely blab about it with a girlfriend in the know.

Read the investigation forum for tips on how to spy and use the VAR. Stop demanding she fess up and give her some space....it's much easier and more accurate to snoop the truth out yourself.

The Wall of Denial is tall...but once you overcome it...it crumbles, you can do your exposure and assess your upcoming battle for your family.

Be calm...YOU WILL MAKE IT.

Godspeed,
Mr. Wondering

Oh...and be careful with your computer and being logged into MB. Don't bring her here or tell her about this place just yet.

W

Excellent advice. Be vigilant. Just because you find nothing does not mean there is nothing to be be found. Keep looking and give it time. Also, make sure you read up on Plan A in that thread I referenced earlier. While you are being James Bond you also want to meet her needs and be the best dang husband you can be. No angry outbursts, no selfish demands, and no disrespectful judgements.

She might have a secret cell phone.
Kinda like saying the sun might rise in the East tomorrow.

Sorry you've found it necessary to be here, my friend, but this is where you SHOULD be, it seems!

Here is your game plan. Most betrayed husbands haven't the courage to follow it fully,
to their own discomfiture. Those that do have remarkably better results than the rest.

NEVERGUESSED'S BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. ("Eblaster" can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take "personal" calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and "on" whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife's contacts, to the tune of: "I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333"
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM's contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

Good advice wish I would of followed it sooner. Bottom line do those steps with no fear and without anger. Think stealth as well.

Click on the Carrot/Stick link in my sig line. Be sure to start reading at the first post, otherwise it will not make sense.

Courage and self control are in order.

bha, I suspect that you do NOT know this person because of this text:
This leads me to believe that this is a FaceBook hookup - possibly an old school or college boyfriend. If he was a co-worker or knew any mutual friends, he would know your WW is married with kids.

She's also flashing her boobs on FB. I suggest you get into her account and pick it apart to look for anyone you don't know. See if you can read any messages that she may have gotten that she didn't delete.

As far as deactivating FB: she can set up another account so that she and OM can stay in contact. Same with her email. I suggest you get a keylogger on her computer without her knowledge to track her online activities. Which is exactly why you need to get that keylogger on her computer asap. You also might want to pick up a VAR for her car, as well as a GPS.

I wondering what your screen name means? Has she done something like this before?

You haven't been a spineless man. You've been a caring husband who wanted his wife to be happy. She took advantage of your trust and love for her.

You need to tell your kids now. They are already aware that something bad is happening. You don't want them to believe that anything that is happening right now is their fault. Kids have a tendency to blame themselves when there is trouble in the family - and there IS trouble in your family right now, not just your marriage. Everything that is happening is going to affect them. You want them to know the truth of what is going on. Also, their knowledge and condemnation of your WW's activities will cause great conflict on her affair. You WANT that conflict.

Well after more investigating i found out who it is. Dont really know him but alot of people i know do. Hes a pos but that kind of goes without saying. I finally put it all together when i realized he blocked me from fb. So yeah it was a fb hookup, i hate that place with a passion. I've told everyone the situation knowing how people like to spread rumors. Hes a paid fireman so it should be through the station in no time.

I'm assuming shes gone into super hide mode. Tells me her doors are unlocked just dont lock her keys in the car if i decide to go through it. She leaves her phone beside me and goes outside. My bro in law has a var, gonna grab it from him today.

I probably screwed up last night, i havent done anything alone in 6 years. Went out with my bro and couple friends. Had way to much to drink and it made me more emotionally wrecked. Only positive last night i found out the POSOM broke his leg or hip last night. Karma can be a [censored].

So is she willing to go no contact with him? Or does she not care that you know now and is unwilling to end her adultery?

Which means she has an affair phone. Look for it - it will be somewhere that is easy to access when she goes outside.

Go to the fire station and tell the captain yourself. Don't count on gossips to do your work for you.

Please answer my question. Has she done this before?

I agree gossip isn't effective. Do it yourself and stop downing yourself. Follow the advice here and you will have a better outlook on things.

She says there is NC. Only reason i could believe it is there was daily contact from jan 19th to feb 12th. I confronted her on the 14th. 2 days with NC. I feel like she was feeling guilty before this. The week prior she apologized out of the blue for saying her mind wasnt where it should be and she did love me. But maybe she could tell i was sensing something and trying to nip it.

I shouldnt say outside. Yesterday she went down to clean her car out and left phone on couch over my head. I checked it she came up few mins later got some cleaning stuff then dropped it in her purse. I went down as she was cleaning car, she told me when i go through the bag of garbage from her car that i was gonna find a box for a car phone charger and it was just a charger for her phone not a cheater phone.

I've gone through her car numerous times cant find another phone. Gone through her purse, dresser nothing. The garage doubles as a cabinet shop for me so she couldnt hide one in there anywhere.

Yes she did do this once before, met a guy at an out of town wedding and had an emotional affair. 5 years ago.