Hi

Haven't posted very much recently but have continued to read the forums regularly and they have helped me a great deal in my personal recovery. For the first time in a long time I feel proud of myself and what I've managed to do.

I don't know how to link to my original thread but in a nutshell I found out my husband was having an affair in Oct 2011 and that he was a serial cheater. I didn't know about Marriage Builders then so asked him to move out but at that point hoped there was a possiblity to recover our marriage.

Lots happened after that including my dad dying and my eldest daughter having a baby. I went into Plan B and did my best with an IM, also had almost a year of individual counselling. I made the decision to move with two of my children to my home town and my WH moved in with OW.

My eldest daughter (aged 18) also chose to move to my home town with her partner and baby but doesn't live with me.

Youngest child is 9 and has every other weekend with his dad, OW and her children. This has led to some upset for him as things his dad has done have made him angry and feel let down. Middle child aged 13 will not see her dad.

My question is about eldest daughter who sees her dad and also OW, which makes me feel terribly betrayed - like eldest daugher thinks what her dad did is ok. I feel like my daughter uses me for help when she feels like it (e.g. with her baby) but doesn't really care that her dad's actions have hurt me, her brother and sister and destroyed our family. I understand about her still seeing her dad but what I find hard is that she is willing to be with OW.

I'm at the point where I feel I would rather not see my eldest daughter anymore because I feel so upset over this issue.

My second question is about divorce - I havent started divorce proceedings yet, mainly because of cost but also because WH told me he would deal with starting divorce but hasn't done so yet. I think he wants me to do it so that he can claim later on that I was the one who divorced him (he loves to blame me for things).

I'm doing well in my personal recovery, have plans, joined a gym etc. Have no desire to meet another partner yet as I feel I have to recover myself and be a good mum to the two children that live with me first.

Is there any benefit for me to start divorce proceedings? Although I don't think my marriage will recover I already consider WH to be my ex and I'm not looking to date.

Some long time posters like Melodylane, Neverguessed and HDW gave me really sensible advice last time, so hoping they and others can help me again.

Thanks.

Welcome Back Jay. Here is one of your threads.
Jay67's Thread

Hi Jay, I'm in the UK too - in London. I'm sorry to read of these events in your marriage, and the continuing repercussions.

I'm not sure what your first question is. Is it that you want to know whether you should keep in contact with your daughter?

We had a thread on here about a year ago that severely divided opinions on the forum, where the BW found out that her (Plan B) ex had married (I'm not sure it the same woman that broke up the marriage) and the grown kids had been visiting them. In fact, the son was the best man at the wedding, which took place only four months after the divorce (initiated by the WH) was complete.

I think that everyone, including you it seems, can accept your eldest daughter's wish and need to see her father. However, it is the friendship with OW that is the problem. People on the other thread felt that asking a child not to see and be friends with OW was like asking a child to take sides, which isn't fair, even in the clear case of an abandoned BW.

Your options seem to be 1, to accept what your daughter chooses to do and maintain contact with her as it has always been, 2, to not see her and to tell her that her friendship with OW hurts you, and 3, to see her, but to remove yourself as a crutch in her life, as someone to call on when she needs help.

The problem with solutions 2 and 3 is that you might end up not seeing your grandchild. How do you feel about pursuing an option that might end up that way?

How, indeed, would you feel about not seeing your daughter in the long term, supposing that she chooses to stay friend with OW? How would you feel if she got married and you were not invited to the wedding, or if she has more children and you never see them?

I'm not saying that you should decide against 2 or 3 because of these implications - far from it. I think I'd feel like you in this situation and be tempted not to see my daughter for as long as it takes. I just want you to be clear about the implications.

Jay, it is much better for readers here if you update your existing thread when you come back, unless you are posting about a substantially different issue. To do that, when you log in you will see...

Forum List My Stuff Active Topics Search FAQ

...underneath the Welcome notice. Click "My Stuff" and select "posts" from the drop-down menu. Find your thread and add a post to it.

Thank you for that BrainHurts, I couldn't work out how to do the link.

I've been doing so well - felt like I had such a battle over the last year to start getting over massive betrayal of WH. Took all my children and grandchild on holiday for Christmas and New Year to Florida and we had a great time. Did the house move myself with only a little help from my cousin. Now I'm settled and rebuilding my life but it seems I can't escape the damage that WH has done to our family. Usually, its through my son being really upset about something that has happened with his dad.

I also have to say that I'm not in strict Plan B now as my cousin and my sister acted as IM but both of them found WH impossible to deal with. My counsellor told me that she had dealt with many many separating couples but never found anyone who was making things as difficult as WH. However though I'm not in strict Plan B, I only ever respond to queries about contact with my son and try to only give a one word response (e.g. ok to a request).

So why do I now feel that I'm going backwards instead of forwards? And am I being unfair to my eldest daughter in expecting her not to socialise with OW?

Jay67,

As far as the divorce question:

First, ignore what juvenile feelings or motivations WH might have. You don't care, right? You're in Plan B, or as much as you can implement with underage children. You need to decide what maximizes the benefit to you and the children, and act in that manner.

Is there any legal considerations working for/against you in this matter? Health benefits flowing from on to the other? Are there any economic entanglements that cannot be dismissed without a formal end to the marriage?

Are there any "fault" considerations in your jurisdiction that would work in your favor in a divorce action?

Would the closure of the chapter on your WH-destroyed marriage aid your youngsters in their healing?

Absent a formal divorce decree, are you comfortable with the reliability of whatever monetary support WH currently contributes to your children?

You mention that you are not open to male companionship today, and that's understandable and commendable. What is vital is that starting divorce actions would not work to satisfy your immediate desires in that matter, since the divorce might take a year or more to close. Can you envision being open to a more suitable male partner some time in the future?

Hi SugarCane and NeverGuessed and thanks for your responses.

With regard to my daughter, I've tried hard not to put her in a position where she had to choose me or her dad. However, OW got involved with WH through Facebook knowing full well that he was married and had children. She has been married twice and apparently at least one of her marriages ended because of her husband cheating. I hate the fact that my children have her kind of influence on them. I do fully appreciate that my actions may mean that I do not see my daughter or granddaugher. But if I continue as things are I feel that I'm not being true to myself or my values and my daughter is just using me and lying to me.

I've worked hard on myself with the counselling to stop trying to be a 'fixer' for other people and to work on my life. I met WH when I was 20 and was with him for 24 years. I've found out that the life I lived with him was a lie which is a horrible thing to have to deal with. To have a similar relationship with my daughter based on dishonesty would be awful. My inclination would be to tell her the reason why I felt I couldn't be involved with her anymore. Its not just that she's been seeing OW, its also that she's been lying to me about it.

Re the divorce question, NeverGuessed you are right it doesn't matter what is going through WH's head.

I'm in the UK and don't get health benefits through him and we have a system where child support can be arranged without necessarily divorcing. We also have 'no fault' divorce so his continued adultery wouldn't work in my favour in a divorce.

The only financial implications to be sorted in divorce is that we have some joint money which we invested in his mothers property. Also my dad died after we separated and I inherited some money from him. I strongly feel that I would not want my husband to have any part of my inheritance from my father but it could happen.

I could envisage a time when I would be open to a new male partner but it would have to be when my children are older (as per Dr Harley advice). I do admire people who have successfully blended two families but it seems like a big pressure on a new relationship. Also my children have been through a lot in the last year. Despite being with my WH for over 20 years I do not feel that we ever had a genuine relationship so I'm extremely wary now.

With regard to my children, yes in some ways I do wonder if divorce would help them by putting a formal ending to the marriage. I guess I'm slightly afraid of how WH would step up with the drama during a divorce. I've had enough drama over the last year or so to last a life time. I never want to go through anything like this again.

Jay, you need to find out from a solicitor what would happen to the jointly-invested money, and to your inheritance, if you divorce. Since your decision seems to revolve around the financial implications of divorce (since you do not seem to have emotional considerations at stake) then only a lawyer can establish those considerations. You then make a decision on the basis of what he or she tells you.

If everything is working to your satisfaction at the moment, then why do you want to divorce? I think that, whatever, the law in England turns out to be, you cannot expect your financial situation to stay unchanged. It will have to become better, on balance, or worse.

The solicitor I saw (I did not divorce after all) encouraged me to speak to my H and ask what he was prepared to offer me, and to try and divorce using DIY facilities available online. She told me that using a lawyer would cost me at least �7,000.

She said I should start negotiations from the position that, with a minor child at home (son 14 at the time) a judge would give me 60% of the value of our home, and child support for my son (and daughter who hadn't yet finished university). I would not get maintenance for myself as I earned a salary and H was about to draw his company pension. She suggested that I negotiated not to get any money from his pension if he would give up his rights to mine (in the future). I should attempt to buy him out the home now so that I should be free of all claims years down the line.

Her view was that I might be able to get slightly more than that if I asked nicely, since he was putting me in this position by continuing a 7-year affair. He might be glad of a clean break and might give me the whole (mortgage-free) house in return for no child support, for example.

You need to talk to a lawyer this week. It will cost you about �100 for a consultation.

Hi SugarCane

I did have an initial consultation with a solicitor about ten months ago and she advised me not to rush into things. She thought (based on her long experience) that WH would come back but said that if we divorced the money I inherited was not an asset of the marriage. And that if WH tried to claim some of it I could argue that it would be needed to house myself and our children. At that time, I would have done anything possible to save the marriage but its been 16 months now since DDay so it's not looking likely. And I've changed over the time period so WH would have to step up in a big way which given his history I don't think he could.

It's not possible to convey how huge this whole thing has been for me. To find that someone you have loved, supported and had children with has utterly betrayed you when you have tried your hardest to be a good wife is almost more than I could take. So I think there are still big emotions involved and I genuinely believe it would have been better for all of us if the marriage could have worked. But it was not possible for that to happen with only me willing to do the work.

I'ved talked about finance because WH's contact with the children is already as sorted as I think it can be. (As mentioned 13 year old refuses to see him). I offered to go to family mediation to resolve this and he ignored. He initially didn't even want to provide financial support for his children but after 10 months of trying to negotiate with him I went to the CSA so they could deal with it.

I suppose that I only feel I should divorce in order to draw a close to this whole sorry mess. Its about me accepting the reality that he's not coming back. I just don't know if its worth spending thousands to do it, I'd rather spend it on making some happier memories for my children.

Thanks everyone who is posting, I really think that knowing other people have been through similar situations and come out the other side is one of the most important things that has helped me get through what has been the most horrendous time in my life.

You could divorce without spending much money at all. There are forms available to download online. You file a copy with the court and give H a copy. If he agrees to the terms, including financial terms, you could do the whole thing yourselves. However, the court has to be satisfied with the arrangements for the children. With a son as young as yours, a judge might want to speak to him.

I do understand what you mean about the emotional drain. The only thing my clumsy wording was trying to convey was that you are not wanting to stay legally married to keep the door open, and neither are you trying to divorce because you want to remarry.

I'm not convinced that you need to divorce now, if you have all the financial arrangements that suit you.

The only thing I can think of in favour of doing it now is that, if you wait years until your son is out of the house, you might not get 60% of the house. The figure might go down to 50%. However, even that does not mean that you need to divorce this year or next.

Also, in Dr H's experience 2 years is something of a milestone in an affair. Most affairs collapse before 2 years is up (following the affair coming to light). It is rare for an affair to go beyond that date, although of course, some make it to marriage and eternal happiness (not).

You could give this at least another 6 months and see how strongly you feel about divorcing.

Have you spoken to a solicitor or counselor about the two financial items? If "separated" in your note has a legal standing, and not merely living separately, it may be that your inheritance would be shielded from his interest, while the capital invested in his mother's property would be considered a joint asset.

Everything else appearing to be in a "no difference - doesn't matter" alignment, then the only question (once the possibility of reconciliation is ruled out), would be the emotional/psychological balance between dragging along a dead relationship, and actually making the hard decision to end it.

Well there's no point in being married if your husband is living with another woman.
He should be ashamed to show his face in front of his peers! He is a married man!

I suggest you file for divorce and enter a real plan B.
It is possible he may return, hat in hand to you.

Divorce allows him to face the consequences of his actions.

When you file for divorce tell the attorney that he has abandoned the family and is living with another woman

Thank you all for your viewpoints. If anything, this experience has made me clearer on my own values and what I will accept from others. I have to try and take some positives from it.

I had a longstanding friend of 20 years who ended her marriage because she had an affair. Her children and ex-husband don't even know that is why she left, they think she met the new partner afterwards. Anyway, I just couldn't continue with the friendship, it was especially hurtful when I asked her if it had all been worth the heartache and she said she wasn't sure.

Last night my son wanted a cuddle and told me he wished he could go back to being a baby. I asked why he wanted to be younger and he said it was because he was happy until his dad left. I wish my WH did face the consequences of his actions but its me who deals with the children's distress.

Thats why I'm so upset about my eldest daughter meeting OW and her children (and also mother-in-law). It's like they are enabling WH's actions. My daughter knows very well the impact this has had on her brother and sister. I've decided that I will talk to her and explain how upset I feel and that she is free to choose what she wants to do. But that if she wishes to develop a relationship with OW, then I can't see her. I'm fully aware of the consequence for me of this action but I think its the only way. I would like to think that I can set an example for our children on how to treat others with honesty.

As far as divorce, realistically I think it is the way things will go but I will wait another six months before taking action. Partly to give the situation two years before giving up on our marriage but also because I feel I need to build up my ability to deal with it.

Meanwhile I'm going to see if I can find a way to be in proper Plan B without any contact with WH. Not helped that he keeps sending cards and presents to my house for middle daughter who won't see him. He can do that but wouldn't go to family mediation, even though he had suggested it himself.