A little background, Dated 2 years before engaged and married just shy of a year. November 18th 2011 was our marriage date. We had problems during our marriage but never this big as my last drunk moment.

Four months ago my wife and I had a argument about my drinking. I was way over my limit and acted like a fool. She was scared and terrified as times before. She left our home and went to her parents house for a week. Came back home a week later and stayed for that week. Then came the week of thanksgiving which we were apart for and she left for another week. During that week she told me she wanted to move out of our place and break our lease. We ended up moving out and both went to live with friends. I have chosen to make better life decisions since such as stop drinking alcohol and get back in and involved in my home church. Started seeing a councilor weekly. I tried to keep in contact with her along the way of us being separated. We were no longer talking everyday. I was hopping to reconcile while she continued to pull away. She would tell me all she can think about was divorce. I asked for more time to allow us to discuss where we were and hopefully reconstruct our marriage.

After three months apart I asked her if she has cheated on me and she add mitts to it and I end up a living wreck. I cried for weeks and things never got better. Communication was not getting any better. A couple weeks later she admits to still being in relations with this guy that she's cheated with. a few weeks later we agree to meet and talk. She doesn't want to meet at her place because she is scarred of me knowing where she lives. We meet at a restaurant and I get to ask if she really cheated and with who if so. She admits yes to cheating and says the guy lives near her. Hence me not wanting to know where she lives. She tells me she still wants a divorce but also feels like she could regret and possibly be making a big mistake if she divorces me.

I told her that I was open to her and asked what she wanted out of this. She replied divorce. She wanted to file our taxes first and said she would not be seeing anyone. Turns out she is dating someone now and told me. She has now turned it on me to be the so-called "bad" person. She says she wants nothing to do with me and she does not want to talk. Said she was going to send the divorce paper so I told her to send them. So far I have received nothing in the mail from her. This is where I am at.

So, to summarize;


You have been married less than two years.

The marriage was a wreck from the beginning due to your alcoholism.

You separated while you were attempting to recover from alcoholism.


She began an affair, and now states she wants a divorce.



Sorry, dude. I would quite simply expose her affair and proceed with divorce. There isn't a lot invested in this marriage, and you have some work to do on yourself to be the husband a wife needs to maintain a good marriage.


And, yes. When you achieve that, she will likely have some regret.


You won't.


Stick around and learn, and make sure to continue to manage your alcoholism.

You should enter into plan A.

To catch the poor woman and bring her back to what?


The only reason I see that he would want to reconcile with a woman who had an affair at the first opportunity is:
because he knows that no-one else will put up with his behaviour.

And nobody should.

You should get your act together here and make some permanent changes. And she should not be meeting you.

Please read.
Alcohol, Abuse and Infidelity

It sounds like their relationship was abusive, and Dr. Harley says abuse is a dealbreaker. Why are you recommending Plan A?

He should enter into plan A because many people turn their lives around while in plan A.
Plan A teaches the policy of caring for another person.
How can that hurt him or their marriage?

It can hurt her. Luring an estranged spouse back into an abusive situation is not Plan A. If he is an active alcoholic with untreated anger management problems, it isn't safe for her to reconcile with him.

Jessica,
Obviously he is expected to receive treatment for alcoholism and anger management if needed.
If your answer to this poster is, "let your wife go have her affairs " then how is that any help?

He has the ability to change.
It's up to him to take those steps

Please listen to these clips.
Radio Clip on Alcoholics
Radio Clip on Alcoholism

I believe this poster asked us about what steps he should take to

• end his WW's infidelity
• attempt to repair his marriage

Telling him

• to give up on the marriage
• he doesn't deserve his marriage due to his alcoholism

seems to be contra-indicated.

Dude, the tactics for ending her affair are the same for an alcoholic as they are for a teetotaler.

Snoop - Expose - Plan A - Plan B

Affairs do not usually happen without underlying issues (lack of communication, lack of sexual activity) which causes the eventual wayward spouse to seek emotional needs (ENs) from a source outside the marriage. It is evident that your weakness before alcohol led to any number of failures in the normal expectation of spousal behavior. Re-attracting your WW back to the marital union will be of no value if the alcohol problem is not completely ended. Understand, however, that whatever damage was done to your marriage may well prevent its repair, whether or not you achieve sobriety.

Thanks for posting the links, BH. I agree with Dr. Harley.

The length of the marriage is less than two years, and no COM were mentioned.

Based on that alone, he may be far better off to just cut her loose. That's pretty standard advice in similar situations.

While some may have implied that he doesn't "deserve" a marriage, I contest; he deserves a healthy marriage. This one is not.

He deserves; to be healthy himself, and to have a marriage with a wife who isn't jumping in the sack within another dude in less than 600 days after exchanging vows.

We have to remember That Dr Harley says that it is a very personal decision.
He will offer his opinion but he makes it clear that it is a personal decision.
There is a possibility this man could enter plan A, quit drinking alcohol which is the cause of so many of his problems, win his wife back and have a great marriage using MB principles.

If they were using the POJA in the first place, he wouldn't be drinking.

The first thing this poster should do is get a copy of Surviving an Affair by Dr Willard Harley and enter a alcohol rehab program or AA

Guest 101. It is possible to reform yourself and regain your marriage, however, it will be a longer investment of time than the time you have dated or been married... 2-5 years, and you should spend a bit of that time separated in order to ensure that your alcoholism and abuse has ended. From that standpoint is it really worth the effort? From your wife's point of view the answer is probably no.

I totally agree.

You know what they say in AA?

FIRST THINGS FIRST

Alcoholics (in general) don't know the first step from the middle step from the backwards step until they have (at minimum) six months sobriety under their belt.

Alcoholics not in ACTIVE recovery usually want to see results before doing the work. Otherwise, why do all that work, right?

101, the first step for you ~~~> is to work your sobriety on a daily basis. Drunks learn lousy life skills. It takes time to UNlearn bad habits and learn new skills.

When my H first stopped drinking, I liked him LESS and LESS because his anxiety was running the show. When an alcoholic drinks to manage his anxiety , early sobriety is not pretty.

We here at MB know about the LOVE BANK, and how making love bank deposits is your only hope of your wife being attracted to you again. Right now, she is repulsed by you.

Are you going to an AA meeting every day?