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I attended weekly alanon meetings for about a year but have not gone for about a year now. Mostly because schedule didnt work. Ill try going back.

Ill do this.

Ill send an email.

I honestly don't see how there is any recovery anymore. She's had multiple As, is trying to drive me out if our kids lives, doesn't think she has an alcohol problem and is extremely angry towards me...and blames me for all of it including the As. I'd love for there to be some hope but I don't see it now. Even after going dark.

Well in AlAnon they would say "that's the disease talking and acting" when she does that.

Yes. I believe almost everything that has happened in the last few years is tied to drugs and alcohol. The mood swings, violence, other men, hostility towards me, etc. That makes this even harder for me to deal with because I hold out hope that "if she could just stop" maybe things could change for the better. I've actually had thoughts that maybe if I would drink with her maybe she wouldn't be so hostile towards me. I haven't and won't but the thought has occurred to me.

Almost all addicts eventually cheat. Their behavior and the choices they make to continue their addiction(s) end up causing so many problems. They can't deal with or face the problems, so they continue to escape with their addiction(s). We see how their choices and behaviors are destroying everyone that loves them, but they are in a denial, fantasy fog and are just aliens. You don't want to go down that road of drinking or not facing and dealing with problems. It never helps, does it? Like they say here, "Hope is not a plan." You can't control her into making any decision she doesn't want to make. So, that means you can only control the choices you make to move forward. It is you and the kids now. Begin your own traditions and go down your own road. Give them the love, acceptance and security they need. You are their rock now. You are doing so well. I am sorry that you are having to go through this hardship. You WILL be stronger for having made it to the other side. "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!"

Thanks. I know not to start drinking with her. I do, however, raise it as an example of how sick these situations can become. I didn't grow up around nor know any alcoholics yet the thought has occurred to me that I may be able to relate better to my wife if I don't appear to be the one threatening her drinking and actually were to join her on occasion. Ill nebr do that but I think you get the point. Because of my stance on drinking, from her perspective, I'm the enemy, therefore she's going to hurt me as much as possible.

I'm trying to be there for my kids. I hope the judge sees what I see and she doesn't succeed in ripping our kids from their father.

I understand what you mean by how sick these situations become.
AlAnon teaches that our thinking actually becomes insane when living with an active alcoholic.

Remember even If she wins this round it is important that you remain a rock for your kids.
She has a progressive disease and she WILL get worse.
Custody can be changed based on such circumstances

Exactly. Write down everything she does (as it relates to kids and custody) and at some point you will be able to wrangle more from her.

"Insane" = doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Yes. I think about this often. I go through waves of being very angry and hating her for all she has done. Drugs, alcohol, numerous other men, constant lying, driving a wedge between me and the kids, misrepresenting everything in court to make me appear to be the bad guy, and on and on. I don't know why I want a relationship with her. Except that I made that commitment when I married her...that I would stick with her no matter how bad things might get. I believe in that and it pulls me back from the anger. But, unfortunately, nothing changes, as you said.

If you are speaking of "unconditional love," let me point out that Dr. H holds this as extremely destructive to relationships/marriages. It was mentioned on yet another radio show just last week.
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Here.
What's Wrong with Unconditional Love Part 1
What's Wrong with Unconditional Love Part 2

Some good clips on unconditional love.

Radio Clip on Unconditional Love
Radio Clip on Unconditional Love

Nothing changes because you do not understand that you need to change yourself.
You keep waiting for the drunk to grow & learn.
That IS insane.

I'm not speaking of unconditional love. I don't love who she has become. I do love certain things about her. I'm speaking about a commitment to another person to work through things together...eventually to restore love. I guess I'm saying I don't believe divorce is the answer. But that's not my choice. She chose this path.

But you can't work through things when a disease controls her

Okay, I'm with you.
So we're back to Plan B/Legal Separation prior to divorce. This way you have a chance to restore the love in your marriage (through the commitment you made to her - through sickness and health).
The plan is all here. Dr. Harley's plans and MB has saved marriages in worse shape than yours.
See what they say -- write to the program today.

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