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Yes, when we fight, I inevitably bring up the affair. I actually suspect that she hasn't had contact for a year, but she still acts entitled, so I throw it in her face.
THIS is what I want to learn how to control. How do I stop? How do I train myself? As I said, we haven't read any of the books yet, so we will start there.
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...we haven't read any of the books yet, so we will start there.
You are also very much in need of Love Busters.
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JSA
I was only recently able to get by this. Let me explain and hopefully it will help.
At this point, you and WW are on uneven ground. You don't consider her to be on a level playing field with you as she has so much to do to provide you with compensation for the affair. This is normal because the BS requires just compensation to feel safe in the marriage and to be assured that another affair cannot happen. You task in all of this is to set the boundaries (EPs) that will allow you to feel safe and begin to restore trust in WW. Until then, you will remain on an uneven playing field and she will not feel like an equal partner in the marriage. Once these boundaries are in place, and you have the whole truth of the affair(s) you MUST then put it behind you and start treating her as an equal partner in the marriage. This should not take more than a few weeks. If it does, then she has not come out of her fog yet.
The important thing at this point is that you must be willing to put it behind you and never bring it up again.
What EPs do you have in place?
Me - BH 49 years old
Her - WW 43 years old
Married 20 years
D Day Jan 7, 2013
3 kids - DS19, DS17, DS12
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My above comment implies that you have fully exposed to end the affair, verified that the affair is over through proper snooping and then setup your EPs. I believe the MB program advises the move to plan B if the affair has not ended within 3 weeks.
Me - BH 49 years old
Her - WW 43 years old
Married 20 years
D Day Jan 7, 2013
3 kids - DS19, DS17, DS12
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My above comment implies that you have fully exposed to end the affair, verified that the affair is over through proper snooping and then setup your EPs. I believe the MB program advises the move to plan B if the affair has not ended within 3 weeks. Actually the three weeks are for BWs. Dr. Harley recommends 6 months to more for BHs. But, if at the end of six months, she refuses to stop seeing her lover and doesn't seem to be responding to your efforts, tell her that you can't take the pain any longer and move out of your house. I recommend that you don't talk to her, don't see her, do whatever the law requires, but no more. The last thing she will remember of you is how kind you were to her, and how hard you tried to make her happy. Never say a harsh word to her, but when you leave, gently tell her that you do not wish to talk to her again. It's tough to carry out, with two children. But if at all possible, have your friends or family mediate so that you don't talk to her when you see your children.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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As far as I know, The 2 girls do talk to him. I don't think they talk about him with my wife, and she says they don't.
I do think she is staying away from him, and she has admitted she made a mistake. I don't care for that term in this regard, but I'll accept it.
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As far as I know, The 2 girls do talk to him. I don't think they talk about him with my wife, and she says they don't.
I do think she is staying away from him, and she has admitted she made a mistake. I don't care for that term in this regard, but I'll accept it. JSA, Have you cut off your affair with the OW you work with? Have you told your wife? Have you quit that job? What EPs have you put in place? JSA's "Other" Thread
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Posting under 2 names is a NO NO.
best of luck.
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As far as I know, The 2 girls do talk to him. I don't think they talk about him with my wife, and she says they don't.
I do think she is staying away from him, and she has admitted she made a mistake. I don't care for that term in this regard, but I'll accept it. JSA, what's up with the EA you've got going on with a woman who is not your wife? We can't address your current issues with your wife if you are posting separately about your own infidelity. We need the whole picture so we know what we're working with; if we don't have that, we can't advise you accurately. Do you understand that you need to leave your job to leave your EA partner, if you have any chance of saving your marriage?
Last edited by maritalbliss; 03/16/13 08:21 PM.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Wow. Now I know why he didn't want to tell me anything. All he asked for was counseling websites, and I tried to do him a favor. But now you people have exposed to me what he wouldn't.
***EDIT***
Last edited by Ariel; 03/18/13 02:02 PM. Reason: TOS: Personal attack
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***EDIT***
Last edited by Ariel; 03/18/13 02:02 PM. Reason: Removing quote
Me-BH-39
WW-34 (Strugglingaz)
Married 7-dated 3 previous
D-10
D-6
1st D-day-2-26-11 2nd D-day-5-17-11
NC-3-9-11---Broke 4-2-11, 4-8-11-,5-16-11 Maybe more
BH-Filed for D-5-17-2011
Divorced 2-21-2012
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