There is always potential she will gaslight you to justify. She will want to help others especially her parents to perceive you as the cause of her pain and reaction to her said pain. Of course this is why you need to plan A.

Since your wife is leaving now --call the Harley's, OK? Time to regroup.

I already notified the school. They will be keeping an eye on them.

I just asked her to maybe stay a few more days. That my Mom and Dad could postpone their visit.

She just replied "Me staying a few more days or a few more weeks is not going to change anything. We need to move forward."

Plan a date(s) with her alone. ie Nice restaurant. Practice intimate conversation (IC) as described in HNHN. No relationship talk though. IC is not about problem solving.

Make sure the time together is enjoyable and safe for both. Sometimes walking and talking is enjoyable and easier. Walk after dinner? Think ahead about topics you know she enjoys. Try your best not to seem like you are trying too hard. might seem insincere. She may attempt to cause you to react to her negatively. Don't take the bait. She is in a state of withdrawal and will not easily allow love units to be deposited in her bank at this point. You will need to plug away for the long haul. It can be maddening.

Come here to vent.

That seems to be my plan. I will try to go drama free for the rest of the this and next week and maybe she will have a good cooling off period.

I wouldn't beg her to stay.
That's not attractive to a woman.

Did you email Dr Harley yet?

You are attempting to negotiate with her which is understandable. She does not want to negotiate or problem solve with you.

Go full bore with plan A. Frankly I do not know how you specifically will need to do the stick part of the plan A. Others have given you suggestions. Or you can call or write the Harley's.

But I know plan A is about meeting important emotional needs. You are being shut down w/direct problem solving efforts which likely seem self serving from your wife's foggy perspective. But if you put your time, talents and efforts into meeting her needs by starting with IC and dropping the problem solving mode during times you designate as UA time with her you might give her pause.

I did not email him. I am not sure even where to begin.

Building on g2b's thoughts....

Do something nice for the kids.
Do something nice for ILs (Grit your teeth - privately - but DO it!)
Write her positive, hopeful notes.
Call each night and ask about their day - hers, kids' - and tell them how GREAT yours was!
Get in shape.
Dress better than ever.
Watch the alcohol intake.
Ask to attend to her vehicle needs. (I had Bride in tears one time when I - unasked - changed her wiper-blades!)

Now for the TOUGH part - You have to do ALL this while repeating to yourself, "We will probably divorce anyway!"
In other words: NO EXPECTATIONS!

Floridaguy. I just want to say that you are doing great. I know you don't feel it right now but you will get through this and you will come out a stronger and better person. I can say that because you have found MB and that is what happens to people who come here and take on the principles.

Try to stay strong and be the person you can be proud of. You cannot change the past. Keep working on your side of the street. That is the only thing you can control. Know that you can look your boys in the eyes and be proud of how you handled things.

Cool, calm, strong, and in control is very attractive.

Did you have the talk with your FIL ?

This is what I need NG!!! Keep them coming!

No, I am not going to cause anymore drama for at least the rest of this weekend. I need to slow down somewhat and Plan A because she thinks I have cracked.

I'm glad your not pursuing emails or continuing communication with OM. It was a two week EA. He could have been anybody. Your wife certainly doesn't see him as the problem in your marriage. She sees YOU as the problem. So I think working on the figurative "problem" (you)...is a much more productive use of your immediate time.

I also don't think focusing on the stick in this situation is going to be as productive because, as I pointed out before, your wife hasn't actually committed adultery (that we know of) yet. You've given her some pretty good "sticks" lately...exposure and the talk with the kids, so focusing on more "carrots" is in order.

Another tangent thought - two week emotional affairs with a stranger(OM is not some old boyfriend) would, I figure, be just about the easiest affairs to give up. Certainly monitor for contact but it's quite likely that it's really over. Your battle is now with a wayward THINKER rather than a continuing affair. I also wouldn't expect her to suffer from much withdrawal because she wasn't that invested and hadn't gone completely down the slippery slope.

That doesn't make this any easier. In 8 years here I've seen easy situation fail and really really hard impossible situations recover. There's only so much you can control. You can make changes...permanent changes...you can be the light summoning your spouse back home but at some point the wayward has to decide to change too (or to repent). Please try to avoid expectations. This is your life ...it's an individual situation. You can read all the stories you want here and on every forum and it won't matter if your wife just doesn't come around. You've done so great so far. This is a GREAT thread. But your successes busting up the affair are only the initial steps necessary to give yourself, your marriage and family a chance. I gets harder from here and keeping your expectations in check is key to keeping a level head and fighting this battle to the best of your ability. Realizing I couldn't control the outcome helped me persevere through the battle. You make changes because it's the right thing to do...not to get your wife back. Her coming back is her decision.



Finally...your medical decisions are your own to make with your doctor. That being said, Xanax, to me seems like overkill in this situation. I can see a mild anti-depressant to help you cope (I believe many have taken Wellbutrin) but Xanax has, in my NON-medical opinion only, too much of a numbing effect in a situation where feeling and expressing your feelings is necessary. You need to be at the top of your game both physically and emotionally...not buzzed or numb. Even perhaps something like adderall or something like that to help you focus and concentrate at work only might help (because losing your job isn't an alternative right now). Further...the last person you should have told you were taking anything, let alone Xanax is your wife. She's quite likely to add it to her list of justifications and rationalizations. Plus, she'll see it as you using a crutch when you want her to perceive you as the tough strong family man fighting for his family and the wife he loves.

Mr. Wondering


p.s. - "Word" to your mother (Hi Mom!). When are your parents coming to visit? You could use the support and some force interactions with an extended family could be helpful too. Your wife needs to see the reality that this affects multiple layers of her children's entire family. Of course, many times MIL/Daughter in Law relationships have their own strains so this advice may depend on their relationship. It's also a good distraction from the seriousness of recovery. You can't make recovery always about recovery. Distracting from the seriousness and having fun together, with or without family, may actually make more love bank deposits than constant seemingly forced serious discussions. Be attentive & fun...like when you were dating her versus needy and desperate like an ex-boyfriend begging for a second chance.

I have to laugh at Mr W "wayward thinker" vs wayward --something I l know so well!

I've had this image (bear w/me).....

Anyone, remember "Stepford Wives" movie? Where the Stepford wives' brains/minds were removed for a robotic brain that performed to their husbands liking?

It seems "the fog" does the same thing but the other way around! Switches wife/husband brain for wayward brain is =new speeches, motives, actions, where-with-all and so on!

I actually believe this is good to keep in mind ! (sorry pun)

Until 'fog' is lifted (brain switched back) expectations have to be in check as discussed.

Could this be why often waywards show no remorse. Can't remember operation?

Thanks Mr W. All great points as usual. I did not tell her that I was taking Xanax. She must have seen them in my bathroom closet last night when packing. I really did not want her to see that either.

Mom and Dad will be here at 8:30 tonight and I cannot wait. I need them more than ever!

I will plan A for me. Just going to try to make deposits when I can. I know this very likely will not lead to a R but I will know that I will be a better person in the end.

Lastly, Mom, I know you are reading this. YOU ARE MY ROCK! I love you so much! Thank you for always being there for me! I will get through this! And please don't be angry with me when I don't finish eating my plate this week. I gotta ween off the carbs!

Hi Mom! All the best taking care of your grand babies!

I am a grandma too and wonder how I would help my adult child and grandchildren in this type of crisis.

I wondered about the Xanax rx too. Its can be very addictive especially mixed w/alcohol. You'll find Dr Harley and coaching support antidepresent but have concerns for anything numbing your feelings too. Harley's like Wellbutrin. I found myself too sensitive to all antidepresents. it made it easier for me to accept fuzzy fog logic. I'd buy into wayward thinking and kept believing my husband was following the MB plan but he was doing just enough to cakewalk me. I was not paranoid. I was rapanoid--which is a made up word and means the opposite of paranoid. Its about being cautious and keeping your expectations low.

I will stop the meds starting now. My last pill was yesterday afternoon. With Mom and Dad here, their love and support should be all I need. I never have taken pills before in my life and very rarely drink. This is not the time to start now.