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I did not compose this.
I like to collect classic (notable) posts that are genuinely & universally useful.
DoNoMo (AKA Barnboy) wrote this gem.
When she comes back, you have just one job: be the husband she needs.
* PROTECT HER from your anger, disrespect, and demands by learning to say "This conversation isn't safe for me right now. I'd love to talk later." Walk away and do something else if that happens.
* PROTECT YOURSELF from her anger, disrespect, and demands by learning to say "This conversation isn't safe for me right now. I'd love to talk later. Walk away and do something else if that happens.
* MEET HER NEEDS, particularly affection and conversation, by asking "How can I help you?" and "How do you feel if...?" questions, as well as demonstrating physical affection and finding ways to show her you are always thinking about her.
* INVITE HER TO MEET YOUR NEEDS using thoughtful requests and respectful persuasion. Frame each request or persuasion attempt in your mind using "How would you feel about..." or "I'd love it if..." questions/statements that avoid use of the word "YOU" anywhere in them. Think "I'd love it if we could find a way to meet my need for openness & honesty together", or "How would you feel about taking a few days off work so we can be together?" Don't expect a lot of results for several weeks or months, though, until her addiction wears off.
* SPEND UNINTERRUPTED TIME TOGETHER, a bare minimum of 15 hours per week (but shoot for 30!). Ensure during this time you are giving one another undivided attention without distractions. This may mean booking flights together if she goes out of town from now on (and finding a nanny), or coming to a mutually-enthusiastic agreement of a change in her job responsibilities to avoid spending overnights away from you ever again.
* BE HONEST with her about your feelings in a non-judgmental way. "I'm sad today because I'm thinking about all that has happened" or "I am happy you are home."
* REWARD HER HONESTY by learning to say "Thank you for being honest" while not allowing yourself to become defensive even if her honesty sounds accusatory. Do not interrupt to correct her, and practice expressing how her accusations make you feel rather than stating why they are wrong.
* ESTABLISH EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS to prevent recidivism, as recommended in "Surviving An Affair". Discover the real reasons the affair happened. Hint: none of the real reasons will blame you. They will all deal with her, her feelings, and her own precautions, or possibly joint precautions. Part of those EPs, though, is complete and radical honesty with you for the rest of her life... enforced through whatever technological or process changes you think are appropriate to make sure you know even when she doesn't want you to know.
Remember those EPs include your full access to every password, every account, every mailing, any and every piece of information that you need to reassure yourself she's not having another affair. Complete, absolute transparency. Remind her it's not a punishment, but a way to fill your emotional need for openness & honesty.
* EXPECT APPROACH-AVOIDANCE. She may have the attraction/repulsion dynamic going on here, wanting to be with you when she's away from you, and wanting to be away from you when she's with you. Figure out what repulses her -- probably Love Busters -- and find ways to remedy them together.
Remember always that she is totally responsible for how you feel about her, and you are totally responsible for how she feels about you. You cannot change your own feelings toward her: she must. She cannot change her own feelings toward you: you must. Treat that as a sacred responsibility to nurse her back to health after these horrible, tragic events occurred. They happened completely due to her own decisions, but she needs time to heal, nonetheless.
Expect withdrawal.
To sum up again:
* PROTECTION
* CARE
* TIME
* HONESTY
* EXCLUSIVE NEED-MEETING
* POJA
Expect her honesty to grow with time, and for her to have some difficulty talking about things at first. Remember that EVERY conversation about the affair has a cost in Love Units withdrawn when she accesses that memory bank. Plan to keep such conversations to a minimum. It's helpful to write down your questions and plan to discuss them at a certain time on a certain day each week so you can keep those Love Unit Withdrawals to a minimum. Avoid "Why" questions, if you have them, and focus on "What", "When", "Where", and "With Whom" questions, because "Why" questions can be answered by understanding Love Bank balances, exclusive need-meeting, and independent behavior + dishonesty being requirements for conducting an affair.
Good luck, bro. We're here.
_________________________
Doormat_No_More (Formerly Barnboy)
Story for now (original lost in the Great MarriageBuilders Forum Purge of '09.)
It takes your investment.
Especially if your previous history as a husband to your WW is not something you are proud of.
READ
THINK
DO
.
.
.
EVALUATE
.
.
.
(re) READ
(re) THINK
DO (better)
Last edited by Pepperband; 02/25/10 12:28 PM. Reason: Thread title change
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
READ
THINK
DO
.
.
.
EVALUATE
.
.
.
(re) READ
(re) THINK
DO (better) Remember dear gents, when you go to .... EVALUATE ... you are making judgments about YOUR ability to fulfill the things on your "to do" list. You are not evaluating WW's reactions so much as your own behaviors.
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Joined: Oct 2000
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Expect her honesty to grow with time, and for her to have some difficulty talking about things at first. Remember that EVERY conversation about the affair has a cost in Love Units withdrawn when she accesses that memory bank. Plan to keep such conversations to a minimum. It's helpful to write down your questions and plan to discuss them at a certain time on a certain day each week so you can keep those Love Unit Withdrawals to a minimum. Avoid "Why" questions, if you have them, and focus on "What", "When", "Where", and "With Whom" questions, because "Why" questions can be answered by understanding Love Bank balances, exclusive need-meeting, and independent behavior + dishonesty being requirements for conducting an affair.
The responses to "WHY?" or "How could you?"
seldom satisfy
and seldom
move the couple towards intimacy.
Remember - your goal is to establish intimacy.
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Remember always that she is totally responsible for how you feel about her, and you are totally responsible for how she feels about you. You cannot change your own feelings toward her: she must. She cannot change her own feelings toward you: you must. This forum rocks because of the little jewels I find now and again that really hit home. This is one of them.
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Remember always that she is totally responsible for how you feel about her, and you are totally responsible for how she feels about you. You cannot change your own feelings toward her: she must. She cannot change her own feelings toward you: you must. This forum rocks because of the little jewels I find now and again that really hit home. This is one of them. I've amended my statement above to say something like "As long as both spouses only allow one another to meet their intimate emotional needs." If either one of you is allowing others to meet your intimate emotional needs (including substance addiction and pornography), then "Contrast Effect" will make the spouse look worse compared to whatever the current fantasy is.
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Jes wanted to point out that Barnboy has been on MB for FOUR MONTHS and writes posts like that. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Remember always that she is totally responsible for how you feel about her, and you are totally responsible for how she feels about you. You cannot change your own feelings toward her: she must. She cannot change her own feelings toward you: you must. This forum rocks because of the little jewels I find now and again that really hit home. This is one of them. This one really hits home because my wayward wife has repeated this over and over since D-day, "I'm not sure I can ever change the way I feel about you now." I have not known how to reply and struggled awkwardly trying to explain MB concepts and how it is possible to fall in love again. The statement above lays it out so beautifully simple. The answer is: She cannot make herself change the way she feels about me. Only I can do that.
Last edited by schtoop; 02/25/10 02:10 PM.
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Mel, we've been a good influence on him. 
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Hmmmmm, now that I'm free from the murderous harpy, I am now the man she pined for.
I have a job that would support her imagined financial needs now, I have power, respect and status at my job.
I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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This paragraph warrants special attention.
Avoid "Why" questions ...
The responses to "WHY?" or "How could you?"
seldom satisfy
and seldom
move the couple towards intimacy.
Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday 
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Thank you for this! It really speaks to me. I have been thinking of ways to engage my WW and I am very excited to use this info.
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Silly question - do you have one for the BW? or is it pretty much the same thing?
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BUMP for the new crop of BH's trying to woo back a somewhat reluctant, petulant WW.
I did not compose this.
I like to collect classic (notable) posts that are genuinely & universally useful.
DoNoMo (AKA Barnboy) wrote this gem.
When she comes back, you have just one job: be the husband she needs.
* PROTECT HER from your anger, disrespect, and demands by learning to say "This conversation isn't safe for me right now. I'd love to talk later." Walk away and do something else if that happens.
* PROTECT YOURSELF from her anger, disrespect, and demands by learning to say "This conversation isn't safe for me right now. I'd love to talk later. Walk away and do something else if that happens.
* MEET HER NEEDS, particularly affection and conversation, by asking "How can I help you?" and "How do you feel if...?" questions, as well as demonstrating physical affection and finding ways to show her you are always thinking about her.
* INVITE HER TO MEET YOUR NEEDS using thoughtful requests and respectful persuasion. Frame each request or persuasion attempt in your mind using "How would you feel about..." or "I'd love it if..." questions/statements that avoid use of the word "YOU" anywhere in them. Think "I'd love it if we could find a way to meet my need for openness & honesty together", or "How would you feel about taking a few days off work so we can be together?" Don't expect a lot of results for several weeks or months, though, until her addiction wears off.
* SPEND UNINTERRUPTED TIME TOGETHER, a bare minimum of 15 hours per week (but shoot for 30!). Ensure during this time you are giving one another undivided attention without distractions. This may mean booking flights together if she goes out of town from now on (and finding a nanny), or coming to a mutually-enthusiastic agreement of a change in her job responsibilities to avoid spending overnights away from you ever again.
* BE HONEST with her about your feelings in a non-judgmental way. "I'm sad today because I'm thinking about all that has happened" or "I am happy you are home."
* REWARD HER HONESTY by learning to say "Thank you for being honest" while not allowing yourself to become defensive even if her honesty sounds accusatory. Do not interrupt to correct her, and practice expressing how her accusations make you feel rather than stating why they are wrong.
* ESTABLISH EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS to prevent recidivism, as recommended in "Surviving An Affair". Discover the real reasons the affair happened. Hint: none of the real reasons will blame you. They will all deal with her, her feelings, and her own precautions, or possibly joint precautions. Part of those EPs, though, is complete and radical honesty with you for the rest of her life... enforced through whatever technological or process changes you think are appropriate to make sure you know even when she doesn't want you to know.
Remember those EPs include your full access to every password, every account, every mailing, any and every piece of information that you need to reassure yourself she's not having another affair. Complete, absolute transparency. Remind her it's not a punishment, but a way to fill your emotional need for openness & honesty.
* EXPECT APPROACH-AVOIDANCE. She may have the attraction/repulsion dynamic going on here, wanting to be with you when she's away from you, and wanting to be away from you when she's with you. Figure out what repulses her -- probably Love Busters -- and find ways to remedy them together.
Remember always that she is totally responsible for how you feel about her, and you are totally responsible for how she feels about you. You cannot change your own feelings toward her: she must. She cannot change her own feelings toward you: you must. Treat that as a sacred responsibility to nurse her back to health after these horrible, tragic events occurred. They happened completely due to her own decisions, but she needs time to heal, nonetheless.
Expect withdrawal.
To sum up again:
* PROTECTION
* CARE
* TIME
* HONESTY
* EXCLUSIVE NEED-MEETING
* POJA
Expect her honesty to grow with time, and for her to have some difficulty talking about things at first. Remember that EVERY conversation about the affair has a cost in Love Units withdrawn when she accesses that memory bank. Plan to keep such conversations to a minimum. It's helpful to write down your questions and plan to discuss them at a certain time on a certain day each week so you can keep those Love Unit Withdrawals to a minimum. Avoid "Why" questions, if you have them, and focus on "What", "When", "Where", and "With Whom" questions, because "Why" questions can be answered by understanding Love Bank balances, exclusive need-meeting, and independent behavior + dishonesty being requirements for conducting an affair.
Good luck, bro. We're here.
_________________________
Doormat_No_More (Formerly Barnboy)
Story for now (original lost in the Great MarriageBuilders Forum Purge of '09.)
It takes your investment.
Especially if your previous history as a husband to your WW is not something you are proud of.
READ
THINK
DO
.
.
.
EVALUATE
.
.
.
(re) READ
(re) THINK
DO (better)
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Posts: 195
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Remember always that she is totally responsible for how you feel about her, and you are totally responsible for how she feels about you. You cannot change your own feelings toward her: she must. She cannot change her own feelings toward you: you must. This forum rocks because of the little jewels I find now and again that really hit home. This is one of them. Pepper. Thank you for this great bump today. Awesome find! Really hits home...
ME: BS, 37
WW: 37
DS 7 DS 5
Married 11 Years
DDay 2/4/13 EA
ILYBINILWY; 2/6/13
Nuclear Expose:2/18/13
Currently in Plan A
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Pepper. Thank you for this great bump today. Awesome find! Really hits home... This 'bump' was intended for you. You probably already figured that out. You are welcome.
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Pepper,
Thanks for bumping this up. What a great post!
Stone
BH: 35 (Me)
WW: 34
DS: 2
D-Day: 27 Dec 12
Exposure: 4 Jan 13
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Gentleman,
I would suggest you search DoNoMo's posts... There is no other poster that comes to mind on this forum that so succinctly posts just what Dr. Harley says, as Dr. Harley says it in the manner that he does (this excludes direct quotes - if we are going that direction, BrainHurts wins the Cupie Doll).
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Gentleman,
I would suggest you search DoNoMo's posts... There is no other poster that comes to mind on this forum that so succinctly posts just what Dr. Harley says, as Dr. Harley says it in the manner that he does (this excludes direct quotes - if we are going that direction, BrainHurts wins the Cupie Doll).  I agree, and wish DoNoMo was able to get on the boards more often.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I agree, and wish DoNoMo was able to get on the boards more often. Sorry I've not been around a lot. I reached a point where I realized my participation in the forum was causing unnecessary anxiety, "bringing the past into the present". I'm thinking about increasing my level of activity again, but avoiding the SAA & Recovery forums in favor of things like MarriageBuilders 101. --DoNoMo
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