I am very confused and I feel like the waters get cloudier by the minute. I have no idea what to do. Here's a little background info:

My husband and I have had a rocky marriage the past few months due to outside circumstances that came after we moved back to my hometown about 6 months ago. He seemed all excited about the move but I've now learned he has hated every minute of it. We have moved closer to my family. About 3 months after we moved, my mother was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer with a very bad prognosis. I was pregnant with our second child (who is now 5 weeks old) and our first child is now 16 months old. Shortly after Christmas, my mother got very bad and she and my dad moved back in with us. (They were living in a new house they built, we were living in their old house). So now at that point, we are living with my parents and I'm 9 months pregnant.

And here's the part I hate the most. 1 week before I gave birth, I found out by complete accident that my husband was having an affair with a co-worker. I found notes and emails on our Ipad between the two of them. When I found out, he had actually left to go to church with her (which I later put together). I called him and begged him to come home because "something was wrong". He came home and I confronted him. At first he denied, but then eventually came clean. In the 5 weeks since then, I've had every emotion in the book. I wanted to kick him out initially, but then just wanted him to stay so we could begin repairing our marriage. He initially said he was sorry and agreed to make every compromise that I asked of him. Since then, there have been no compromises. He has moved out (and now lives 3 miles away from OW). He says that one day he wants a divorce, the next day he doesn't. He also says the affair is over and they do not communicate outside of work anymore. However, all signs point to the affair still going on.

We started marriage counseling last Thursday with a guy who is working us through the concepts on this website and in the books.

Husband knows I want very badly to work things out, as I still love him like crazy. But, he has moved almost an hour away and is very close to the OW (they both work in the town they live in, as H was commuting). The times we are together the communication is strained and he doesn't even want to hug me. I do not know how to handle him just abandoning me and and the kids. I don't believe the affair is over and I do not know how to move forward with saving our marriage.

HELP! Any advice?!? I'm driving myself crazy and crying uncontrollably most of the day, unless I'm mad at him for the way he's acting. I just do not know what my next step should be!

By the way, we've been married 5 years and are both in early 30s. The other woman is in her mid 40s! She is married to a music minister and they have 3 kids! OH MY!

I'm very sorry about what has brought you here. Please listen to the good advice/guidance of the veterans here, it will help you tremendously! I wish you the best

jwb,

You have come to the right place. Take a deep breath, go to the Start here thread and read everything you find there. The veterans will be here shortly to help you. Also, read the Operation investigate forum to begin learning how to gather information on the Affair (A).

DO NOT mention to your H that you are here. You need to work in secret right now until you have the information to end the A.

My advise to a pregnant BW posting on MB becomes very protective of mom and her unborn. You & your baby take priority over everything else. That is my perspective. Just so you know upfront.

1. Your OB needs to know what is going on.
2. Everyone else needs to know about the affair. Names. Places. Everyone.
3. You need to see an attorney to learn how to secure child support and maintain your health insurance ... Today, now.
4. You need to get ahold of any/all finances available, NOW.

*** DO NOT TRUST YOUR WH TO DO THE RIGHT THING ***

Do NOT tell your WH about Marriage Builders at this time. Or any time soon.


Call the pastor at this church right away. Today. Tell the pastor your name, your WH's name, and tell him that your H is CURRENTLY having a sexual and emotional adulterous affair with (name her). Tell the pastor you are pregnant.

Drop the bomb on OW's church.

Keep posting.

Do not skip over *** THIS IMPORTANT FIRST STEP *** <~~~ Be sure to read all the links. Ask questions when they arise.

If you can find out how to contact OW's husband, do that.
Tell him YOURSELF about the affair.
OW will try to say you are a crazy person who is imagining things.
Do all of this without warning.

Ok Yall are wonderful. I have instantly been relieved of feeling somewhat like a crazy lady. I have contacted the OW's husband via facebook, as I couldn't get phone number. He never replied.

I have seen an attorney (last week) and child support/custody would be a breeze according to attorney.

I have told our friends and immediate family members and have asked for their help and support.

I guess what I really need to know is how do I proceed since I believe the affair is still going on. We have 2 very young kids that he is somewhat interested in visiting. Do we try to spend time together? Do I trust him with the kids? Do I still continue to ask him questions and tell him I don't believe the affair has ended? There are so many questions that arise during the day! I just don't want to do the complete wrong thing but at the same time I don't want to be walked over while he's still seeing OW. I just don't have any definite evidence bc he has moved out and changed all passwords, etc.

Also, the OW doesn't go to the same church her husband works at. So would I still contact the OW's church and her husband's church?

Because the kids are so little, I think WH can visit them in your presence. How you do that is up to you.


No. Waste of time. Assume the A is ongoing.


If he had ended the A, he would NOT have moved out.
Trust us on this one.

Call the church. Both churches.

Thank you!

So I also wonder how I should act around WH. Of course I want to give him my best attitude possible (while secretly wanting to scream) but should I keep pushing for some alone time? So far we've only seen each other in the presence of our babies. And should I continue to ask questions and pry? Or should I leave that to a certain day/time and just try to be happy around him?

You should be nice to him for 2 weeks. This is called plan A.
Dress nice, wear perfume, make up etc.
Do not make any disrespectful judgements or angry outbursts.
You want to make a GREAT impression for 2 weeks.

During this time secretly meet with an attorney and prepare to file for support and whatever else the attorney recommends.
Two weeks from now, you will enter into plan B.

In the meantime please read Surviving an Affair by Dr Willard Harley

You need to expose this affair to everyone by end of day tomorrow.
ESPECIALLY the employer.
Read the Exposure 101 thread.

I'm not going to lie. I'm scared to death to expose this to the employer. They are both middle school teachers!!! But, I'm a teacher too and know that gossip about affairs spreads quickly and everyone is probably talking about it behind their backs (since Husband says no one else knows). I have read all about exposure but am concerned about how it will affect our finances since we need his income and he needs to be able to get a job if he loses this one. I'm not scared that the exposure will keep us from saving our marriage because I think that eventually he will see the light. Just really concerned about finances.

I am about halfway through Surviving an Affair. Our marriage counselor recommended we read it last week. Of course, he probably won't read it but I feel like it was written just for me! And I think it would enlighten him, too!

jwb,

I know this may sound harsh, but finances must come second to saving the marriage. Without exposure, he cannot end the A and your pain will be drawn out for much longer than it should be.

He will get around to reading the book once he sees some light. He may not read it until he goes through withdrawal though.

We are all here praying with & for you.

Did You get a hold of the OW's Husband, yet?

Other than the messages he didn't respond to on Facebook...no. Should I attempt again? Send my phone no??

I'm so sorry for the reason you are here. (((hugs)))

You are in good hands. Please follow the advice given, it is your best chance at saving this.

You need to call OW H as quickly as possible. Have evidence ready to email so there is no denying it. If OW gets wind that you are exposing she will tell everyone that you are a crazy Bxxch. I have seen it happen too many times.

Call his employer, call his friends, call anyone who might have his number. YOU need to talk to him today!

Keep us updated, you are doing great!

Very strange that I was drawn to your posts and as soon as you said they worked together I was waiting for someone to tell you to EXPOSE to the workplace. I was even more shocked when you said that you are all teachers.

I am a teacher and my A started at the workplace with another teacher. I know you are scared to EXPOSE, but you need too!! Yes, you are correct, your H and this women are probably so foggy that they don't see what other people see. People probably already know.

In addition, I pride myself in being a dedicated and good teacher. I can honestly say that last year, I was the worst teacher ever b/c I was consumed with my A and AP.

My AP's wife exposed us to the Principal and Super Attendant of my school. We both were suspended, they had to investigate and he was moved to a different school. I almost lost my job but guess what....I deserved it!!!! My actions are what got me into that situation. On another thought, if your H is going to recover, there is no way that they can continue to work together....ever!!

Just another thought I had is that your H was probably so upset by the move because he had to move away from HER! How long have they worked together? Do you know how long this affair has been going on?

Something about Facebook that many people don't know is that there is an "Other" inbox designed to recieve mail that might be spam and most typically messages from people not on your friends list. I don't think you can access it from the phone but you CAN access it from a computer. The OW's BS may not have even seen it. You should check his churches website to see if their is a direct way to contact him.

Expose, don't think twice.
I am pretty sure, people at school already know or suspect.

My H is in affair with a mother from our DD school.
When I was exposing to other mothers they told me they already knew, and thought I knew too!!!!
My WH and OW's behaviour gave it away, it is actually easy to spot two people in HEAT!!!! And waywards are brainless while in A, so don't think they can hide it that well.