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awesome thanks, im incorporating that right now
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Did you read that FR thread? As a BS I would be very happy if my WW would agree to recover. The emotional high from it will probably lower my bar and skew my judgment. I believe that is the case with you. Set the EPs up emphasis on extraordinary. Set up, for lack of a better word, punishments if she breaks those boundaries. Don't let your emotions let crap slide by be firm, gentle, and unwavering in your EPs. Also, follow the same EPs you set up for her. If you have Facebook delete yours, get the gist. You can do this!
Last edited by TranquilDark; 03/06/13 01:37 PM.
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i am reading it now, almost through. i feel for everyone there  i dont want that to happen to me. question please, if WW breaks NC or other EP, should i inform the same people who got the initial exposure message?
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I never been through recovery but I would and I wouldn't let her stay in the marital home if she did. You have SAA what does it say?
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I have it but its not with me at the moment.
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i am reading it now, almost through. i feel for everyone there i dont want that to happen to me. question please, if WW breaks NC or other EP, should i inform the same people who got the initial exposure message? IMO, this is putting the cart before the horse. I wouldn't worry about that until if/when you cross that bridge. The most important thing is that you have boundaries, she clearly understands them and you have a PLAN to deal with your R and breach of NC or EP's that is non-negotiable.
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Here is the deal.
By growing a strong backbone and standing up for yourself, she will respect you for it.
She might decide she can't follow the MB rules. And that is her choice.
She has lost her respect for you and by standing up in this way, she will respect you more. NO woman respects a man she can walk all over.
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Did you read that FR thread? As a BS I would be very happy if my WW would agree to recover. The emotional high from it will probably lower my bar and skew my judgment. I believe that is the case with you. Set the EPs up emphasis on extraordinary. Set up, for lack of a better word, punishments if she breaks those boundaries. Don't let your emotions let crap slide by be firm, gentle, and unwavering in your EPs. Also, follow the same EPs you set up for her. If you have Facebook delete yours, get the gist. You can do this! Exactly. Let her know the rules apply to both of you. Remember, Win-Win. Not Win-Lose.
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FB was not even an issue in my A but last month H asked me to get rid of it. He said that even though it was not connected that he felt it was a trigger and did not trust it.
The next day I got rid of my account... immediately!!!! I am by far no saint and have made a million mistakes, but like 20 Years I want to eliminate any extra bumps in the road to recovery.
20 Years prior post is perfect!! Make it clear to your wife what you want and what will happen if she does not follow your EN's and EP's...AND MEAN IT!!
Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11
Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
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Did you read that FR thread? As a BS I would be very happy if my WW would agree to recover. The emotional high from it will probably lower my bar and skew my judgment. I believe that is the case with you. Set the EPs up emphasis on extraordinary. Set up, for lack of a better word, punishments if she breaks those boundaries. Don't let your emotions let crap slide by be firm, gentle, and unwavering in your EPs. Also, follow the same EPs you set up for her. If you have Facebook delete yours, get the gist. You can do this! what are appropriate? all ive read so far is, 'i wont go any farther in this M', sort of a catch-all for breaking any of the EPs. is that the only appropriate punishment? what im getting is- 1. establish EPs 2. WW says 'no' to any/all 3. initiate separation proceedings is this right
Last edited by SadButTrue2; 03/06/13 04:26 PM.
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i am reading it now, almost through. i feel for everyone there i dont want that to happen to me. question please, if WW breaks NC or other EP, should i inform the same people who got the initial exposure message? IMO, this is putting the cart before the horse. I wouldn't worry about that until if/when you cross that bridge. The most important thing is that you have boundaries, she clearly understands them and you have a PLAN to deal with your R and breach of NC or EP's that is non-negotiable. Hint: your boundary is that you will not continue with the marriage if she breaks NC. Don't settle for less.
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thanks. thats pretty clear  but how do you square that with this statement from Dr Harley? If you slip, and contact your lover in spite of the extraordinary precautions you take, tell you husband about it immediately. Then, improve your extraordinary precautions to include the condition that caused the slip. Keep improving them until it becomes virtually impossible for you to contact your lover. A slip will set you back emotionally, but it does not mean that your recovery plan has been ruined. It simply needs an upgrade. what about "no friends of opposite sex?" things like that? same punishment?
Last edited by SadButTrue2; 03/06/13 04:56 PM.
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It's your recovery if you want to allow slips you can but at the same time if nothing is done if she slips what's supposed to keep her accountable? Words? Angry outbursts? Look at it like this. Your telling her to NC as a condition of your love for her. If she breaks it she doesn't respect you and isn't serious about developing a mutual fulfilling passionate marriage. Read about Dr. H's thoughts on unconditional love. In your case it should be her telling you that POSOM contacted her not vice versa.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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