ALF, have you done the ENQs with your H? Check it out here Emotional Needs Questionnaire

That will give you a starting point to determine what both of your most important needs are. You'll want to concentrate of meeting his top 5 needs. You need to build your UA time around meeting these needs. Concentrate on 25-30 hours per week in UA time. That sounds daunting, but it can be accomplished. You need this time together to rebuild your love for each other.

Why did you decide that SF was off the table?

ALF,

I totally agree with getting your anger under control. I struggle with anger also.

What is your plan to deal with this? Do you have the book Love Busters? Do you think you need Anger Busters?

Have you hit him? Broke any objects?

When was the last time you had SF with him?

Maritalbliss, 25-30 hours per week does sound incredibly daunting. We're busting our butts to get as much as possible and we're eeking out about 20. We will do the emotional needs questionnaire, thanks. About sf, it just wasnt all that enjoyable for me, plus I had all these great wrongs built up in my mind that he had done to me so my desire was nonexistent. These were such things (perceived by me) as verbal and emotional mistreatment, controlling, double standards.

Brain hurts, I don't really have a definitive plan to deal with it. I haven't had much desire to really control it before. I'm just trying to do all the things the Harley's address in that radio segment. I hit him. I broke a drawer once when I slammed it but I don't throw objects. I've been recently diagnosed with bad hormone levels and as that gets treated I am finding my anger is lessening, by is still a problem. We've been having sf 2-6 times per week for the last month.

ALF, I am going to suggest that you slot out a period of time each day for some type of intimacy with your H. I'm not saying to just start jumping on his bones every evening when he gets home from work. But you have managed to eliminate what is surely one of your H's top ENs.

Would you be willing to do this? Please read an article that Dr. Harley has written concerning SF that may be of interest to you:
Changing a Willingness to Make Love to a Desire to Make Love

MB, great advice. I have been doing this. More intimacy and we have sf more often than not. I think it annoys him sometimes because he thinks I'm faking. Like with the touchy huggy kissy stuff. He's really good at sf and my drive has gone way up so that all helps. Thanks for the article!

I'm back because I need some advice. Things have been up and down the past year. My husband has been working hard to make amends since his affair. He is transparent and checking up on him verifies there is no affair or lack of boundaries. He goes out of his way to make me feel loved. But he is unwilling to read anything about Marriage Builders. He puts in half the effort to get and plan UA time, but he has told me before he thinks it's not a big deal, many couples with young kids don't get time, that's just how it is. He wouldn't do the EN quiz or LB quiz. He was ready and happily willing to review my results if I did it. And I believe I know what his EN's are so I'm not sure how important that is.

I have greatly eliminated my AOs, and if I do yell I stop myself almost immediately and leave until I calm down. The problem I have is with his AOs. He won't directly yell at me, but if he feels stressed over something (usually that the kids do) he'll walk through the house ranting about how his life is constant stress. This happens often and it triggers me terribly as it makes me think of his affair and how he thought everything would be better if he was with someone who understood him better and just naturally had a compatible love language. It makes me feel extreme panic. I think if I could stop feeling this panic I could completely eliminate my AOs. I think the problem is being terrified that he'll cheat on me again, not because I'm afraid of being alone or going through divorce, but because I can only envision this scenario where he makes life a living hell for me. When he was in his affair and I told him to leave he freaked out, the only time I've ever seen him out of control of himself, yelling that he'd never leave his kids. If I knew that if he ever cheated on me again, he'd immediately leave and divorce me, I'd feel so much better.

I guess I'm just asking for advice on how to deal with the fear and panic. I don't think I'd be able to demand he go with marriagebuilders 100% or else, because of how horribly I treated him before.

Will he get into an anger management program?

Here.
Anger Management 101
What to Do With an Angry Husband

No, he won't go to anger management. I've read the two articles you posted, many times. The first has helped me alot. The second doesn't seem applicable. Call 911, when he's ranting about his stress, not even all that loudly? I in no way feel threatened by him on any level other than thinking he'll be awful if he ever gets in the fog again. I've been able to learn to calm myself down in most situations except a very few, and this one tops the list. Fortunately I don't let it get to anger much anymore, it just sticks at panic.

How much UA time are you getting weekly?

I read through your thread, and it doesn't sound like you set your conditions for recovery very high.

Your husband owes you Just Compensation. Have you made a list of Extraordinary Precautions that he must follow for the rest of his life? Your panic might stop when you are assured that he is completely transparent.

Just Compensation also includes building a marriage that is MUCH better than the one before the affair. You would each be meeting the others ENs and avoiding love busters, completely eliminating anger. You would make the time for UA a top priority in your lives.

Sure, fifteen hours a week seems unrealistic to many people, and, your husband is right, lots of people don't do it. BUT that's one reason so many married people aren't in love with each other. It takes a concerted effort to plot out the time each week.

Have you eliminated your anger problem? Dr. Harley recommends only anger programs that focus on learning to relax when frustrated instead of becoming angry. Exercise and letting off steam might be fine for some times, but there will be times when you can't go for a run, or you don't have a punching bag handy. Relaxation actually trains your brain to respond appropriately.

Your H's anger, even when not directed at you, is a big love buster for you. He needs to stop doing this, and he can learn how to relax instead of ranting and making those around him miserable.

I would read Surviving an Affair again and make sure you covered all the points.

Have you read this?
What is Just Compensation?

Generally 15-20 hours. There are weeks when we get less but they're not often, less than once per month.

EPs are the standard, no OS friends, no nights apart (we never had these anyway), always able to contact each other and letting know immediately if there are any deviations in plans for the day. He does his fair share to plan out the UA time, and we both enjoy it. He just thinks I'm being over the top if we go a week without enough and I get stressed about it. I've explained to him this is something I need to feel secure so he takes it seriously without me having to nag. He will also listen to me if I say I feel I have an EN that isn't being met, and I believe he takes it seriously, he just gets overwhelmed with the other stuff going on in life that it doesn't always feel like a priority.

I have not completely eliminated my anger problem, which is why I'm here. I've made a lot of progress but I've just been stuck at getting to 100%. I'm close. It feels good.

I will go through SAA again, thanks for the suggestion.

Yes. Well, I've read the text but haven't listened to the shows. He is working on our marriage. He has stopped many of his DJs and has been making good progress on other behavior I felt was controlling. He also quit a rec sports league that I had been complaining about his doing for years because I felt it caused him too much stress and took too much of his time. I feel like I've been compensated. I no longer have any bitterness about the affair, and before he did those things I was bitter and extremely pissed.

I feel like the next best step for us is to introduce him to POJA but it just seems like a huge task. I'm extremely introverted, not much of a talker. I can see explaining this and him having a lot of questions, and questions and talking drain me. I have considered typing it out, but he gets overwhelmed reading about stuff like this, he can pick it up better by talking through it.

Dr. Harley has said that many men don't like reading. Why not consider sitting with your H and both of you listening to the radio clips together? That way Dr. Harley can say it best and very persuasively.

Perhaps Brainhurts can link a couple of shows about the basics of the POJA and how fundamental this policy is to a great marriage. We have lived a marriage both ways: with and without. And although the POJA does indeed make decisions a little more complicated, we both love the result and would never go back to what we had before.

Here's a good show on POJA about moving. The two sets I've posted, are with the same couple.
Radio Clip on POJA On Moving 1st Time
Segment #2
Segment #3


Radio Clip on Moving
Segment #2
Segment #3

Let me know if there are another example of POJA I can post for you.

Thank you both. I will read up on the links you posted. I have already implemented parts of it, such as only discussing issues when I'm acting in a safe and calm manner, and I can tell that he's responding more calmly himself.

I need some advice. I found a text on my husband's phone over a week ago from February from a number I didn't recognize and wasn't in his phone. Just "happy birthday :)". I paid for an intelius search and got a name, number, address. It tells me it's a lady in her 50s. I can find almost no info for her. No facebook, no social media. I may've found a workplace but searching for that provides no additional details. I already tried calling once and got voicemail. I'll call back but I'm not sure what to say?? Also, is it OK doing this without my husband's knowledge at this point? If this is someone he legitimately knows I don't want to embarass him. He's transparent as far as I can double check at this point, and this message was on his phone which he knows I check.

First all if it's someone your husband knows then why don't you know her? Does your husband have opposite-Sex friendships?

When you did the search, you have the name?