she is blocked from facebook.
Hard to block everyone we know in common.

I want her to change her address.
I asked her, She does not.
so legally she is still allowed in my home.

Only she can change the address or I have to have a very good reason to do so.

Trafficking is a damn good reason.

doing this will look and feel like revenge to everyone incl. Myself...

On the other hand it is good boundary control towards myself.

back from Thailand, a return to an empty home...
But I can feel the air as cleared!

My best friend's house is ready and he moved out in the meanwhile. He repainted my room and bathroom though, which was an excellent idea as this place has something new to it now.

My first day at work today, received a 'friend request' from ex today... Ah, she is still in Oz with POSOM: ignore.

My predictions are right once again: She has been 2 weeks without her enabling friends, which is about the time she needs to get homesick abroad. Apparently, POSOM cannot fulfill all her needs, even when he is with her 24/7...

Next prediction: she will return next week in the middle of winter, no home, out of money and no more holidays left this year... CRACK goes the fantasy bubble!

Expecting a pathetic reconsiliation attempt soon after that.
Bet you it will be full on FOGBabble...

I gave her a condition for communication in my plan B letter, which I do not expect is gonna happen, so I remain in plan B.

I do need a plan once I go out in the weekends as I am bound to run into her... or her friends.

Not sure how to handle that...

My plan if I run into my ex is to RUN !

My brother met my ex. I am still NC since dunno when.
Said she is still in complete denial & is changing history.
Said she "left" me because I did not want to have kids soon!!!
Aussie POSOM is coming to live here & will look for a job.

Staggering!

As for my life:
Social agenda is getting packed.
I am having my living room repainted/refurnished.
My customer/employer wants to hire me long term.
Feeling great, able to hold some of that holiday energy; having an occassional relapse now & then ofcourse.

Came to the conclussion that my 10yr younger "project-friend" (since 5 years) is meeting a LOT of my needs since I came back from Thailand & I am responding to that:

She has been a most caring friend since the affair & has taken up to role as intermediary with my ex aswell. She opened up completely on the child abuse she had to suffer & as a result we are really growing closer emotionally.

She had exams and I made her dinner a couple of times while she was studying (she passed). Learned her to make some Thai dishes & boy did she strike a snare when I caught her admiring me...

This weekend she asked me if I would accompany her to Thailand when she graduates next year and this made me come to the conclussion we are maybe meeting too much of each others needs to be healthy... She has a boyfriend her age since the last 3 years which she sees in the weekends, but he is not able to travel because of his job...

Maybe it is time for me to slowly start dating women?

Yea. Men and women can't be just friends.

I believe men and women can be friends but there is no 'just'... boundaries have to be in place.

After the breakup, my projectfriend said: 'Our friendship was completely different when you were in your relationship' and I explained I would not allow my needs to be fulfilled by another women when being in a relationship. That it is a boundary thing.

I know I am a role-model to this girl since she was 20 and ran away from home. I cannot allow myself to get romanticly involved.
But she IS filling my lovebank at the moment and she is not even aware she is doing it.

I have my doubts this is such a good evolution -and please feel free to critise me here- but having a lot of my needs met by a female friend, makes me feel a lot better in this post-betrayal phase.

It helps me to have better boundaries around single women who could be a potential love interest: I do not get attracted right away if they hit one of my buttons as I am not that needy...

Your thoughts?

I can see how this makes you feel better; she is filling a void for you. But she is not relationship material so where are you going with this? Would you not be better off putting your efforts into thinking about what would constitute a healthy relationship for you?

Things I wish I had done but didn't:

List and rank your top emotional needs
Make a list of the red flags you ignored in previous relationships.
Ask yourself why you ignored them.

Hi Living Well,
Do not get me wrong: I have been doing what you suggest since I found this site...
Thing is: I absolutly have no idea what my emotional needs are and how to rank them from important to less important.
Now that my young friend is filling the void & pressing my buttons, I am slowly discovering what I need:

Admiration is definitly a high-ranked need she is meeting,
well above recreational activity & conversation she is providing...I am the eldest brother of 3, so I guess admiration is my built-in signal/reward I am doing a good job providing/caring.

Hey GM!
I think dating is how to learn more about what your EN's are. And what you find attractive in another person.

The trick, I believe, is to just date and not get all caught up emotionally in each woman. That's hard because you are used to a long term relationship.

I think Dr. H would say to start dating when you feel ready [remember, he also doesn't consider what you went through to be "adultery" since you were not married]. But keep in mind your vulnerability (which I think you are experiencing with the young lady you are spending time with now- if I read your post correctly).

And keeping your boundaries in place while dating will ultimately yield better results in terms of your own introspection.

-just some thoughts

opt

you are right optimism, I am still vulnerable.
but my young friend is not a threat to my healing nor is she a suitable partner for a 35 year old.

My relationship with my projectfriend is quite complex it seems.
I had a talk about it this night with two dear psychologist friends.

They said my projectfriend needs to control her boyfriend out of fear of rejection. She does not fear rejection by me as I am the only person that never rejected her; so she freely caters my needs without fear because that is what she actually wants and needs at the moment.

I am still trying to wrap my mind around this, feel free to comment/critise. :-)

Why have a woman with baggage?
A big piece of baggage is a boyfriend.
Why be complicated?

In the 5 years I've know her our relation was never complicated.
She has always been like a little sister to me.
I never considered her as a potential partner, I still don't.
And I am sure that feeling is mutual.

I do think it's safe to be vulnerable with her.

Went dancing tonight.

Met a 30-something women on the dancefloor.
Something about her.
Started to dance with her.
Funny, her game was to ignore/reject me while dancing but she just came a little to close everytime we exchanged glances.

We started talking (french, not my mothertongue )
Same game, attraction/rejection; test if I would step away or stay and try another question.
When I did, she finished my question in my mothertongue. (nice)

This dating stuff is going to be a lot harder than I expected.

lesson learned: ignore initial rejection.
It is a sign she has boundaries and is not willing to let any sucker cross them.
cool actually.

Well I got her name and she is comming over to the next dance in 3 months.

Damn I still have a lot to learn I guess.

Nice story, dating is not embedded in every culture. We do not do much of that in England either. But it is a great way to find out what your emotional needs are. Keep up the good work!

I realise that multi-dating, opposed to the USA, is mainly a no-no here on the continent (only allowed for internet dating). It's ok to "hang out" with multiple ppl at the same time but once you connect, things have to move fast to exclusivity or you are considered 'to be leading on' a women(or just not interested enough). When I ask my female friends about it, most women want to be swept of their feet -sort of speak- instead of becoming friends first. "Chemistry" instead of "compatibility" is the norm to go by.

This 30 date thing is going to be hard to translate to "European".

That's great that you speak another language.
That should be attractive to any woman

Besides my mothertongue i speak 2 other languages fluently and can understand 2 more... does not make an impression on women here:
'So you paid attention in high-school? Good for you!' :-)

I am pretty sure French would be an asset in the US when dating, as it is supposed to be the language of love over there ;-)

I am trying this 30-date thing... without going native.
Arranged dates with 5 women, one I met recently others I have known superficialy for years. Asking women on a date when you are 35 seems a lot easier than what I remember actually. Facebook helps a lot!

Have thrown in 2 women who have shown interest but of which I already know they are not relationship material; but I have to start somewhere... I will call this my "control group".

- 25, model, stunningly beautiful ***EDIT*** who fits all criteria for a histrionic personality disorder. Yet we share a lot of recreational activities, bump into each other everywhere & she is fun to hang around. (if she is not your object of affection probably)

- 31, refugee worker, intelligent with a "buyer"-mentality and a set of very strong boundaries. Known her for years as she is a collegue of one of my best friends. Problem is her boundaries are so tight I actually have to be careful what I say or she will be on the electric fence. ;-)
She never had a serious relationship before.

- 31, PhD student whome I met in Thailand & spend 4 days with discovering deserted beaches. Beautiful, intelligent and has two feet on the ground. Has been single for a year after she broke up her 5 year relationship for good reasons. Looking forward to this date.

- 30, succesful interior designer. Worked with her brother years ago. Beautiful, intelligent self-made women with two feet on the ground. Does not know what she is looking for in a man. Said her last relationship was a 1 year "project" that ended terribly. Sounds familiar.

- 29, journalist/writer. Friend of a girl a dated a long time ago. Ambitious, intelligent, beautiful & all-over-the-place with a set of boundaries. Has a long history of dating and disappointment.

I think I will need to journalise these dates afterwards as I never dated several women before.

Any tips?

So why are you going out with anyone who you already know isn't going to work?

Couple of reasons:

Contrast effect and to learn what my emotional needs are.
Because they will introduce me to more women.
(will need more dates if I were to date 30 women as suggested)
I have enough time to kill, why not go out.
:-)