BS3, I am sorry that you have found your way to MB. Now that you are here, understand that recovery will take life changes from both you and H.

First, let me say that NC means NC for both of you. If you are at the same gym, then what are the chances of you running into OW? This is important because it WILL trigger you and set your recovery back to day 1 in a matter of seconds. My suggestion is for both of you to leave that gym. My W and I do P90X at home and avoid the gyn altogether. Have you thought about something like that? He could be your personal trainer, it could add some great UA time and who knows what else.

Also, to be clear, H is going to withdraw from this. During that time, there may/will be contact between H and OW. Get that in your head now so when it happens, you'll be ready for it. If this PA carried on for 2 years, he's addicted to her. Period. He does not want to leave her no matter what he says. Guilt, shame, depression are all signs of withdrawal. Watch for it and let him go through it. He needs that to get her out of his system. Remember, this is not much different than a crack addiction. He has lied, cheated his way thru 2 years of this and he wont quit lightly. This is why its important for YOU to take control of setting EPs, monitoring his behavior and protecting yourself. He cannnot be trusted to have your best interests ini his mind until he fully withdraws.

Remember also that EPs are YOUR boundaries. These are the conditions that you are willing to continue in the marriage. They are not control points where you are trying to change his behavior. That's his job.

Lastly, tell the kids. They will help hold H accountable. Yes, it's going to hurt, thats a consequence of H's behavior and he neds to own that.

So when will he be leaving this job?


Is divorce one of your emotional needs? You are headed towards divorce right now. If FS is one of your EN's, then your plan will not get you there. So your choices are not between financial security and financial insecurity but divorce or marriage. Your marriage can never recover as long as he goes to work with the OW every day. He has an opportunity to go see her EVERY DAY. That makes recovery impossible.

As long as your H is still free to cat around at the gym, the risk of a resumed affair or a new one is great. A serial cheater should NEVER be a personal trainer of women. That occupation is fraught with affairs.

My friend, your husband is a serial cheater. He has an exceptionally high bar to meet. And he has not even taken STEP ONE. You can't even move on until that happens.

By putting money, your home, your children's schools BEFORE your marriage, you are making it impossible to save your marriage. You will lose the money, your nice home, marriage, your children's schools and full custody of your children in a divorce. That is where your plan is taking you.


But how? There is no plan here. As long as he works with the OW you can't even BEGIN recovery. We want to help you, but I get the feeling you believe all these window dressing efforts [endless counseling, etc] will recover your marriage. It will not. It is all a distraction from saving your marriage.

Please listen to us and make a plan for your husband to get out of there and get into a career where he is not tempted to have affairs. WE are on your side! Maybe buy a business you can operate together; where you are together 24/7. But he should not be a personal trainer, that much is for sure. With his serial cheating history, he needs to be in an occupation where it would be impossible for him to cheat. I would think on that.

It will take a dramatic, radical 180 degree change in his lifestyle to affair proof your marriage. Your H cheats as a way of life and unless those bad habits are changed, you are headed to divorce.

Hello BS.

Let me be your cautionary tale about the dangers of OW and WH continuing to work at the same place. That is EXACTLY what my WH tried. And I bought the story that he was working to get a transfer, but his high-paying job running a billion-dollar project would require a few months to get out of. And, we had to move, not just across the continent, but to another country, which would require time. He PROMISED there would be no non-business contact.

Well, the whole thing ended up taking 6 months, and the "business-only" contact lasted all of two days before WH jumped off the wagon. In all, the A lasted 11 months, 6 months longer than it should have. Even after we finally, FINALLY moved, WH and OW continued contact. If you think your initial D-Day was painful, you don't want to even know what an affair-gone-underground, FR feels like! And it was exponentially more difficult for WH to extricate himself after another 6 months underground.

Not only that, but here we are 7 MONTHS after D-Day 2, and OW STILL is trying to stay in contact w/ WH. Thankfully, WH no longer wants to ever see OW again, though that took many months of extensive counseling w/ Steve Harley to accomplish.

I see huge red flags throughout your posts. Your story is so similar to mine, including that you seem to be believing your WH has a handle on his emotions/impulses, and that he is not lying to you.

Read my thread, if you want. Then follow EXACTLY what the vets are telling you to do. DON'T follow in my footsteps, whatever you do. On top of everything, I am now also dealing with the guilt of knowing I COULD HAVE avoided all this if I had just followed the MB path, and the good advice I got from the veterans here.

Yeah, there are reasons why the path and required steps seem impractical/ unreasonable/unworkable in your particular circumstance. But in the end, you will have either the results you want (by following the path), or your reasons why not.

She needs to also read some threads on the pregnancy forum because the longer he is in touch with the OW, the greater the risk of getting her pregnant. Many OW actively *TRY* to get pregnant as a way to lure the H away from his family.

Think that is an extreme hypothetical? Just go read the thousands of such cases over on the Pregnancy forum.

And catwhit, I still chuckle when I see you talk about "business contact." That is like the alcoholic changing the name of his drinks to "business drinks" and pretending to be sober. Gee, why is he still falling down drunk??

BS3, Melody is right. My WW became pregnant. This is how I found out about the A. I took her to the hospital while she was miscarrying the baby...

PLEASE follow the advice of the vets here.

I have read your thread and I do see the similarities. What techniques did you have in place to see that there was no contact is there anything else I can do in the interm?

H read this thread last night as well.

As for pregnancy, H was fixed after our second child. So no threat there. Not sure if that is a relief or not, just one more thing that allowed him to have A.

Another wrench in the gears. My father is arriving today to stay for a few weeks over the break. i am happy he is coming. H is nervous and rightfully so. Both kids birthday fall on this week as well. No bearing on anything really just some added stress.

So you are sacrificing your marriage so you can work out at a damn gym? OMG. I don't even know what to say about that.

Ask him to resign, BS3. I would get him out of there asap. That is STEP ONE.

Did you listen to this radio clip where Dr Harley, who has been doing this for 40 years, tells a betrayed husband that "recovery is impossible" as long as his wife works in the same place as the OM?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=652#

I have been on this board for 12 years, and there is not one marriage that recovered while the WS was still in contact with the OP. Not one. But I can point to an untold number of resumed affairs.

BS3, her point is that they WERE in contact during that time. The whole time. Your H is free to contact her every day he goes to that gym.

oh dear .....

The following is what he is 'working out' with the therapist .... Together they are "why shopping". They are working to discover some comfortable justification for his adultery. The chosen justification will have YOUR NAME written all over it. Or, alternatively, his parents/upbringing will be to blame. Then, at the end of his search for the 'great why' .... WH will feel vindicated that he had no other reasonable choice than to have sex with OW. WH's ghastly lack of integrity will never be mentioned.

We know why.
Waywards function with a concoction of selfish entitled laziness. They invent new falsified names for this while in therapy searching for "why"......

Dr Harley knows "why". When proper marital boundaries are not in place, a married man or a married woman might permit a non-spouse person(s) to meet a few important intimate emotional needs. Then the soon-to-be adulterer will feel LOVE BANK DEPOSITS for the other person. The adulterous always will say they do not know WHY "this happened". Or, they will say "It just happened." Or, "We never meant for this to happen.". We've heard it all. They are like puppets all reading from the same foggy script.

I try to advise the BS not to ask the wayward "Why?" or "How could you?". They never have an answer that makes sense. In other words, they don't know why. They do know it's NOT THEIR FAULT !!!! Waywards have a huge lack of understanding of the dynamics of adultery.

Melody is right, BS3. You have to focus on getting him out of there. There are not fences strong enough, nor methods stringent enough to keep waywards apart if that is their choice. And even if he doesn't actually see her at work or at the gym, those places will trigger his memories of her. Which increases her balance in his LB$. So you are playing Russian Roulette with your marriage every time he goes to either place. With five bullets in the chambers. And reloading every time.

Not only that but you yourself will always wonder, " Is this the day...?" YOU can't get on with healing while you are in the h3ll of limbo. Hovering in limbo is very difficult. The necessity of stuffing down your emotional reactions during this time is a nervous-breakdown cocktail. The worst stress we humans endure is NOT with the big top-echelon jobs, but with those where there is limited or no ability to affect the outcome. So YOUR position, BS3, wondering what is going on at work or the gym every day, is much more stressful than his.

Do whatever is necessary to get him away now. YES it will require big sacrifices, and changes for your entire family. But in the end, you might still HAVE a family.

I would strongly encourage you to have him get a polygraph.

Three affairs don't just happen by accident, BS37. He was actively making this happen, and the only way I would believe that you have the full truth about his SSL (secret second life, which it sounds like he has had most of your M) is by having him take a poly.

Sorry you are here.

The reason that your WH keeps on having affairs is because he refuses to close his LB$ to members of the opposite sex. Why? Because it feels really good for him to get attention and have his needs met by other women.

After three (?) affairs, what he should do, rather than waste time in therapy while your M and family are on life support, is create a lifestyle in which cheating would be virtually impossible.

I can't imagine what is going through their heads. 16 and 14???

My children were 15 and 8 at the time I exposed to them. They were very well aware that something was wrong, they just didn't know what.

Not only did exposing let them know that the source of the tension and problems had NOTHING to do with them (something that children do frequently with M problems, blame themselves) but it taught them that they could trust that I would be honest with them.

My xWH told me the same thing with OW1 -- they managed to stay away from each other for a few days before the A was back on. Something we see on these boards over and over and over again....

You realize that Dr Harley says NC is so important that he advises moving to another state if necessary to make that happen, right?

Each day he goes into that workplace, he further endangers your M. There is no getting around that.

BS3, your husband is free to go see his OW at work everyday. Every day is an opportunity for him to continue his affair. All the therapy in the world will not overcome that.

Do you enjoy being mistreated and abused in your marriage?
Or do you just not care?

Your husband is having an affair and you eagerly believe whatever he tells you and one of your excuses for not quiting is for a free gym membership?

He's a top chef? He needs to quit. He needs to change his lifestyle. And the number of affairs? Verify with a polygraph

Please read.
Read my lips: NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT