Hi All,

Ok here is my situation. I think my wife is cheating on me if not physically at least emotionally. She is "at work" all hours of the day and night (around 80 hrs a week) sometimes till 1am. Now things have not been the best in the marriage for a while now but this situation is making things far worse.

So anyway back a few weeks ago I was getting stuff together to have our taxes done. So I went out to her car to retrieve her registration so as to use it as a deduction. While searching for the registration a hallmark card fell out of the mess (very messy car) and so I looked at it. It was from 2 co workers in reference to our dog dying a few months ago. One was what I would consider normal from a coworker, sorry for your loss etc. The other was way over the line in my opinion it said how sorry he was for her loss and that he would always be there for her and then was signed I Love YOU Name. When I confronted her with it she said it is just how he is, he talks like that to everyone, if she was gonna screw around she would do it with someone her own age who makes lots of money (a dig at how I don�t make a ton of money. Although I do pay all the bills)
Now a bit of background on this guy, first he is half her age second he has been overly involved with her (and unfortunately my daughter as well) for a while now. Things like last fall my wife, daughter and he went to �get pumpkins for the stores� and ended up doing a corn maze and ice cream while I was at work. Several other times this has occurred as well. It makes me cringe when my 6yr old daughter says how this guy is her �best friend� and how he tickles her and they have such fun. While all this goes on my wife basically has nothing to do with me at all.
So anyway continuing on, last night while wife was out (supposedly grocery shopping but I later found out she was at one of the stores first) I took a look through her work bag. Inside I found 2 birthday cards one for her and one for my daughter both from this guy. The one to the wife was not as inappropriate as the dog one just said how lucky he was to have met her etc. The one to my daughter was just creepy. Saying things like he was sure �mommy� had gotten her great stuff for her birthday and how once the snow melts they were going to have to spend lots and lots of time together at the park. Signed your best friend �name�.
So any thoughts on all this? Am I over reacting? My gut reaction is to up and leave which I probably would do if not for my daughter. Should I just �tough it out� till my daughter is grown and then decide what to do? What I may do is confront wife again and say look either this ends or we end. Good idea? Bad idea?
Thanks for any input

Dad,

Welcome to Marriagebuilders. I am sorry for the reason that brings you here. It is very likely that this is a physical affair that has been going on for several months.

Please look over the material on this site. There are several articles as well as a thread for the newly betrayed. Also, get and read Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving an Affair". There is great advice on here about how to recover a marriage from an affair, not ust "tough it out", but make it better than ever.

How old are you and your wife? How long have you been married and is this the first marriage for you both?

AM

HI Army,

Thanks for advice I will look into those things. As for info on us I am 48 she is 43 been married 11 yrs and it is my first and her second marriage.

Dad,

Do you know the OM? Is he married?

Please look at the Operation Investigate forum. It has ideas for keyloggers, GPS, VAR, etc. Can you look at the phone records for your wife?

AM

Hi Army,

He is not married,is 22yrs old and really makes little money to speak of. Crazy thing is I bet he looks at her as a "sugar mama". I file all our bills and have noticed that for the last 3 months i no longer recieve her credit card statements to file. I can only imagine what is being spent. I cant get phone records as she has a company cell phone and uses that for all calls (she is on it non stop into all hours of the night). I have thought about gps for this still out at 1am nights though. She basically knows she is free to go as she likes late at night because I am home with our daughter so I am not going to go waking her up to go out looking for where mom is.

You think I would be out of line to say I dont want my daughter associating with this guy if nothing else?

Dad,

Do you know where OM lives? Does he live with his parents or a roommate?

See if you can get the credit card statement from on-line. Also, put a VAR in her car.

Can you keep your daughter from seeing OM without tipping your hand right now? The goal here is to accumulate some evidence and then do a massive exposure - to friends, family and especially at work. For now, just gather the information you need to expose. Don't let her know you are doing it or she and OM will spin it that you are some crazy nut.

AM

Dad,

Did you do anything back in December when you were first here? You were advised to snoop and then you dropped off the forum. What has happened between then and now?

Are you ready and willing to fight for your marriage and your daughter?

AM

You have to put a stop the the interactions with your daughter RIGHT NOW. This man is grooming her for something.

You must make sure your daughter does not see him again. If you also want to fight for your marriage, you will have to find out how deep this affair has gone by snooping, and your wife will have to give up her job. By the sound of it, this man lives quite near, so you will have to move away, too.

You need to snoop for things that you can take to the authorities about this man's interest in your daughter.

not sure where he lives or with who. Supposedly he has a girlfriend though. Unfortunantly she already knows I suspect something as usually I am not too good with biding time and gathering evidence. Usually once I find something I come right out and confront her with it. Although last night when i found the birthday cards i was better and kept it to myself.

As to my daughter, his association with her just really creeps me out. In today's world you just dont know about anyones intentions. I remember eons ago when I was in my young 20's and the last thing I would have been interested in was hanging out being "best Friends" with a 6 yr old girl. Then again I was not associating with married women signing cards "I Love You either.

Hi SC,
Thanks for the advice. I did keep that creepy birthday card and am going to tell my wife I dont want her bringing my daughter around him anymore. Of course I had that same conversation back with the corn maze and ice cream incedent and wife even said "ok even though i think there is nothing wrong i will do it since it bothers you" Well we see where that went. Thanks again for the info.

Here is your game plan. Most betrayed husbands haven't the courage to follow it fully,
to their own discomfiture. Those that do have remarkably better results than the rest.

NEVERGUESSED'S BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. ("Eblaster" can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take "personal" calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and "on" whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife's contacts, to the tune of: "I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333"
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM's contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

Thanks NG

That is good advice. I guess i need to get more proactive on this whole thing. I guess I have been fooling myself into thinking that I can "convince" her to stop all this crazyness. But that is obviously not working.

You must also understand and accept that a huge part of this workplace-initiated exposure will be informing her superiors, HR, and corporate officers of the affair. This will likely terminate her employment, either by them or through her own resignation.

Oh, well, it sucks to be a wayward......

And, the entire pre-exposure preparation should take one week or less. Any longer, and you're chickening-out, and delaying.

I am actually furious to read your first thread here and see that we warned you to snoop and put a stop to this affair, and you did nothing. You don't have any evidence gathered from spying, only a birthday card that fell out of the car.

If losing your marriage and seeing your own daughter every other weekend isn't enough to make you act, the fact that this man is "interested" in her ought to fire you up - but I'm not convinced, judging on your calm "thank you" rections so far. Why aren't you out confonting this man right now?

One additional tip: carry out a DNA test on your daughter.

This situation reeks of pedophile grooming. As much as I want to tell you to fight for your marriage, the motherly instinct in me is saying you need to fight for your daughters safety first and foremost.

Really? You think so?

Hi SC,

I did not do "nothing" I confronted her and she said he would have no more contact with my daughter.

I have been "snooping" that is how i found the birthday cards in her briefcase last night. The letter that fell out of the car was from the dog dying.

You confuse me when you say I have done nothing I am now trying to gather enough evidence to confront and really have an effect. Usually I would confront with one piece of evidence and it would get no where.

As to my being so "calm" I am not calm, my BP is through the roof actually. But running off my mouth half cocked at least in my opinion will not get me anywhere.

I fully intend to to tell her again that I want no contact between this guy and my daughter and do not even want my daughter brought with my wife while she is working anymore. But what do I do if she still continues? If I leave then that will just free her to allow my daughter more association with this guy. I am also going to try to obtain a gps and a digital VR and see what more evidence can be gathered.

Honestly I am just "tired" and feel beaten down in alot of ways. I came here to get advice on if I am overreacting to all this as my wife contantly says I am . From your reply I can see you think i am under reacting.

I thank you for your advice and thoughts but disagree that "showing" my anger more will help the situation in any way.

Hi Unwritten

I agree 100,000,000% And that is what I am going to attack first and foremost.

Point well taken. As I said I am going to confront wife about this guy tonight after my daughter goes to bed when ever my wife decides to come home. I am going to say that I want there to be no more contact between my daughter and this guy and also if she wants the marriage to continue then I want her contact with him to stop as well.

I am also going to bring out that i think he may be doing some kind of "grooming" and see if that may shock her into following my wishes on this.