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My husband and I have been married for 13 years. He travels a lot for work, approximately 3 weeks each month. Recently he came home disturbed and told me he had had too much to drink at the hotel bar and was flirting with a stranger. He invited her to his room and they had sex. He also told me he had an addiction to porn and has spent more $ at a strip club than any one thing he has ever bought me. He says he is attracted to me. We have a daughter and before the affair, he asked me to renew our vows. We had been in marriage counseling for 9 months. I am blown away. I asked him what he was not getting from me? I give him sex every night he is home, and I try new things, yet it was still not enough. I recently watched a video from this site and have a specific question. In most affairs that are talked about on this site, the first step is to sever relationships with the lover. In this case my husband did not know her name and had to get an STD test because he had symptoms. My question is two-fold. 1. I don't know if I should stay or go. At this point I have agreed to committ to 'trying' to work this out. Thoughts? My second question is: what is reasonable for him to omit or sever ties with? I told him I did not want him to travel anymore, and it is an ultimatum. However, he must travel for work. I just don't think I can do it. Please help.

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Originally Posted By: Woman
I told him I did not want him to travel anymore, and it is an ultimatum. However, he must travel for work. I just don't think I can do it. Please help.


Woman, this is the KEY to the recovery of your marriage. The traveling job is the source of the problem. If he will find another job, you have a chance to solve this problem. If he won't find a job where you are together every night, this is hopeless.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: Dr Bill Harley

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.
here

Originally Posted By: Dr Harley

Anything that takes one spouse away from the other overnight is an invitation for an affair. But when an opposite-sex co-worker tends to join a spouse on business trips, red flags should be flying in all directions. Any evidence that this relationship is anything more than pure business is, from my perspective, a gigantic clue that an affair might be in progress. That's also the case if a spouse and opposite-sex co-worker spend a great deal of time working together.

We are all wired to have an affair. We can all fall in love with someone of the opposite sex if that person meets one of our emotional needs. If you don't think it can happen to you because of your conviction or will-power, you are particularly vulnerable to an affair. And if you think your spouse would never have an affair, you are also vulnerable.

Look what happened to poor Kathy Lee Gifford. She stated publicly and wrote in one of her books that she trusted her husband completely, that he would never cheat on her. But she should not have trusted her husband. If she would have taken the steps she is now taking to help him avoid another affair, the first would never have taken place, and she would have avoided all its pain and embarrassment. I don't trust my wife completely and she doesn't trust me, and that's why neither of us have ever had an affair. Lack of trust does not make spouses paranoid and miserable, it makes their marriages safe.
here

Originally Posted By: Dr Harley
One topic is loss of trust. How can a spouse ever trust an unfaithful partner again? My answer is that the spouse should never have been trusted in the first place. I shouldn't be trusted by my wife, and I shouldn't trust her. The fact is that we are all wired for infidelity, and under certain conditions, we'll all do it. The way to protect your marriage from something that has been common to man (and women) for thousands of years is to recognize the threat, and do something to prevent it from happening. Basing a marriage on the Policy of Radical Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement goes a long way toward preventing an affair. Being each other's favorite leisure-time companions, and not being away from each other overnight are also important safety measures. Meeting each other's most important emotional needs, avoiding Love Busters and building an integrated lifestyle, free of secret second lives, are all ways to affair-proof your marriage. With these measures in place, we end up trusting our spouses because an affair becomes almost impossible to achieve.
here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thank you for your reply, in this case, this was Not a co-worker. Rather, a stranger in the bar. He did not even know her name and came home thinking he had an STD and had to go and get tested. Neither of us has ever had sex with another person, we were highschool sweethearts, went to the same university and are very financially successful. We had what others wish for, we even had a cool friendship, flirtation, sex every night. (there are times I wanted to turn him away but felt it my duty as a christian wife). I hear what you are saying loud and clear, wish we had these plans prior to being married and would go anywhere to take your next seminar. I did not find dates on your website, but we are determined and will travel. I just want to know if I am being unreasonable by not wanting him to travel again, even though it is for his job and must be done? Thanks much. Blessings.

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Originally Posted By: Woman
Thank you for your reply, in this case, this was Not a co-worker. Rather, a stranger in the bar. He did not even know her name and came home thinking he had an STD and had to go and get tested. Neither of us has ever had sex with another person, we were highschool sweethearts, went to the same university and are very financially successful. We had what others wish for, we even had a cool friendship, flirtation, sex every night. (there are times I wanted to turn him away but felt it my duty as a christian wife). I hear what you are saying loud and clear, wish we had these plans prior to being married and would go anywhere to take your next seminar. I did not find dates on your website, but we are determined and will travel. I just want to know if I am being unreasonable by not wanting him to travel again, even though it is for his job and must be done? Thanks much. Blessings.

Do I understand correctly that you are asking about the MB weekend seminar?

Dr Harley does not present these in person any more. They were a big commitment for couples, who had to find the course fee, the hotel fee, travel fees and sometimes a babysitter for the weekend. The seminars also excluded people like me who do not live in America.

Instead, you do the entire course online. You watch a film of the seminar presentations first - there are a few hours to watch - and then begin the weekly reading, questionnaires and spending UA time. You are assigned a coach to take you through your weekly lessons, and you have access to Dr Harley on this website, on a private forum.

There is a link for Courses, Seminars and Accountability in the red area at the top of every page here.

To answer your question about whether you are being unreasonable by not wanting your H to travel:

The point is not whether it is reasonable or not, but that this is the only way that your marriage can survive, recover, and not be vulnerable to a one-night-stand (or even worse, a long-term affair with with a woman who lives in another country, as my once-travelling husband had) ever again.

This is the only way to recover, and to protect your marriage in the future. You can take a more "reasonable" approach if you want, but there will be another hook-up. Where opportunity meets desire that's inevitable.


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Woman, I am sorry you have had to find us, but you've come to the right place.
My fellow posters have made it clear to you that your WH can no longer travel for work. Overnights away from you are disasters in the making for your marriage, as you have learned. He needs to leave his job NOW.

Also, I would suggest that you ask your WH to sit for a polygraph to determine the extent of his one night stands. The fact that he asked you once before to renew your vows tells me that something happened prior to that that caused him guilt. I don't think this ONS is his first time, I'm sorry. I think he was unfaithful to you before, and the vows renewal was his way of trying to get himself back on track.

Please demand a polygraph so you know the man to whom you are married. And insist that he quit his travelling job NOW.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted By: Woman
Thank you for your reply, in this case, this was Not a co-worker. Rather, a stranger in the bar.


Yes, I do understand this.

Quote:
I hear what you are saying loud and clear, wish we had these plans prior to being married and would go anywhere to take your next seminar. I did not find dates on your website, but we are determined and will travel. I just want to know if I am being unreasonable by not wanting him to travel again, even though it is for his job and must be done? Thanks much. Blessings.


Dr Harley would be adamant that he find a non-traveling job. It would mean the end of your marriage if he doesn't.

And you don't have to travel now for the MB seminar like my H and I did in 2007. They have the entire course online. They assign you a coach and she takes you through the lessons. You also have daily access to Dr Harley over on the private forum. Here is the link: here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Here is a thread with radio clips where Dr Harley discusses traveling jobs: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2563215


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Woman,

Thank you for your reply, in this case, this was Not a co-worker. Rather, a stranger in the bar. He did not even know her name and came home thinking he had an STD and had to go and get tested.

I find this a little bit difficult to believe, as a guy I would more believe that your WH was seeing prostitutes and the condom broke for the first time. That would be enough to terrify anyone give the seriousness of modern diseases. It just sounds too much like a cover story, get a polygraph.

God Bless
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Polygraph.







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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I definately think you have made the best choice! I always thought to myself that I never wanted to look back and regret that I didn't do all that I could do. My H dropped the bomb on me after 9 years of marriage (2 kids) that he had multiple affairs while traveling. Pretty much one night stands - no emotional attachment to them. He, also, had a job that required him to travel alot. He was very broken and seemed to sincerely want help and make the marriage work. He took it upon himself to quit the job.....we moved (as the Harleys advise) and started a new life in a new town. I am fairly new to this website, also, so I am learning alot of new things. With the amount of traveling he does I understand where you are coming from.

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**edit**

Last edited by Fireproof; 03/15/13 11:19 AM. Reason: non MB advice
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Please familiarize yourself with Marriage Builders concepts before posting to others. The purpose of this forum is to learn MB concepts, not to discuss personal philosophies.

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Woman, I would demand a polygraph immediately to help you determine how you will recover and if you wish to.

A man with an extensive travelling job (3 weeks a month), porn addiction, and spending at strip clubs, does not have 1 random ONS in their entire life.

This is his trickle truth. It is the tip of the iceberg. I'm sorry. For your own health and safety, it's time for you to find out the real truth.


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