Well I've re-read the threads and I must admit....

I'm very confident in the accuracy of my post!



RQ has asked us to drop the subject however......

So dropped it is!


On a different note;

IMNSHO, Unless this couple engages in Dr. Harley's Program completely, I would suspect that either one of them could easily have an affair in the next three years or end up divorced!

MB is such a simple program. But without all of the elements working together at the same time, it'll fail. It's like baking a dish and leaving out half of the ingredients. It just leaves a bad taste in your mouth every time you attempt to take a bite.

I want to apologize for my intemperate remarks to you on Christmas Day. They were unacceptable and I should not have made them.

ETA: sorry for tj

To me, the big issue on this is not POJA. It's possible for both spouses to be enthusiastic about something damaging to their M.

The big issue is what is best for the marital recovery that I would still very much like to see happen. This trip is not it.

It has been voiced to RQ extensively that her recovery bar is set low (KISS knows then and hence continues to abuse her in the most horrific fashion). She knows this, and until she is willing to go into Plan B with divorce imminent KISS can and will walk all over her.

Seriously ... a family memeber willing to drive a car that was the scene of adultery SPEAKS volumes about the kind of family he has and how they clearly don't condone adultery...AND HAVE ZERO CARE/CONCERN FOR RQ!!! Would this same sister be willing to buy a car someone was murdered in or was the get away car for a robbery? Why is it okay for this family memeber to drive a vehicle that destroyed RQ? I guess adultery still is viewed at an innocent crime...and nobody gets hurt.

I say the entire family needs to be PLan B'd ... the cruelty behind this entire trip is deplorable.

The concern and snowball were created by others. With good intentions, for sure. But what it did was to create unneccassary drama.

Aside to Kerala: Thank you. Seriously.

As to the root discussion: RQ has said the car/trip is not that big a deal.

Why flagellate an expired equine?

Because the splatting sounds are fun?

Because the splatting sounds are fun?

Like the first Rocky movie, in the meat-house?

What's that sound?


He's breakin' the ribs!

Seriously NG? You couldn't just say beat a dead horse?

Methinks NG relishes the occasion to pronounce convoluted restatements of hackneyed colloquialisms.

Methinks NG relishes the occasion to pronounce convoluted restatements of hackneyed colloquialisms.

Youthinks good!

Kiss,

You posted this nearly one year ago.


Whats changed?


You no longer appear willing to do;

1) EP's 100%
2) UA Time
3) Post on the forum
4) Coaching with the Harley's
5) Reading all the MB books

It's been nearly a year, things should be going better than this. It sounds like it's not going well at all.

Whats changed?

Kiss are you still reading your thread?
Are you following the recovery plan in SAA?

Didntquit,

Yes I discussed it with RQ. She had no problem with my sister taking the car. Her only concern was that she made the payments on time. Witch I made it pretty clear to my sister that she needed to be prompt with the payments. She is setting up a direct payment into my account to pay us.

KISS

HerPapaBear,

1- I do follow my EP's everyday

2- Our UA time has been pretty good but we have had a couple weeks when it wasn't at our 15-20 hrs. One week RQ was very sick and not up to par. Then the next week my work schedule sucked but the last couple of weeks even with me leaving for a couple days have been much better. We do have to get back into planning our week out again. As this will help us utilize our time better even when my schedule sucks.

3- I have not been posting as she wants me to as I do get frustrated when I am getting beat up about things that she keeps telling me that she is fine with and the same topic takes over my thread for an extended amount of time and its a dead issue.

4- we decided not to do the coaching as its not in the budget. We can't keep up with the bills and now it looks like we owe almost 10k back in taxes to the federal government. We don't even know what we owe the great state of NY!!

5- I need to start reading again. RQ wants me to read love busters. I had started it and stopped.

I do not read RQ thread so I get a lot of reaction on my thread about her. When I question her on how she feels or what is going on I get the all is well and that's not how it is answer from her. So I don't know how she really feels?

KISS

I feel that RQ is very distant right now. She says that I am doing a good job of meeting her needs but she has an issue with our UA time or the lack their of. I offer things to do or make suggestions on things to do and I get a o.k. lets do that and it goes no where. She seems to be in a huge low. I feeling that she is giving up. I don't see a lot of life in her. The energy is gone.

When I got back from Florida on Thursday it seemed really good. Since then not so much.

Friday RQ asked me if I would be o.k. with her going to her sister in laws house. I said that I was o.k. with it. I asked her to please don't talk bad about me or our relationship if she wasn't going to give me the same feedback when I ask how "we" are doing. I feel that she doesn't tell me things or how she is feeling. I feel that she gives me a false sense that things are good between us. She will then complain on her thread or to her sister in law about the same things that she will tell me is fine.

We got in a discussion about the text from RQ sister in law to me that really bothered me. It was complaints about me. One of them being me falling asleep on the couch. I told her that I can't fall asleep at night. We go to bed and RQ falls asleep within minutes. I will be awake for hours so I go and watch t.v. and fall asleep. I told her that a lot of my issues are sexual frustration. I told her I would rather go watch tv then bother her or try to convince her to make love to me. We discussed my physical needs and the want to be close to her. She shows no interest or want. Always that she is tired or not in the mood.

I asked her if she had any idea how many times we have made love so far this year. Her reaction wasn't good. She told me that she doesn't feel the need to make love that it wasn't important to her. She then said that I should go and find my self another skank. I tried explaining to her that its not only the physical part but also the closeness and feeling connected to her. I asked her how would she feel if she wanted to have time for intimate conversation and I kept responding to her that I was not interested in talking!

We discussed this for probably 3 or 4 hours that night. It lead to a lot of the same feeling that I shouldn't have said anything and I should have kept quite. She said that I have offended her and put her down. She said that she has trouble because of bad memories and thoughts of the OW. I understand that but I don't know really how much that really has to do with it. It has always been a huge whole in our relationship. For years before the A we would go months with out being intimate. I would bet that we had years that you could count on your two hands how many times we where intimate.

I don't want to hurt her or have her upset with me but it makes it hard to keep up with her needs and wants when their is such a void in our closeness. I told her that I would forget about it and not let it bother me as I don't want to put added pressure on our situation. I am trying to continue to focus on her needs and happiness but I can't get close to her and take care off her if she won't let me. How do I get her to let go of anger when I tell her my feelings or situation? It feels like their are always consequences!!

KISS

Instead of going to the couch, and watching TV to fall asleep, why don't you read some MB material? Use that time to BETTER your marriage, not take away from it.

It is absolutely correct that RQ should be making her complaints known to you. Could it be that she also feels that when she brings up these complaints, that she will be put down? 3-4 hours of a subject as important as SF probably shouldn't be done all at once like that. It can quickly degrade into DJ's and SD's, and AO's. Everything you do, every thought you have should be about how to BETTER your marriage.

Telling us that you aren't posting because you feel that what we post about isn't important is quite insulting. Sure, there are times when discussions can get off on a tangent, but usually, the posters see something in your situation that they find important enough to post about, and it is ALWAYS intended to improve YOUR marriage. You may not like what you read most of the time, but the only way you are going to change is if you are challenged, and in turn, you challenge yourself.

She told me that she doesn't feel the need to make love that it wasn't important to her.

I want to be crystal clear on this not insignificant detail, kiss. Is that exactly what she said, or what you interpreted from her response?

I know you read my thread on EP's.

I know I've asked you to post your list of EP's in the past, any chance you'd be willing to do this?



I know Scottland has asked you to post your schedule on Sunday's and you did it once or twice. Any chance you'd be willing to share it every week for some feedback?



Have you ever considered that what you think is a dead issue, might not look so good to the people that have recovered marriages?




This one is disturbing! We can always find a way for the needs that we value. I'll leave it at that.....





I wonder, Why did you stop? And Please don't tell me you don't like to read, as that would be the same as saying my marriage isn't worth the effort it takes.



Have you noticed that her feelings can be one way now and different in just a few hours or different a day or two later? Does this make you wonder what you might need to do, differently? Is this possibly something that the MB Program can help you with? Wouldn't it be important to learn the program inside out so you can use the concepts when these problems arise?
Yanno, this would require reading and studying all the materials rigorously.