Im thinking that I never really had personal boundaries, and that is why people have a tendency to take advantage of me. If I have boundaries that I don't want people to cross with me, then I can be more happy because people would not be stepping on me anymore. I think I need a set of boundaries that define myself in general also. Like "dude don't put fliers on my car while Im standing right next to it" type boundaries.

The boundaries that I have for my wife won't be the same, but she had better not stick a flier on my car while Im standing right there, I mean, at least attempt to put it in my hand!

Thanks for the boundaries thread. It helped me come up with more self protecting boundaries against another persons disorderly conduct.

If i feel that my spouse if flirting with another man, then i will be obnoxious and be an obstacle making it tough to flirt.

If my spouse brings a third person into our marriage, I will try to remove the third person from the marriage. If that fails, I will remove myself from that marriage.

If the computer/phone/tv or any other media device is used to break marriage vows or house rules, I will remove that media from my house.

If a video game or recreation interfears with my marriage, I will remove that video game or recreation.

If I feel bad or uncomfortable because of the actions of another person, I will let that person know, in a non threatening assertive manner, how I feel.

If a selfish demand is made by my spouse or child I will not honor that selfish demand.

If I am asked to keep a secret, I will let the person know that I will not keep their secret if I am not comfortable with it.

If I am assulted, I will call the police.

If I notice that I am trying to control or manipulate I will take a time out, and rethink my situation and strategy.

If I feel an angry outburst is about to occur from me or my spouse I will remove myself until i am able to negotiate calmly.

Ws

Been following your thread. Good post from Mark 1952 about personal and marital boundaries. It starts about a third of the way down the page and has two parts. Well worth the read.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1908971&page=4


Hope it helps.

Nesre

Very good thread, I will keep looking at it.

I have also been reading self help books, and listening to tapes. I have incorporated some of those things also.

In No. More Mr. Nice Guy and Hold on to your N.U.T.s they want me to identify my own needs that I have power to enforce which will make me happy. For example some needs can be: I will Be faithful to my god, or I will go out with the guys once a month. these may be needs that only I can fulfill, and I do not let others compromise them.

In a Dr. John Lund talk called Love One Another he states that there are two types of expectations. One expectation is something you expect of yourself, and we will call these goals. The other expectation is one you want other to do for you, and we will call these wishes. You can acheive goals, but wishes may never come true.

All books and talks state that if these boundaries/goals/N.U.Ts are violated then I can become resentful. On the other hand it gives me charge to chase after my own happiness.

If I incorporate boundaries into this it is like I am giving a plan of action if my goals/N.U.Ts/boundaries are crossed. The things that I should have control over, but I let them get mashed. By communicating that i have bondaries and here they are, will keep me a happy person.

Again thanks for the thread. I might even print it out and read it a couple times during our Uninterrupted time together.

Bumped to see how you're doing?

Bwahahaha!

Actually I am doing great. I was going to post yesterday, but had to go to a meeting! How dare work interfere!

My WW came home from sisters completely changed. She wants to do everything she can to fix our marriage. We are reading His Needs Her Needs for 2 hours together each day. We will also do budget, or a small project together to hit the 20 hour mark. Last weekend we put up a magnet board on the wall for the kids and glued magnets on cars and planes so they can build a city.

I am still improving my boundaries, and expressing them to my wife the things that will build resentment in me.

She is seeing our pastor for spiritual guidance, and we are reading bible together each night.

We will go to the counselor soon, this time we have a couple recommendations. We have also limited her time to 1 hour a day on the computer, with supervision, deleted her Facebook account (her idea), blocked facebook , twitter and myspace, and removed World of Warcraft from the computers.

I am feeling great, and she seems to feel great too. We do have our down times, and I have a tough time seeing her happy, like nothing has ever happened, but that is how I want to see her right? Happy in her marriage?

The advice here is great, my family has been keeping track, and I still want to update and participate! Thanks Bit!

In a couple weeks I will introduce my FWW to this site, right now Im a little hesitant. The quick turn around on her part threw a red flag. I am happy, but still tip toeing around and snooping.

One more week of things going pretty good. We are still hitting that 20+ hours a week, but i will admit, sometimes we are together just watching TV and cuddling during our supposed undivided attention time. We agreed that we do not need to get in that rut right now, and are getting back to doing constructive things.

Just to show how things have changed, the kids are starting to go to their mom for help. They go to her for a drink of water now, and just to talk. They have been behaving better than ever, and even play around her legs. They aren't so attached to either of us and are more secure just going on their own.

I am noticing that we have been slipping into our previous roles already. She isn't being O&H with me, not one of my needs, but it builds up inside her and resents me. I will withdraw a little, I don't know why, I just do. Its only been 2 weeks, and things are good, but that makes it easier to fall back into bad habits.

So far her actions seem genuine, and I like it. My red flags are turning into pink flags. Not quite salmon, and certainly not white.

How's it going wheels? Seen you around...bumping to see how things are going...

Its been about 2 months since exposure, and things are going great. My W and I have been working on MB concepts here and there. We have read HNHN and been spending over 15+ hours together. We are doing P90X together, doing projects around the house together, and even working on the yard together.

I am still triggered by her computer usage, especially when she wanted to get on FB one time, but it is still blocked. I have also been working on my boundaries to see what I need to do to protect myself, and not build up any resentment.

Overall my trust in her is going up, and our LB$ are getting fuller. I still keep our finances seperate, but I think it might be permanent, and she doent know my passwords. Mostly because my passwords are so dang long! As far as I can tell there hasn't been any contact either. No emails, and no text messages.

Great, Wheels; thanks for telling us how things are going!

That is great news Wheels. I am very happy for you. Keep up the good work.

Just want to give a bit of an update on my status. I know sapph post here a bit (very proud of her she keeps me informed on what is going on), but I haven't posted due to school, and I can focus on work again. Thanks to the holidays I can slow down a bit at work, and school is done (last final forever, I got a Masters in Electrical Engineering).

Just to let you know Sapph and I have settled down into a good routine. We spend almost 2 or more quality hours a day with each other, the most on Sunday, to get about 15-20 hours a week with each other. We often read books, go out, or something just to spend time with each other. I really miss playing my games (new WoW expansion came out), but for the sake of my marriage I am not going to let that game be played in my house, let alone any game that Sapph can spend time on with other people than myself.

I realize that we never really LB each other, even before the affair and right now. We just do not have that type of marriage, however we often let each other know what needs are not being met. We will talk and say, "Hey, i need you to meet this need." So i think we are doing really well trying to meet each others needs, stopping the LB, and spending quality time with each other.

We are back to where we were four years ago in the kissy kissy smoochee smoochee honeymoon phase where people think we were just married (wer were like that for probably the first 5 years of our marriage), and we wonder why our friends and neighbors never really acknowlege their spouses in public. I guess we are just overly affectionate towards one another. Its better than the alternative.

However, some old habbits are hard to break. I feel that I have trained myself to not expect Sapph to do anything for me or the kids. I have heard so many lies during the affair that I still have a tough time discerning what was a lie and what was the truth. For instance she would say that I was raising the bar too high for her and it was ruining her love for me. Apparently that was a lie, but I heard it so much that I still believe it even though I know she was trying to get me to stay out of her affair. I still try make sure I dont raise the bar, but she insitst that it is what she wants now. I see it in a different light. She has never liked me pushing her, even before the marriage, but now she asks me to do it. I have been trained over 8 years not to "push" her and now she wants me to push her and have expectations of her? I just dont get it what if I do and she resents me and we wind up where we were a year, two years ago.

Its kind of scary because now I live with this feeling (false thoughts that I make up myself) that if anything in our marriage goes wrong, Sapph will cheat on me and leave. I try to be the perfect husband, but that might ruin things too. Marriage after an affair is the most difficult balance trick ever. I have to contantly try to reel her in, if I become complacent or omit something then there is the possibility that she will go off again.

So heres to the continual work at being married. Gotta break bad habits, and keep the good all the time.

howdy Wheels!! Thanks for the update. I think your wife, Sapphire, ROCKS!

Thanks! Ill tell her.

yeah she is spunky! She has a fire so much against adultry that it makes her sick to hear some of these stories. She has really improved herself, and built some really good boundaries.

Sounds like you guys are doing great, WS, and sounds like you are ready to move over to the "In Recovery" board

Where has Sapph been hiding? Tell her we miss her

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