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You make up your mind that you are going to put forth your very best effort to make your husband happy. The husband you took vows with.
Listen, you don't need to hear a WW perspective. I'm not a WW. Never was. But I did have a very hardened heart towards my husband after he broke his wedding vows and debased himself by screwing his friend's wife. How difficult was it for me to allow him to meet my needs after he was the one to bring a third person into the marriage? Damn hard. Did I feel that being vulnerable to him might be risky? You bet. Did I wonder if I might be hurt? Yes.
How did I get "in that mind frame"? I knew I owed it to myself to at least try. I owed it to my children to at least try. I took vows that are very important to me. I found my H to be a worm of a guy after D day. I was seething mad. I was desperately hurt. Do you think only a WW knows what it is like to be rejected for a long time?
If I can risk intimacy with a husband who hurt me deeply, so can you.
We're recovered 17 years. Not only that, he adores me. He is my soft place to fall. We're growing old together. He cared for me during a horrible 2 years of very severe health problems.
Questions? Ask me anything.
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I think you're stuck in a place where you're simply afraid to lower your guard to your H. Lowering your guard is a decision that you, and you alon, have to make. Is there something in you that wants this M to be repaired? That is where you make the decision.
Me - BH 49 years old
Her - WW 43 years old
Married 20 years
D Day Jan 7, 2013
3 kids - DS19, DS17, DS12
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I do hope that you use the link provided, fc. LongWayFromHome has also done the online course and therefore must have communicated directly with Dr H about that questionnaire, as I have done. Please use it.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I guess what I am asking is how to get in that mind frame. Aren't there any WWs on here to share their perspectives? No offense to anyone My wife posted on MB for a long time. We are long ago recovered in an MB marriage. I looked through her history and found a thread that she posted a lot on. It may be a few pages before she showed up on the thread because I didn't read the entire thread. I noticed several other former wayward wives and husbands on the thread too (herpapabear, writer, tawanda, gloveoil, etc). Almost lost an amazing man! I don't think the original poster and her husband recovered. Hope you have better success. In the alternative, here's a link to page 3 of my wife's posting history and you could just click through and read any of her posts. [there's 6000 of them so pick and choose carefully for relevance and/or click "topics created" to see threads she started.] All Posts made by MrsWondering page 3 Godspeed, Mr. Wondering
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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I don't think the original poster and her husband recovered.
They did NOT recover. StrugglinAZ put her BH through at least one false recovery and then took their children and ran off with OM1, with the economic (job) support of her enabling family. When last heard, she was on OM4!
MW: You could NOT, had you all the indexing/researching skill of Brainy, picked a more appropriate cautionary thread for FC to read. FC's and StrugglinAZ's dissembling and avoidance is strikingly eerie in their resemblance.
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I guess what I am asking is how to get in that mind frame. Aren't there any WWs on here to share their perspectives? No offense to anyone Just make up your mind. And do the thing properly, not half-@ssed. You might as well work the program instead of making you and your BH miserable, or else just go the other way. But seriously just make a decision already!
Me BW: 30
WH: 33
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Please do the questionnaire urgently. FC, have you seen this Marital Needs Questionnaire? It might help you pinpoint the points where your love bank is being drained. Marital Needs Questionairefc, can you please go do this now? In addition, I would recommend you do the lovebusters questionaire. There is something wrong here and I think longwayhome and Sugarcane are onto it. I think filling out those 2 questionaires might bring it out into the open. Here is the lovebusters questionaire: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4502_lbq.html
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Dear FC,
I am a WW who is in recovery. Our recovery was very slow in the beginning for many reasons, and like you, my guard was up and I was very withdrawn from my husband.
Time has done much to heal us, but we have done a lot of work too.
I wonder if you are still dreaming of a life that "could have been" with that OM, and you are comparing the OM's BEST qualities to your BH WORST qualities ?
It seems that something is keeping you tethered to this OM in your mind, despite going NC with him. (???)
I ask you this : If you were already divorced, had a house, making a living, etc. is this OM someone you would pick in normal circumstances ???? When I asked myself this question, I realized my answer was NO !!
Abe Lincoln said, "Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
FC, Make up your mind to do everything you can to make your marriage happy. You have all the tools here.
By the way, in case you are confused, that OM is a creep.
me: FWW/BW
Married 20 years, 4 kids
We made it.
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I think it is like alot of things in life. You have to do it before you feel it. Repeated actions will bring the feelings back. You have to make a concious choice whether you will or you wont and then don't look back.
I think of it like exercise. I was not willing to exercise. I did not want to, but hubby did. Being physically fit and attractive was a big need for him so I started. I didn't want to. I was just doing it to fill his love tank. But do you know what, when I don't now I don't feel as good and I'm not as positive. So I do it for me now. In the words of a famous commercial:
JUST DO IT!!!!
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Along with doing the questionnaires that the others have suggested. Have you heard this radio clip about Just compensation? Radio Clip on Just Compensation
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Please do the questionnaire urgently. FC, have you seen this Marital Needs Questionnaire? It might help you pinpoint the points where your love bank is being drained. Marital Needs Questionairefc, can you please go do this now? In addition, I would recommend you do the lovebusters questionaire. There is something wrong here and I think longwayhome and Sugarcane are onto it. I think filling out those 2 questionaires might bring it out into the open. Here is the lovebusters questionaire: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4502_lbq.htmlOk, I'm doing the questionaire
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Ok, I'm not sure if he has ever made a selfish demand
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Ok, I'm not sure if he has ever made a selfish demand They can be cleverly disguised. Maybe this will help... http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3404_selfish.htmlHave good weekend.
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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They can be cleverly disguised. Maybe this will help... http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3404_selfish.htmlHave good weekend.[/quote] That didn't have any specific examples. The only thing I can think of would be when he wants to have sex. He makes me feel bad about saying no and gives me a lecture.
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I'm having a really hard time with this MNQ!!
He has some annoying habits but nothing worth getting divorced over
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The only thing I can think of would be when he wants to have sex. He makes me feel bad about saying no and gives me a lecture.
All right, before getting into the issues with LBs, and DJs here in MB 201 - Pitfalls, let's review the pre-requisite course, MB 101 - Why Marriage?
People selfishly (if unconsciously) give up their absolute freedom and irrationally tie themselves to another human to establish a reliable source of what is, to each individual, a unique set of requirements, called Emotional Needs, or ENs.
Presumably, among your BH's top ENs is the desire/need for Sexual Fulfillment. (FC, are you taking notes this time?) Depending on the frequency of his expectation, and translation into a request, and the probability of your declining the request (hence denying his need), it is HIGHLY likely he will become frustrated with your participation in what is, whether you care to acknowledge it or not, part of the marital contract. BTW: His calling up statistics on sexual activity in your age-group nationally would be a lecture. His saying, "I would like more SF," is NOT a lecture; it is a complaint. (Get mad at me all you want for THIS lecture, FC. I don't really care!)
I don't know what his level of need in this area is. I don't know how often you accommodate his request. But obviously your and his expectation in this matter is seriously "off".
As crass as this sounds (and I can almost guarantee you won't agree to execute it, so it doesn't bother me to be crass), why don't you and BH sit down and discuss a rough schedule of satisfaction. It does NOT have to be "Every Saturday night, and every other Wednesday evening," or anything that specific, but if his position is "twice a day", and yours is "once a month" you and he will at least have isolated an issue clearly that would need addressing.
Or, if your positions remain intransigently that far apart, save the rest of the rancor and discord, and dissolve the marriage.
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I'm having a really hard time with this MNQ!!
He has some annoying habits but nothing worth getting divorced over You do understand the concept of the Love Bank correct? How each little LB puts a hole in your bucket and the love you have for him seeps out? Can you not see how his annoying habits could kill the love you have for him? I know it isn't for everyone ... to have to have these discussions about every little thing. It gets annoying to have to defend why what our spouses do is annoying to us. But it is worth it in the end. You just have to muddle through these conflicts. It�s the only way you�ll be able to see him in a different light. That he�s a man of change and as such he�ll continue to get better and he�s worth opening your heart to. As far as him lecturing you when you deny meeting his EN for SF. I strongly suggest you schedule it. It is how the counselors approached my marital situation. Take the guess work out of it for both of you. Work together to develop the mood you need prior to SF. Teamwork. Not him waiting and then asking and you saying no and him getting ticked off. Take the uncomfortableness of the situation out of it. Schedule it.
Last edited by MrAlias; 03/19/13 07:54 AM.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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I like NG's suggestion. Discuss a mutually satisfactory schedule. And, it's vitally important you have this discussion WITH ALL YOUR CLOTHES ON, and seated at the dining table, not in bed. Like every POJA negotiation, it begins with questions: "I would like to have sex about every (frequency). How do you feel about this? How often would you like to have sex?" Print out Dr Harley's POJA guidelines, and you BOTH follow the guidelines.
Guidelines for POJA
Guideline 1
Set ground rules to make negotiation pleasant and safe.
...Ground Rule 1 Try to be pleasant and cheerful throughout negotiations.
...Ground Rule 2 Put safety first. Don't make demands, show disrespect, or become angry when you negotiate, even if your partner makes demands, shows disrespect, or becomes angry with you.
...Ground Rule 3 If you reach an impasse and don't seem to be getting anywhere, or if one of you is starting to make demands, show disrespect, or become angry, stop negotiating and come back to the issue later.
~~~> In other words, do not succumb to the temptations of your Taker <~~~
Guideline 2
Identify the problem from both perspectives.
Very important point Harley makes ~~~> Most couples try to resolve a conflict without doing their homework. They don't fully understand the conflict itself, nor do they understand each other's perspectives. In many cases, they are not even sure what they really want or what they are enthusiastically willing to give.
Harley says
Respect is the key in this phase of negotiation.
It is extremely important to avoid trying to straighten each other out.
(~~~> OK .... anyone guilty of this raise your hand <~~~ *my hand is up*)
Guideline 3
Brainstorm with abandon
This is the creative part.
Look for mutually agreeable areas that will create compatability.
The goal is to please both of you.
Harley says
The secret to understanding your partner is to think like your partner's Taker thinks.
It's easy to appeal to your partner's Giver ~~~> if she really loves me, she'll let me do this. BUT, lasting peace must be forged with your partner's Taker, so your solutions must appeal to your partner's most selfish instincts. At the same time they must also appeal to your most selfish instincts.
VERY IMPORTANT POINT HERE***
Resist one type of solution that your Giver and Taker may suggest --- the I'll let you do what you want this time if you let me do what I want next time solution <~~~ That's the RENTER'S SOLUTION that encourages you to alternate sacrificing for each other.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Just finished listening. Here's where we are:
We have EPs in place and developed transparency. Now we are working on the romantic relationship part.
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