Hi Everyone,

Thank you for any advice or input that you provide.

I have been married a little 10 years, I have thought about leaving off and on but always come back to I made a commitment and need to stick with it and understand that marriages go through rough times.

I'm unsure as to how to start this, I guess I will start with the most recent argument of this past weekend.

My husband has been remodeling a room in our house. The weekend prior to this one he mentioned how not to talk to him all day while he was working. His reality/perception was all day. For me, it was about half an hour regarding a television program. We end up making a joke and it seemed okay.

So this past weekend, he has decided to turn on the television and watch a movie while folding clothes. I mention, I thought you were going to work on the upstairs? I certainly didn't mean it in any contentious type manner. Just in a conversational type way. I go back in the kitchen to do what I was doing. He turns off the television and now I know he is mad. I am confused because I truly didn't mean anything. I go back to the living room and say, I'm truly sorry if I upset you in anyway, I was just having a conversation. I am sorry. I return to the kitchen. He follows me and starts telling me that I spoke to him as if he were a child, that I chastised him, that I am managing and controlling. I am confused because I genuinely apologized and did not mean to upset him. This is where it begins to steamroll. Yet, again, my apology and essentially I am not good enough. So, I become defensive, he says I piggy back my feelings. On and on. I am confused because I apologized but in turn he ends up calling me names.

So, this is where one of the double standards comes into our marriage. A few weeks previously I mentioned to him that I felt he was controlling me. We discussed it, he says he is just trying to help. I came to the understanding that I do realize he was just trying to help. I get over pretty quickly and move on.

He prefers that I move on quickly when he upsets me and apologizes. He wants to be able to have as much recovery time as he needs.

We have a huge problem with percpetion and reality. He wants his perception and his reality to be accepted. But he would like to tell me that I am wrong about my perception and wants to explain to me that my perception is not based in reality or how my perception is flawed in some way.

We have been having this argument for as long as I can remember. I would say something like, it hurts me because my in-laws don't invite me to X. He would then say, well why would it bother you, they don't invite me to X either. He has many times tried to tell me my feelings are wrong.

I would ask him to do some repair at the house. It would take ages, possibly years I would try to explain how it is disrespectful to me. He would turn it around and say that he didn't see how it was disrespectful.

I found out that he had an affair with his ex-wife while we were in the second year of our marriage. I found out six years later. Within a few weeks I found out he had a "work-wife" that he brought to our home and had she and her husband become our "friends."

We went to counseling twice, first while in his affair with ex-wife that I asked directly if he was having an affair. He lied. I asked him about work-wife, he turned it around on me, that I even ended up apologizing to him.

He was violent, slamming doors, screaming. Now he punches holes in the walls, picks up chairs and throws them into the refrigerator. Fortunately, those are few and far between.

We went back to counseling and he made some great strides. I know it took a lot or work on his part. I admire that he took the time to work through all of it and that he made himself better and in turn our marriage.

To simplify all of this, he feels that I don't let him have his feelings. I feel that he has expectations from me that he doesn't put upon himself.

I encourage you to call a local battered women's shelter for help on eliminating your exposure to your H's angry outbursts. These things are really hard to eliminate and the recidivism rate is so high. I wish you success in your marriage, and I think that takes getting outside help rather than trying to fix this on your own.

The following is your big problem.



<~~~ YOUR problem is that you think this is somehow "fortunate" in any way, shape, or form.

There is no "double standard" in your marriage. There is abuse.

I agree with Pepper ... any outburst .. or fit of anger is abuse. I am currently working on my anger management and man I will tell you .. even though I have only had an angry outburst that resulted in violence a hand ful of times ... its NOT acceptable behavior. I justified my behavior too by saying the same thing .. It was only a few times .. im 99% a nice guy most of the time .. but the bottom line was .. I was abusive and that undermined my wifes security feeling. I FAILED to protect my wife when i was angry. Something I DO NOT Want to ever happen again.

Have you listened to Dr.Harleys anger management 101 radio clips? they were a HUGE eye opener for me.

MNG

edit: Dr>harley is spot on when he says angry outbursts usually come from a spirit of entitlement. We are not ENTITLED to have blow out angry reactions. No one MAKES us angry ... ever. Its a choice. This applys to both spouses for any reason.

I agree with the others that your biggest problem is your husband's violent behavior. There is nothing we can do for you until that is addressed. In fact, Dr Harley would tell you to separate from him until he gets some professional help for his anger problem.

Did you and your husband live together before marriage?

When to Call it Quits #2