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The actual books I found on amazon are very expensive. I found a local used book store that has an amazing inventory of every sort of book at very good prices. I did not think of used book store. Where I live they do not have one. I'm checking the library too! 
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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The actual books I found on amazon are very expensive. I found a local used book store that has an amazing inventory of every sort of book at very good prices. I did not think of used book store. Where I live they do not have one. I'm checking the library too! Sweet. They have it - will pick it up when they transfer to my branch.
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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Z,
Just remember that the one who has control over abuse is the one who does it and that there's no reason for one to bend over backwards just to keep from enduring it. You could have done everything, and then some, and yet it probably wouldn't have changed his mind about what he was doing.
xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
Online course July '11 to July '12
17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12
Divorced Jan 21, 2013
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You got that right, after 5 years I just got kicked, stomped on and woke the Heck up!!
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Z,
Just remember that the one who has control over abuse is the one who does it and that there's no reason for one to bend over backwards just to keep from enduring it. You could have done everything, and then some, and yet it probably wouldn't have changed his mind about what he was doing. You got that right, after 5 years I just got kicked, stomped on and woke the Heck up!! Thanks to both of you - sounds like the voices of experience. I'll go look for your threads & learn. Most days I can see clearly and agree with what you're saying...occasionally I just feel sad and have doubtful moments. THANK YOU for encouraging me! I did finish reading Markos' thread (and Prisca's)...and seem to remember that she kicked him out as recently as this past year because of continued AOs. They are still courageously working on their marriage, and are committed to learning and growing. What a couple! They were both a source of wisdom to me regarding my H's abusive behavior...in fact I'm not sure I would have recognized it without their (and lots of other posters') help. Anyhoo - thank you both for reminding me of the facts. It helps to hear it again. 
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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Hello again, LTL! So sorry for your divorce - I read as many of your posts as I could find. Thank you for posting to me over on MB101 - you helped a lot.
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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I went back and read my thread ~ it was very insightful. I'm so glad I put down word-for-word interactions there, helps to see everything in black and white.
Though I'm sad to be on the Divorcing forum, I am relieved to be living safely again. In times of loneliness and doubt, it helps to know that you, my dear friends, have helped me through a very difficult time.
THANK YOU.
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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Do you have a friend outside of this forum to talk to?
xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
Online course July '11 to July '12
17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12
Divorced Jan 21, 2013
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Do you have a friend outside of this forum to talk to? Good question - do I sound desperate? Yes, I have a couple of good friends at work, one very dear. I go to therapy every week and get help processing things, and have a couple of friends from years ago, mostly out of town (college, kids were young, etc). I'm working on branching out and making new friends, but it's not easy between the kids, work, etc. I've joined some meetup groups and am hopeful to meet a friend or two that way.
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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No, no, you don't sound desperate! I was just wondering if you had someone to support you that is more personally accessible to you. I also find this forum of great benefit along with having a female friend whose voice I can hear.
xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
Online course July '11 to July '12
17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12
Divorced Jan 21, 2013
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No, no, you don't sound desperate! I was just wondering if you had someone to support you that is more personally accessible to you. I also find this forum of great benefit along with having a female friend whose voice I can hear. Totally agree.
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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I'm sad that I didn't rate highly enough for him to put in the kind of effort Markos put in with Prisca.
It just hurts. I know exactly where you are coming from! For me, the end of my marriage was a good thing (instant increase in safety, quality of life, etc) so I wasn't anywhere NEAR as sad that we were no longer married as I was that he didn't even care enough about me to TRY. {{{{Zhamila}}}}
"If you will stop feeding your feelings, then they will stop controlling you" -Joyce Meyer
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Z, the road back from domestic violence isn't an easy one. It takes years to earn trust back, yours and your kids'. That he wasn't up to the task isn't a reflection on you or how you rated, even though sometimes it feels like that because of what they said over and over as manipulation. It doesn't make it true. I hope one day when you're ready you will find a man who values you and your kids' and your safety.
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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Remember it's not an issue of how high or low you rate to him.
The issue is that you are a beautiful person, made in the image of God.
You are responsible for your actions. Not his.
His behavior may have nothing to do with how high or low he rates you
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I'm sad that I didn't rate highly enough for him to put in the kind of effort Markos put in with Prisca.
It just hurts. I know exactly where you are coming from! For me, the end of my marriage was a good thing (instant increase in safety, quality of life, etc) so I wasn't anywhere NEAR as sad that we were no longer married as I was that he didn't even care enough about me to TRY. {{{{Zhamila}}}} Thanks Daisy. That's exactly how I feel & I appreciate your encouragement & hugs.
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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Z, the road back from domestic violence isn't an easy one. It takes years to earn trust back, yours and your kids'. That he wasn't up to the task isn't a reflection on you or how you rated, even though sometimes it feels like that because of what they said over and over as manipulation. It doesn't make it true. I hope one day when you're ready you will find a man who values you and your kids' and your safety. Thanks NED! I so appreciate your insight and encouragement. Sorely needed right now
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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Remember it's not an issue of how high or low you rate to him.
The issue is that you are a beautiful person, made in the image of God.
You are responsible for your actions. Not his.
His behavior may have nothing to do with how high or low he rates you Thanks Jedi. From reading a little about your situation, I can tell you understand.
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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So I started the day happy because we'd reached a settlement and could finalize the divorce on Thursday. But he started pushing back on new, random little things. I'm getting really tired. I was so looking forward to being DONE, but I guess I should have tempered my excitement with reality - knowing how he operates. I've already given up so much: Thousands $ equity in my house that isn't really his, 401k money I had a right to - and he's haggling over the last few hundred dollars. I feel sick. I think I'll just sit on the situation, let it ride - see if his lawyer can talk to him. I should have known it was too good to be true. 
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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I just have to remember that this feels like forever, but it'll be over soon. Then I can move on with my life - free, safe and happy.
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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So I started the day happy because we'd reached a settlement and could finalize the divorce on Thursday. But he started pushing back on new, random little things. I'm getting really tired.
( Zhamila you and I were married to the same person. Can I make a suggestion? When this happened to me, I came back with a brand new settlement far more favourable to me and surprised him with it. He quickly signed the one he had been haggling over.
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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