First, I want to thank everyone on this site for their help and insight that is so much needed. I have been reading as much as possible here in hopes that I can get through this great tragedy in my life. Just reading everyone�s posts has gotten me through many though days and sleepless nights these last few weeks. I thought that I could just read enough to make things better but I am now stuck and hope that someone out there can help me through this.

My WW and I have been together the last 15 years and married the last 11. We have 2 great boys together ages 6, and 5. My wife and I moved to Florida from the North East almost 2 years ago because we enjoyed the warmer climate and more affordable living. My wife was a SAHM for most of our marriage but 6 months ago returned to a full time job to help support the family and to get out of the house to meet new people.

Around Oct 2012 she became friends with a woman next door and they started talking and hanging out frequently. My wife was so happy to have a new fried. Around November they started to go out almost weekly to the local bar/club and stay out later and later. I expressed my concern but was really happy that my wife was feeling good and wanted her to have fun. At the same time she started to tell me that we needed to do more things together and go out. Unfortunately living in a new state with no one to watch the children prevented that from really ever happening except on a very few occasions.
As time went by I noticed all the classic signs of her withdrawal. She was attached to the phone and we just never seemed to connect like we used to. I guess you all know where this is going�

I just knew something was wrong. Then comes Monday night 2/4/13. I waited till WW was asleep and checked her phone and found she had been texting with an OM. I checked her FB and everything was there. They had met at the club sometime in mid-January and have been talking regularly since. It does appear to be EA only as the text/fb message trail did not indicate ever seeing each other than the night they met at the club. This POSOM was really pushing hard to meet up at the same bar that same weekend. Also, new friend and neighbor who is also married was asking my WW if she wanted to go to the same club that weekend and hopefully OM would be there. WHAT a B****!

So, having faced this new news I entered crises mode. I did not want to confront WW right then so I immediately installed a Key Logger on the home PC and a SMS tracker on her phone in the middle of the night. I also pulled the detailed phone records from our account and found when and how often they were speaking.

I confronted her that next morning having more than enough proof of her EA. She admitted speaking to OM but said it was nothing and I was being paranoid. I explained that there was something more to this because of the more than 20 texts/calls per day to OM and it needed to stop immediately.

That day she went to work after our talk and I stayed home as I was way too upset to even think about work. All while reading WW texts to OM. God how sick I was that day. This POSOM sensed blood in the water and he was full press to get some rebound love. That day I get a text from WW that we needed to have a big talk when she got home from work. Here we go!

So wife gets home and we set up kids with dinner and we go outside for �the talk�. Classic ILUBINILWY speech, she has not been happy for a few years, she is done with our marriage. I explained that I love her and we should get into counseling and work to reconcile. We could get past this if we work on our marriage together. She did not want to hear any of it and said she would be staying with her aunt that weekend. Her parents just bought a new home near us and would be moving 1000 miles to be near us and their grandkids. She would move with them once they settled on the house 3/1/13. The toughest part was how she tried to shield herself by saying that she does not feel bad for telling me this as she has been hurting for so long and the reason I am hurting so bad now was that this is all new to me. Ya� Think!

Although I was hurting so bad I was determined I could fix this and started searching the Web and found the MB website. Meanwhile she was still full on with OM. Texting or talking 20 times a day. I kept telling WW that she needed to end her EA and end all contact with OM but she would lie and say they were no longer talking and I was �blowing this way out of proportion�. All while I was seeing her texts/calls with OM. I read about exposure and decided to go nuclear. The night of 2/17 I exposed to my parents and her entire family and close friends. Needless to say that morning things had hit the fan. Her mom immediately emailed me and said that before I sent the email to everyone I should have first knew the 100% honest and truth. I replied back that I have SEEN the �100% honest and truth� and in fact I was willing to share my proof. I did not hear back from her after that. Both our parents are still married and never divorced so this had to be a great shock to them.

So WW came home from work and right away I got the �We need to talk�. Our talk was really surreal. It was like she was reading from the script on this forum. She gave the classic � I can�t believe you did this�, �my family now just thinks you are crazy�, �I was going to work this out with you but now we are over� All the time I was almost laughing inside about how this was going EXACTLY as I read how it would go here on MB. I just responded with the �I did not want to upset you but I am just trying to save my marriage.� Over and over! I was so prepared for this that it felt great!

She stormed away from our talk and went back to her Aunt�s house to stay. Meanwhile I was reading all her text to OM and her friends and was waiting for the fall out. Well, that very night she texts to OM that she did not want to talk to him and that she had too much going on in her life right now� I just thought to myself �man, this stuff actually works!�
She came home last Friday 2/22 and said that she wanted to stay at home for our boys until she could move into her parents new home 3/1/13. We would then split time with the boys. Since then the POSOM still constantly will send her a text almost daily and WW will reply that she is sorry but he should be with somebody that is more stable. She is dealing with too many things right now. She has not contacted OM since day of exposure. I then went into Plan A mode.

So, last Saturday night 2/23 we put the boys to bed early and sat and talked�and talked�and talked. And after 4 bottles of wine and at 2:00am we had the best conversation that I had had with my WW since we started dating 15 years ago. It was so great to just talk and listen. She said she was so happy and she missed our conversations. The next AM I felt So, So, much better. Like just maybe we were going to get through this�

Sunday was quiet as I think we were just tired from talking so much the night before. All was feeling normal. She was still not talking with OM and we had a nice family dinner together. That night, she sits me down and tells me that we need to tell the kids that we are separating and she would be taking the boys to her parent�s new home 3/1. We would still continue to share custody with the kids 1 week on 1 week off. I was surprised that she still wanted to move out and realized that I still have a lot of work ahead of me. Meanwhile WW still has no contact with OM but still showing no affection in my direction. I am absolutely positive of no contact because OM still will contact her daily via text and she will not respond. I also have access to email and fb accounts.

Her parents arrived in town yesterday and I was trying to fill WW�s love bank and offered to help her parents unload the moving truck all day yesterday. I could tell WW was really happy with me and she was finally showing some affection towards me. Last night she again reiterated that she wanted to tell the boys of our splitting up. I agreed and we will talk to them this PM after school.

So, my questions are this. What should I be doing different? I am still in Plan A and have been trying to make deposits but it seems that she just does not want to work on her end. Does this talk to the boys tonight mean that it is over for us? Do I switch to plan B? It kills me that she would rather go stay at her parents and sleep on an air mattress instead of at our beautiful home. I just have this feeling that it is over once she moves out as we will never see each other to work on our issues. One last thing� I was sure to tell WW that I take partial blame for this and understand that I was not meeting her needs. I want to be a better person and I can be the man she once fell in love with. She seems to think it is too late and has given up. Please let me we can get past this� Somebody. Anybody�

Floridaguy, welcome to the forums. I'm sorry for the reason that brought you here. I have to say that I am impressed with the actions you have taken so far to recover your marriage.

I am hoping some BH's will chime in here soon. But, I believe that you need to make it clear that you will NOT be doing a nice amicable divorce and that you WILL NOT be giving her custody of the kids. That she is free to go if she wants to act like a single person but she will not be subjecting your childrn to that kind of loose behavior.

Consult with an attorney to find out your options.

As an aside, my WH and I are looking into making the move down there this summer

Floridaguy. It looks like you have been reading a lot here and you are doing great.


Can you show your WW's parents the some of the evidence and ask for their support to NOT enable your WW in breaking up your kids family by allowing her to move in with them? It is difficult to work on a marriage when you are separated...as you rightly sense.


Have you exposed this POSOM and skank neighbor?

Don't do this. Tell your WW that you want to save this marriage and will not agree to breaking up the family.

Be strong Floridaguy. Your WW wants you to fight for her.

Thanks for your reply Pokerface.

I offered the proof to WW's parents but they seem to not really want to see it. They just picked up their entire life and drove 1000 miles to be here with their grand kids. I get the sense they are in shock. I have always been close to them and my father in-law was actually chocking up when we said goodby last night. I know they love me and are not happy but as good parents I do not expect them to turn their daughter away.

I would like to expose the POSOM but I just can't find anything about him. I have tried every website to trace his cell phone but it always comes back with different results or to someone else that is 68 years old so can't be him. She is not talking to OM currently so I think she is trying to come out of her fog.

You said you found him on Facebook. Copy his contacts into a word document and send messages to them.
Check the "Exposure" thread for exact details on how to do this.

I am impressed too! Shortly you will likely begin to receive comments and advise from the wonderful veterans to this site.

I would also encourage you to call the MB coaching center and set up a phone meeting with Steve H or Jennifer C. You can also write a question to Dr Harley on his radio show. The coaching would be more immediate.

Have you purchased Dr Harley's "Surviving an Affair" ?

Its great your wife did respond positively to your beginning efforts. Still it does take significant time to rebuild the love bank. And your wife is in a fog.

And have you told your children about your wife's affair?

So should I cancel telling the kids tonight??? This is happening in a few hours so i need help fast. I already told her this Am that I was OK with telling them today. She did seem hesitant at first but maybe I missed the signs!! OMG so confused!!

I would keep asking for their support with the argument that keeping the family together is best for their grandchildren.

I agree they are in shock. Don't give up on getting their support.

Don't agree to breaking up your family. Agreeing to her destructive ideas makes you look like you don't care.

Thanks graceful2b,

I purchased the SAA Monday AM. Should be here shortly. I absolutely want to set up meeting with Steve or Jennifer but thought WW needed to want to work on things first.

I do not plan to tell boys about affair as being only 6 and 5 I personally think they are to young to comprehend.

I already like what you've done!

Well done you! This shows you have the basic capacity for the self control you will need to fight this fight!

10 days ago, you made a very courageous move.




The Art of War .... you were preparing while your 'enemy' was goofing off. Then you struck without warning! BINGO!


Tell the boys yourself. With her or without her. Mommy has 'a boyfriend' and married people are not supposed to do that. Tell them that you want to keep the family together.

She is going to try and paint this as "Mommy & Daddy can't get along." Hit the BRAKES and ring the "WRONG ANSWER BUZZER" when she tries to do that.
Do not call her a liar, but say, "That is not true." when she tries to pull this magic trick. Be certain to tell the kids "I love Mommy. I want Mommy to stay here with us and be happy. I want Mommy to stay with our family. I want us to be a happy family."

Do NOT allow her to control the narrative.

Welcome to MB.

Is OM married?

They are going to be confused as hell if they do not hear from you the real reason Mommy wants to break up the family. They will think they did 'something bad'.

Use the "Mommy has a boyfriend" sentence. It is age appropriate, and truthful.

Ditto.

A dude she met in a bar needs to be investigated.
Hire a professional background check on him.

GPS her vehicle.

Good job so far.
Really!

While telling the boys, repeat these responses as much as you like:

I love Mommy.
I want Mommy to stay here.
I don't want Mommy to leave.
I want to keep our family together here, in our home.
This is our home.
This is our family.
Married people are supposed to try hard to keep the family together.
I can make Mommy happy.
I love both of you.
I want Mommy to get rid of her boyfriend.

[/quote] yourself. With her or without her. Mommy has 'a boyfriend' and married people are not supposed to do that. Tell them that you want to keep the family together.

She is going to try and paint this as "Mommy & Daddy can't get along." Hit the BRAKES and ring the "WRONG ANSWER BUZZER" when she tries to do that.
Do not call her a liar, but say, "That is not true." when she tries to pull this magic trick. Be certain to tell the kids "I love Mommy. I want Mommy to stay here with us and be happy. I want Mommy to stay with our family. I want us to be a happy family."

Do NOT allow her to control the narrative. [/quote]

Wow, I am not sure i can do this. I think if I do that will just make her withdraw more. We have already gone over that "mommy and daddy are going to live in two houses", "we are still a family, but a different family" "We love you" practice talk. I am not sure i can just switch without any warning.

You have to be cool and calm like James Bond.


Plan A.


Here is a link to the entire thread: HERE

OM is not married from what I can tell on FB. Looks like a total player.