My questions have to do with pursuing and distancing. Did any pursuers (like me) try to do the distancing (stop pursuing their S)? I am working on this. Only been a little over a week and H called me once to talk about something specific, asked me to follow up on it and let him know the next day which I did. My questions are:<P>How were you able to cope with curtailing your pursuing activities (stop calling, e-mailing, being available, etc.)<P>What worked best for you and your S?<P>How long before you got any results?<P>If you got results, did your S back off when you started to respond?<P>Sorry for the many questions - just trying to learn something here. I will be off-line for a bit in about half an hour for a dinner meeting, but will check back after I get home.<P>Thanks,<BR>Roll Me Away<P><BR>

Moving this up and looking for some guidance, please.....<P>Roll Me Away

RMA, this type of "tactic" is more along the lines of what the Divorce Busting site could offer a lot of advice on. It is not specifically addressed by the Harley plan(s) and principles.<P>Try: <A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.divorcebusting.com/</A> and click on the link to "Messageboard" - you'll find a group of forums there in a similar format to this one.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>No, I'm not a Marriage Counselor,<BR>But I did sleep at a <BR>Holiday Inn Express last night...<BR>

RMA,<P>Can't answer all your questions right now as it is too early. This was done purely by accident. I told W that I went out on a date on Tuesday. It was bugging me as I was doing almost the same as she. Well, without the emotional attachment and sex. <P>Val suddenly became very interested in my activities when she learned I was vearing off course with her. That I might not be there if her present relationship crashes and burns. Pleasant conversation with last words from her being she will call later to make "date" with me also. Coincidence, I don't think so. I was pursuing this option for a while and she was not interested. When she found out I was finally starting to live again, she became concerned.<P>Not sure what this means but I have another date with a very nice girl that doesn't play games with me.<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic

Terri, <BR>I actually had seen this first on the divorcebusting site. I was not too sure about it. I have read up on it a little. I think one of the reasons my H may have left home again for separation (goen 3 mos. home 2 1/2 weeks, gon now 1 1/2 week), is because of the strong intensity of emotion from me. I was so hellbent on trying to "fix" things between us. Oh, I wasn't paying you enough attention - here let me give you 24/7 attention. I think I went from one extreme to other. Then, when my poor emotions leveled out after the first 4 months of traumatic shock, I was able to moderate the emotions better, but he was so overloaded with all this he just started to run everytime I tried ot get closer.<P>At this point, H is not here. I feel I have nothing to lose to try something different like backing off a whole, whole lot. I have been afraid to do so for fear that he might think I had changed my mind. Days I feel like I can't win no matter what I do!<P>Medic,<P>Sounds like this worked a little for you, but you just started this too. I would be interested in knowing how it goes at periodic intervals. Thanks for sharing your story. I know how wierd you must feel. In a way, I would love to go on a date. Right now I would LOVE for someone to think I am special and want to just snuggle up with me. For me, I am currently avoiding that. I am just too emotionally vulnerable to risk anything. My H would NEVER try if he thought I was screwing around on him. As a matter of fact, I believe his affair in many ways a retaliation affair for the brief EA I had 2 years ago.<P>Oh, well, I am still here plugging and fighting for my man. I wish he would just NOTICE!!!<P>Roll Me Away

I too had thought about trying this. But a counselor said the only way she would come back home was if she felt I had changed and that it was "safe" for her to come back meaning that I wasn't going to grill her about the affair.<P>So far this isn't working and am not sure the backing off would have either. It seems her friends are there for her so she will have something to do if I'm not available.

Well, earlier this year, I did do stuff to make my H jealous. Whenever he went off to deer camp (or wherever), I took off for somewhere. I may have just ridden around or gone to visit a friend, but I let him think I was going to bars and clubs. Sometimes, I just got all dolled up, made an appearance at the local pub (in case he dropped in at some point during the evening), went home (and didn't answer the phone if it rang), and around 11 pm, I would go back to the bar as if I was coming back into town from somewhere. He did get kinda PO'd , although he didn't want to show it. At any rate, his sexual interest in me started picking back up. <P> I have noticed that since I'm doing so well at not lovebusting now, I tend to withdraw from him if I get angry with him; it seems like he notices and tries to "love" me out of it. <BR>

RMA - I never did distancing as a strategy - I don't know if I am capable of not acting in a way consistent with my feelings. But when H moved out in Aug-never to return according to him-I cut myself off from him and only corresponded by e-mail about the kids because I was so hurt and devastated. I was never rude or nasty (OK only once) but we did not talk with each other about our lives/feelings for about 8 weeks. H admitted that this time was really hard for him and this combined with the fact that we weren't fighting and I was treating him with respect re; the kids is what started to pull him back to me.<P>But even now when we are in closer contact, I rarely pursue - I just don't intentionally distance myself.<BR>Starpony<p>[This message has been edited by Starpony (edited November 04, 1999).]

RWD,<BR>Thanks for taking the time to respond. My counselor is recommending this for ME, more than for H, although he thinks my H can benefit, too. <P>Sweetpea, Thanks for your thoughts - not really doing this for the jealousy - more as a way to back off and give H some breathing room. My intensity to "fix" things means I have gone overboard with trying to correct any problems between us. H is in emotional overload. Distancing is more for me to concentrate those efforts on healing myslef and to give H space he needs (hoping he will do some self-evaluation with this space, but maybe not).<P>Starpony, Anhother good perspective, thanks. Maybe your method is even better - just giving space without deliberatley distancing. My H and I have grown kids (youngest is 18), so kids will never pull him back. He will have to want to come back because he wants to, and thats the only way.<BR>

When she left, (which was only to "find her space", not to be with om) she called when she arrived. I asked her to call me & tell me where she was staying. She didn't. I called her the next day and asked her again. We were both pretty emotional. I then told her I would NOT call her unless it was a true emergency. I haven't called her. I have only sent her four cards and letters.<P>Has it worked? She's not home yet & she hasn't mentioned anything to make me think she will return .<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

Chris,<BR>I really am sorry for your situation. I read all of your posts. There are people here who give me such much encouragement to build my inner strength and YOU are oneof them! <P>These are really terrible times. So many people have told me that I am strong and will weather this. Well, in truth, I am strong and I am weathering this. But, not without making SOOOOOO many mistakes along the way.<P>Seems like the harder I have been trying since April when I found out, the more elusive this thing gets.<P>I am really trying and working on focusing on me. Like you, I have no idea if my H will ever come back and I need to use this time to bolster myself in case he doesn't.<P>H called this morning in response to a message I left on his v-mail last night. I said, "Jim, this is Desiree and I just wanted to tell you I am thinking of you."<BR>We talked for 20 minutes this morning and that's most since he left and I have been leaving him alone.<P>This is a lonely Friday night for me - so glad I have the company of the many great people here!<P>Roll me Away

RMA,<P>I did distancing once, but it was quite by accident. Actually, it couldn't have come off better, if I had planned it! <P>I had stopped by for groceries after work one day, and had picked up a bottle of wine. H was in the family room when I arrived home. I started putting the groceries away, & stashed the wine behind cat food. H came into the kitchen while I was making a salad, and started putting the case of cat food away. I watched out of the corner of my eye, as he picked up the bottle & looked at it.<P>Afterwards, he walked back into the family room, stood staring out the window, & was picking at his scalp (his nervous twitch). LOLI!!! - that's a new one for I was laughing out loud inside. I had all I could do to maintain my composure.<P>A short time later, he came back into the kitchen & leaning against the counter asked, "Is my being here interfering with any plans?" I looked at him and said, "Ummmmm, no". After he left that evening, I put the bottle of wine in a different spot, because I knew he would look for it the next day!<P>As far as it helping the situation, I really don't think it did. But, I sure got a chuckle out of it!

sidney,<P>Cute stroy and I loved your new acronym: LOLI!<P>Thanks for the bright spot; sure needed the smile today!<P>Roll Me Away

This dynamic is definitely at work in my situation. But I don't think its going to miraculously fix things.<P>I don't deliberately pull away. I'm not capable of it (I know, I've tried). But every once in awhile I just get fed up with the whole situation. I start to move on with my life. I stop calling, emailing, seeking conversation and touches from my H. Sometimes its with anger, but the anger doesn't last. I'm working on acceptance and forgiveness. Every time I get to a place of acceptance, my H does something to pull me back in. He has filed for divorce, but he really isn't ready to lose me, either. He wants to know that I'm still here waiting for him. <P>When I start to respond, he pulls away again. I'm crushed all over again.<P>Right now I'm in an acceptance mode. I just want the divorce over with. This week I didn't call him at all, didn't even talk to him when he called every day to talk to our daughter (he's out of town on business). I only emailed him twice, about things like the schedule for the weekend and how to handle the car insurance. No sentimental thoughts, no thoughts at all. <P>I packed up the rest of his clothes from the bedroom and went out and bought a new bedspread and curtains and rearranged the furniture. I split up our car insurance, cancelled joint credit cards, and made plans to separate our bank accounts (I need his permission to take him off the joint accounts, so we're going to the bank together tomorrow). <P>If someone asked me out on a date, I would go. But no one's asking, and I'm not really looking for it. I'm content to work on building my life with my kids. <P>My therapist gave me a good way to look at things this week. She told me that whatever happens, I need to divorce the old relationship in order to build a new one. So taking these steps towards separation (like rearranging the furniture) is a way of exorcising the old to make way for the new.

Animac,<P>Gosh I was riveted to every word in your post!! I feel the same way alot of the times.<P>This is what I wrestle with. My H has done NOTHING to want to build our relationship, we are separated and he is ongoing with OW going on 9 months now. He said he wants a D but has done nothing about it. we did separate our checking accounts, but just a couple weeks ago.<P>I am interested in your thoughts on this. In a way, like you, I feel I should go ahead with the D on my own. I really want my H and marriage, but H doesn't at this point. IF at some point in the future my H decided he really was in love with me and wanted me back, wouldn't you think even if we are divorced that he would be able to find a way to woo me back? If not, I would be moving on anyway.<P>Since you obviously want your H back in a loving, monogomous relationship, is that part of your thinking??<P>Roll Me Away

RMA, <BR>I forget did you try plan B since H is still in realtionship ?<P>This will help you regain your strength by focusing on your self as opposed to thinking about your h.<P>As most people on this forum can tell you there is nothing you can do to get h out of the affair. Either he or ow must decide to end it. So it really does no good trying to solve things for him.<P>It just takes them to see we still love them and that the "conditions" that have led up to the affair are being eliminated or are being worked on.<P>Hang in there and God Bless!