No "no contact letter" = big red flag! This is the very first step of recovery! If he is unwilling to do it then he is NOT serious and still putting OP's feelings above yours.

Does your BIL and others that are her Facebook friends know about the affair? If so, and they are still "friends" with her, then I would block them from your sight. If they don't, expose to them right away!

A truly repentant WS will be willing to do anything, no matter how unnecessary they think it is, to recover the marriage. As RQ says, this is a big .

When WW and I put the EP list together, one of the items was deleting/deactivating facebook. She complained quite a bit but relented and did it. It's a big iinconvenience for her since that is how she kept in touch with a lot of old friends but when I asked her if they were more important than our marriage she said no and deleted her profile. Without telling her beforehand, I deleted mine the next day. That was a major LB deposit that she wasn't expecting.

If you are putting EPs together, consider getting off of FB too. It may free up a lot of time for UA as it has for us.

No. You are not 'bothered', you have real concerns because there are real threats against your marriage.
The most important & dangerous threat is your husband's attitude. By far, his attitude is more dangerous than the crazy OW on FB.

Do you have snooping methods in place?

What conditions have you given him?

Recovery from an Affair
Managing Memories and Dealing with Triggers

Right now my conditions are
deleting/blocking her from facebook.
giving me access to online phone records
Open access to his phone and facebook
letting me know all his plans and who he is going with and if I don't approve its a no go
Writing the no contact letter

He has only done a few so far. Im hoping that when he reads the book it will give him a better perspective.

I did end up telling him my concerns about the facebook issues with BIL and his first response was that he would call him and ask him to delete and block her. Some progress...

Usually and given that your WH is a serial cheater, I would advise you to cut your losses unless WH is proactive and pulls out all the stops in R..with no whining. He has a horrible track record and is high risk.

Welcome to MB.

M2B3,

You have many complex issues here. Dr Harley frequently addresses situations with couples that live together prior to M and serial cheaters on his daily radio program.

Do you listen to it?

I would encouage you to email the show. This is something that has to be dealt with on may layers WAY above my head. I have heard his recommendations to others with similar situations and it is challenging at best.

He has a very specific plan in SAA which works everytime is followed. However in your case, you may be fighting a losing battle.

Today - - I would also encourage you to read Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders. He discusses the basic ideas of it on this site (just look for it, don't have link) but also has a book by the same name.


It will be very eye opening to you.

Tell us what you think.

Radio Clip
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

Thanks for the radio clips. I will start listening.

Having another tough day with triggers. OW has a friend of hers messaging me on Facebook telling me they are still talking, very much in love and that she is not going anywhere. Talking about the lovemaking and their love and bond. Just stupid. I GET what they are trying to do, to tear us apart...but its upsetting me. I sent him copies but he is at work...i cant exactly delete my facebook because my business depends on it. Feeling frustrated.

Make sure you keep these messages or any other A related evidence...it tends to come in handy later...for a variety of reasons.

I will thanks!

I'm sorry, m2, but what makes you think that this isn't true? If you think "they" are trying to tear you and your H apart, then you must think they are making this up. But from your H's history, and especially since he has lied to you about this woman, it's very likely to be true.

I did read your thread but cannot remember: are you spying on your H?

Mommy, I'm not seeing where you have given him a solid list of EPs that you are actually standing firm about. Look at what you've got:
This can be undone in a heartbeat. A better EP is for him to deactivate his FB account. If he simply can't go a whole day without posting what he had for lunch, you should require a joint FB account, with a loving profile picture of both of you. Meanwhile, you need to slap a keylogger on his computer to confirm that he hasn't set up a secret account.
This is good. But you also need backup methods to check on him. Realize that he can always get a pay-as-you-go phone to avoid detection on a phone.
I've addressed this already. Good. Also require him to take a picture of the friends he's with and the place he's at to confirm that he's where he says he is. This should be an 'on demand' rule, as in, you can call or text him at any time he is away from you and ask for a picture. He is to respond immediately. "My phone was on mute" is not an excuse. This should be step No. 1. But this isn't going to do much good if you don't put other precautions in place. For example, why has he not changed his cell phone number?

I am also alarmed about the whole business of the two of you dating other people while you are married. WHAT?? You are MARRIED until you are DIVORCED. It's pretty simple.

M, I don't have a lot of time on the board but your thread concerned me terribly. Dr Harley would tell you not to give him the time of day UNTIL he makes radical, demonstrative, 180 degree changes to protect you from another affair. He has not stopped his affair with the OW and obviously has no such intention.

Your husband does not need to go off and read a book. He needs to implement EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS today. He needs to end his affair TODAY or you should separate and go into plan B. The OWs friend has informed you the affair is still on. And you know your husband is not serious. He should not ever be allowed back unless and until he is serious. I doubt that will ever happen.

Why are you not upset at your husband and his ho for having the affair? Are you under the illusion your husband is innocent?

The biggest reason your husband is a playah is because he has NEVER been held accountable.

I AM upset. But spending the day crying isn't going to fix it. The only reason I question it is because she lives in a seperate state and her tactics remind me of something I would have done in high school for revenge...

What are the best snooping devices for an iphone? Part of me wonders if it is even worth it. We have 3 young kids but im starting to feel he is a waste of my time and energy

HOPE is not a plan. Recovery does not ever happen by accident.