Thanks Mr. W. I thought I was doing just what you suggested. I am sure that you recognize that I wrote most of this based on your recommendations in a previous post.

So, do file D but ask lawyer to drag it out? Or walk back on my threat. File for full custody and show WW this will not be a quick and easy death? Or hold off and Plan A? I know I put myself here with my recent mistakes but I can now just learn from them.

Phone tracker is still working. She has been talking to MIL since I sent the email this AM. No contact to or from OM so far. Based on their prior history of 20/texts per day I thought they would be hot and heavy by now. IL's do not have a home phone and no way would MIL allow her to use her cell phone. They do not have text messaging on their cell plan either.

I agree with Mr. W's sentiments. One way for FIL and MIL to help is to encourage her to get back into the marital home and give the marriage a good go before calling it quits.

Also me and my in-laws were very close even throughout the entire ordeal. However, once they re-established ties with WH our relationship was basically cut off. The reality is though the kids may see their grandparents it is highly unlikely that you will be attending family dinners in the event of a divorce.

I am a bit upset over your current choices FG and also worried about Mom's best intended help. I am afraid for you and your boys. Now there is no one left to champion this marriage. Its completely adrift now. Take a good hard look at all that has come between you and your wife. Its your wife's affair that has created the devastating blow but the two of you have not minded the marriage for some time now.

Parents and in-laws are usually terrific people whom can also be very unhelpful in how they attempt to help us in many instances. They can enable us in the process of protecting us from our own actions and pain. When you were married you left your parents home to become one with your wife. It appears this process and leaving may not have fully happened yet. This alone can be partly responsible for the ungluing
of your marriage.

FG, consider standing up for the marriage both you and your wife deserve. Yes, you will need to take a few bullets now. It may feel like death by one thousand cuts sometimes. But remember this affair might not have occurred if you and your wife had always practiced extraordinary precautions and placed boundaries on those outside your marital home. This includes friends, neighbors, co-workers, family members and even your own children. You just did not put your marriage front and center so why keep doing this? Why not take a stand now and keep your marriage in the spot light. this does not mean you stop caring for yourself, your health and your children. I would hope you can step back and cast a wider net.

At least suspend any major decisions. Stop simply reacting to others. This is a poor habit. It seems you really want your family intact. Step back. Pray, meditate... you have already been noticing how extraordinary the ordinary is in your life. (via coloring w/sons) How precious your relationships are to you. Stay with this. More often then not these affair relationships that trigger fog are meaningless to the affair partners. This is why we have been telling you to rid yourself of expectations for awhile.

I want my family back!

DITTO...

[but if you don't know THAT'S OK...that's the beauty of the MB process..."Plan A, bust up the affair, Plan B". While you figure out what you want...you've still got a plan for what to do.]

My best guess where this is going - follow up with the attorney and give all parties the idea that you are following up with what you said you were going to do and then let's assess what happens the next few days. It's not like your attorney is expected to or is going to file this by Friday. Paperwork takes time....getting him the information takes time. As long as the enemy perceives you as following through then you can drag your feet on the execution and blame it on the attorney. Then at the last minute...put the paperwork on hold. Don't actually file. In my opinion, you aren't OBLIGATED to file anything here. You can change your mind.

Hopefully your attorney won't want a huge retainer up front. Perhaps you'll need to tell him/her this is just an initial consultation and you want to him/her to have all the info they need to be able to prepare the documents and file it within one or two days of you paying them a retainer.

OK.


That's great.

Never threaten. You want the 'enemy' unaware of your plans.

When WW brings up divorce:

"I don't talk divorce. I spoke out of anger." <~~~ Does not mean you don't get an attorney, by the way. If a divorce is going to happen, you have your counselor/representative do the 'divorce talk'.

Do you think you can Plan A awhile longer, or are you just about spent?

That seems like a fair plan. While this is going on do I still plan A like nothing happened? I have the kids this week and as agreed she will pick them up from school Wednesday and will bring back home @ 7pm. The plan was that mom was going to ask for the house key and garage transmitters at this exchange. I was not planning on being there.

FG, my thoughts are to try to get WW back in the home before the end of this week. You need FIL and MIL to get onboard with that plan and exert a little pressure.

I can take it and Plan A. It seems I just snap when she contacts OM. I think I now truly have no expectations this time.

SELF CARE is vital during Plan A.
I'm serious.

Mr W. I am rereading this I think you are on point as always! I think she was starting to feel some love again and panicked. I probably ruined it with my outburst. ARGHHHHHH! Hopefully this was not my fatal mistake.

Progress. Not perfection.
Carry on, soldier.

Give yourself a break. The amazing thing is once you recover you'll have conversations with your wife rehashing all of this and I wouldn't be surprised for her to indicate that your outburst was one of the things that snapped her out of it. You stood up for yourself and put your foot down on contact with OM. At the least there's something manly and strong about that that could trigger an attraction deep inside her female brain. There's no telling what gets through the fog or not so let it go and do different/better next time.

I tend to think things happen for a reason. If you've been praying...you've got an allies helping you out. Perhaps He has a reason as he works on her with you. You swung your sword last night against evil. It's OK.

Mr. W

Thanks Pepper.

I'm encouraged FG. And Mom I am sorry this is happening to your family too.

My husband is a specialist in a surgical practice for 25 + years. I have worked in the practice for those years too. As veterans we have a pretty good overview of how things will likely evolve for patients, staff and so on. Sure there can be exceptions and unusual circumstances but even within the unpredictable there is some predictability. Overtime as our staff works in the practice they too learn t he ropes.

And that's how it is here. Dr Harley is a super specialist in infidelity. Those who are veterans of this site have gained a certain amount of experience from exposure to the practice as my husbands staff are exposed to his.

The notion of 'the fog' has become a universal truth here. It does not clear your DIL
of responsibility for the damages. Even Dr Harley does not recommend a BS forgive their mates after a recovery begins.

Dr Harley recommends 'just compensation.' This would make your DIL responsible for extraordinary precautions to be put in place to prevent an affair from ever occurring again. Anyway, I caught that it may seem hard to fathom your DIL being able to once again be part of your family and not be held to standard.

In the end both partners are held to this standard of extraordinary care. And this extraordinary care is the best possible result for your grandchildren.

Another condition to consider...

A polygraph.

You might not have to follow through with it as often just the threat of it causes all the truth to come out.

There's a chance she's already done something sexual with OM or some other guy. A secret of such magnitude can and will destroy your marriage. It must be discovered if it is the truth. It may be an impediment to her even considering trying with you too.

Of course...if may be an impediment to you even wanting to recover too... but getting the truth doesn't change the truth. Your recovery can only begin on a foundation of truth so making a polygraph a requirement may get there.


This is a long shot thought but what if OM and your wife had done something and OM got in touch with the neighbor and threatened to tell you EVERYTHING unless your wife contacted him yesterday (maybe he wanted closure and to tell her about your emails hoping she'd reconsider and rekindle their relationship). OM's are nuts and will also do and say anything to get what they want too.

Mr. W

I had another question that needed help with. I purchased WW a dog 10 years ago when we were first married. This has always been my wife's dog. This dog is such a pain in the A. Now please know that this dog is being well cared for, but the dog is all stressed out because WW is not home. There is no way that I want to keep the dog and I have expressed this to WW. ( I am not a bad guy to you dog lovers out there, I just never liked her dog)

IL's do not care much the dog either and WW has stated that she cannot take the dog and it is now my problem. SN always watched the dog for us when we would take vacations or overnights to the beach. Now I need to find a kennel and pay for all care of the dog and it just seems way to unfair to me because this is not my dog!

So, MOM and I were thinking about just dropping off the dog at IL's, after verifying they were home of course, and putting the dog in their front screen room and ringing the bell and just leaving.

Any thoughts?? Please do not hate me dog lovers! I am just looking for a suggestion. Thanks.

So, MOM and I were thinking about just dropping off the dog at IL's...

Your Mom thinks as I do. Few ladies are so brilliant!

I love dogs but some can be a pain. Still I would be concerned this action could be a love buster and less helpful for the long haul. And staying away from actions that are reactionary may be a better plan for now. Sure your wife is antagonizing you w/affair but best not to reciprocate. I'd say this notion is giving you and Mom some fun to think about (black humor) but not a MB thing to actually do.

You are in the beginning stages of adjusting to a new normal. Its a painful process. Enjoy some black humor moments if it helps you get thru your day. But perhaps getting help with the dog in other ways will be best for now. Can the boys take on more responsibility as this dog likely has some meaning for them?