I've taken some very brave steps lately to stand my ground and to draw better boundaries with my xh, and tonight I felt I needed a place to express that, so here goes.
I've found my own progress since the divorce has taken a great deal of time and has happened in small increments. When we first divorced, I was adamant that it would be an amicable divorce and that we would still be friends for the sake of our children especially.
However, since the divorce, I've continued to be faced with information that affects me and my children: financial surprises, his lifestyle choices, etc. Also, I've discovered along the way that I've continued to be a crutch and to save the xh from himself. I've carried him in many ways, even since the divorce. I've continued to look out for him.
Lately, I've been drawing better boundaries. It was difficult for me to give up knowing what was going on in his life, for example, but since I cut off contact except as it relates to the kids, I feel much better. I don't feel sorry for him for the messes he's made in his life, and I don't clean up after him anymore.
One example: I just discovered, among a host of other financial messes he's created for me, that he had two credit cards in my name that are showing on my credit record. I knew nothing of these accounts and did not have the cards. I called the companies and asked them to remove me from the accounts and was told they couldn't do that. They said the only way to remove myself was to cancel the accounts. In the past, I would not have done this to him, knowing it would inconvenience him and worrying that he needed them. Today, I cancelled them and texted him that I'd done so. He was livid, but I felt fine about it.
Another example: he had an item that was a family heirloom from my ancestors, which he had refused to return at the divorce. I didn't want to fight over it, but after the divorce, it seemed a huge mistake to let him keep it. I asked him for it, he refused again. But, instead of giving up as I would have previously done, I continued to insist he give it back. Finally, he did.
Progress.
I'm surprised by how hard it has been to cut these ties and behaviors, but it's making me more healthy. I feel the relief with each boundary I draw and each time I stand my ground. I feel my spirit returning, and though it may anger him quite a bit, it feels really good to me.
