I noticed that your letter glossed over--or completely ignored--the most important issues while calling attention to non-issues. For example, you didn't even mention that your wife has essentially banished one of her children; both children are devastated by this; and your response to the situation has been to buy her flowers and write her love letters. Also, you mentioned that you took an anger management class, but if I remember correctly, you were actually told that you didn't need that class but took it anyway. By mentioning your anger management class in the letter to Dr. Harley, you are creating a false impression that you were an abusive husband and your wife was an innocent victim. It seems like you are filtering information so Dr. Harley will view her more sympathetically.

Agreed TD. Dr. Harley would probably not remember you as he has lots of callers... I thought the email was lacking in detail. I like JC's edit. "ww was considering bringing SS back." What the heck was that?! C'mon TD snap out of it. I do this to myself sometimes too, but I'm not in contact with my WH... This is what plan A is doing to you! WW has NOT brought SS back! That is the truth and what you should have written.

On a side note, I would refer to him as Dr Harley and not first name. First names are for golf friends. He is a professional.

Hello,

I was on your radio show last Novemer (email copied below).
My wife started an affair with a man that has been accused by his ex wife of molestation. He is a police officer and in the military (where they met).

I exposed the affair in November and she acted in concert with my mother in law and took my son and step son to puerto Rico where the mother in law resides.
The local court later subpeanaed her to return with my son and I was awarded temporary full custody with supervised visitation for her.

My step son remains in puerto Rico with the mother in law.

I have been in plan A while divorce is in the courts.
I am also active on the forums and some members are telling me to enter plan B.
Should I continue plan A?

Her affair partner lives out of state so I don't think they see each other often.

My phone is:

Thank you. TQ

Yes I was at work and I received a call from WW. Sounded like something was wrong. She told me everything was ok and I spoke with DS. I didn't really understand him at the time but after it went down I did. He was telling me mommy took the xbox and put it in the trunk and he was in the car with her and MIL. I came home to an empty house that evening. She went to see POSOM who was flying into a major city in our state while she had MIL fly to PR with our children. I confronted at the hotel but POSOM wasn't there and she claimed he will be there on Sunday. She was crying and hysterical, the hotel (which was reserved in his name) called the police and I was told to leave. I wish I would of had the car towed as per NGs advice.

I was on your show mid-November talking about my WW. If you remember, one day after I left for work (is that accurate?), WW flew my 10-yr-old stepson and my 3-yr-old son to Puerto Rico without my knowledge or permission. She didn't tell me about this until after they were gone. I literally came home to an empty house.

WW had her mother fly with our children to PR while she stayed and waited for POSOM, in a hotel that was reserved in his name. WW told me she did this because she didn't want me to have custody of the kids while she continued her affair. In order to get my son back from Puerto Rico, I had to get temporary full custody of him and a temporary restraining order against WW. (Please be advised that WW also has a history of depression and instability.) She attempted suicide by jumping out of a moving vehicle on the highway after I had confronted in the car about the POSOM because she was on the phone with him in front of me and the kids. I restrained her and she hit and scratched me. She was arrested for domestic battery and she plead guilty to a lesser charge of simple battery.

In PR, the grandmother didn't even enroll my SS in school for several months, and she recently contacted me to tell me that she does not want to continue raising him. MIL has an ill mother and husband at home and the stress of raising a 10 yr old boy is taking a toll on her.

WW lives near me, and is allowed supervised visitation with our son. She hasn't gone back to PR to help raise the son she abandoned there, so MIL is SS's legal guardian at this time. SS's biological father also lives in PR. However, he abandoned SS years ago, and does not have legal custody of him. SS's little brother and I miss him desperately, and SS is desperate to come back home from PR, but WW will not allow it. I believe she is ashamed to face the child she abandoned months ago.

Since November, I've been following Dr. Harley's advice to Plan A while pursuing full, permanent custody of my son. (If you remember, POSOM was arrested sexual molestation of his own daughter, so I'm afraid our sons would be at risk if WW got shared custody.) I've completely exposed the affair and am trying to be the best husband I can possibly be, but WW refuses to end contact with POSOM. POSOM's ex-wife and son also said he was abusive mentally and physically.

I do not want a divorce, but I had to file for divorce in order to pursue custody of my son. I am also active on the forums and some members are telling me to enter plan B. Should I continue plan A?

Should I continue asking WW out on dates and trying to make love bank deposits? I've been doing everything I can think of to win her back. Do you believe this is still the correct course of action? Thank you for your time and help. God bless you for all you do and thanks for the advice!


Is this better, appreciate the input!

I wish I would have (fill in the blank) as per NGs advice.

I hear a lot of that. I think I have to work on being more....insistent.

Looks good! Just remember to delete my "(is that accurate?)" question from the second sentence.

Email sent. WW called and wants to come over and see DS for her visitation. I planned on making homemade pizza with him for dinner. I will call and ask her to join. Any other advice I need? I been reading GJM story and ours are similar. There are some differences but I feel how he felt going through this muddle. It has helped me a lot so has the advice on my own thread. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. If it wasn't for this forum I would of lost everything and probably be a sucidal mess. I keep thinking of the woman she was and I want that woman back not this emotionally selfish adulteress she has become. Someday I see that other days I see the adulteress. It's so painful I would rather be in Afghanistan with insurgents surrounding me. At least I know what to do next. The uncertainty is a mfer.

My advice is to not invite her! You are sparing her from the consequences of her actions, and enabling her to continue cake-eating and screwing over the boys. Why should your son have to pretend that life is normal when she comes over tonight? The truth is that he is heartbroken that his brother isn't there, and even though your son is only 4 years old, he realizes it could just as easily have been him that she abandoned.

It's for court order visitation. I have no choice I can at least make it pleasant, chances are she won't show. That has been a trend.

She doesn't show? Have you been keeping notes on her lack of showing? IE "x day, she showed up" "Y and Z and A and B days she did not show up".

The uphill battle you face in court could be made easier by this.

When a parent fails to show for a scheduled visitation, a young child interprets it as rejection. Why in the world are you allowing her to do that to your son?! I strongly recommend that you contact your attorney and ask to get her visitation rights revoked. I also recommend that you send a follow-up email to Dr. Harley informing him of this situation.

Done and I agree. Nevertheless DS and I had fun making the pizza. Was a little greasy though. DS Accidently spilled a half a cup of oil in with the dough. It was hilarious. "I'm sorry daddy can we still eat it?" Despite that we did. Other than that nothing from WW as expected she didn't show.

Four years old is a ridiculously cute age. I remember when my kids were little. Enjoy every minute!

In plan A he should invite her and try to make as many love bank deposits as possible.
He doesn't make any when she's on the phone with OM

My point was that TD should not be in Plan A.

But he is in plan A Jessica.
So why encourage him to do plan B stuff when he's in plan A?

Because his WW has joined the dark side of the force? Some of us don't want this wonderful young father to be abused any further. Just my opinion.

JC and GF, it is important that none of our personal opinions get projected onto folks trying to manage and accommodate their own.

TD is committed for now to remain in Plan A. Whether you or I agree with him is immaterial. He is an adult male, and as such is advised (by Dr H) to remain in that state until he senses his LB$ balance approaching zero. THIS IS NOT PRIMARILY FOR HER BENEFIT! It is for his benefit, to let him exit (if necessary) Plan A and enter Plan B not carrying an excessive amount of affection and longing-for-what-might-have-been for a recovered union with WW which would appear at that time destined not to occur.

Think of a jetliner which is discovered to possibly have a failing landing gear, which could result in violent (crash) landing. The craft will be ordered to circle through the sky for a long time, not necessarily to give the passengers more time to prepare, but to burn off excess fuel, so if the worst happens the fire/explosion will be somewhat diminished.

As suggested, TD is reading GJM's thread. There are not many better examples of managing the LB$ balance to minimal levels prior to eventual dissolution.

If/when TD cuts over to Plan B, he will be already prepared with knowledge, justification, and a highly-ready IM. He's doing fine.

NG: If children were not being emotionally abused, I would agree that TD has the right to continue Plan A for as long as he wants.