Hi! My name is_____. I will give a SHORT version of my story. Me and my husband have been married 21 years. I thought things were good with us with few problems in our marriage. For a few weeks I had been having this feeling of something going on ( feeling unloved, uncared about, advoided, etc.. ) and my WH tells me "it is just you, you always think things like this". Well this was different. So as i am sitting at home watching Fireproof, he comes home to tell me he wants a divorce. It rocked my world. I didnt eat for weeks didnt sleep fora few months. That was in November 2012. on Dec. 1st we were all watching a movie and he kept texting and i said to my teen he is texting another woman and she said no he isnt, so i got up went upstairs and got my camera and zoomed in on his phone and sure enough he had been talking to this homewrecker. He had already been kissing her before he even told me he wanted out. World rocked again. he told me they only kissed and she gave oral but he didnt do anything like that. He even to this day says it never went further. So he said on the 3rd he would break it off with her, on the 8th he said he would break it off, and on the 11th he said he would again. I texted her on the 8th and told her he said she wont leave him alone so please back off. It was HIM that was going after her. Between the 9th and the 20th of Dec. he started seeing who she really was and not someone he would want in his life unless she changed so he totally cut it off as of Dec. 20th. They work in the same building different floors. So he went to his dads for a week in Jan.and came home and told me he wants to work this out with me that he felt something was missing while he was gone. YAY! We both know it is a long road ahead and he has pretty much bent over backwards for me but I am having a hard time even gaining alittle trust. Some days are good, but then when he doesnt talk to me on Yahoo IM the thoughts start. Is he having coffee with her, is he at lunch with her, did he sneak up to her floor to see her, etc... and when he comes back on IM he says sorry had to go to a meeting ( which where he works he does have alot of). I have read some of their messages to each other and they didnt talk very nice about me. He now tells me not everything he said was true and I have to understand where he was at at that time of his life. We went to counseling from Nov. 30th to Dec. 17th and he just kept saying he wants out, he already had feeling for her. He has told me sorry for what he has done and told me it is his fault I am the way i am now with trust. This is her 3rd marraige she has messed with but the only one she didnt destroy and I owe that all to God. It kills me not to trust this man I love and i dont know how to handle not trusting him. He has been open about everything and answered all my questions, even the ones he didnt want to answer. We both read His Needs Her Needs and did the workbook. Opened our eyes to some things. Why are men so visual??? I think that had alot to do with it. She had the perfect porn body ( i say that because he has always been addicted to porn and quit looking when they started talking because she has the "perfect" body and I dont. I have plenty of kids. I am 5 9 and 209 where as she is 5 6 and 118. I thought he would love me for who I was not what i looked like. So anyways my SHORT story went LONG. I just need help with the trust. I have heard it can take up to 7 years. I miss read everything. I feel like my mind is on a merry-go-round and I cant stop it or even slow it down. Any advice/help

Hi Needtrust, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry for the reasons that bring you here.

The problem is not "trust," but this:


Do they still work together?

Yes. He purposely avoids her and doesnt speak to her. The only time he sees her is if she comes down to his floor to get coffee and 1 time every 4 months due to work release at their building with about 20 other people.

Then certainly you should not trust him because he is having an affair at work. He can see his OW every day he goes there. There is nothing stopping him. NOTHING.

You have no reason to trust him as long as he goes to see his OW every day. The problem is that he sees her, NOT that you can't trust an untrustworthy person. You would be insane to trust an untrustworthy person and you are right to not trust him. He is having an affair!

Recovery is impossible as long as he continues to work in the same place.


Yes to all of this.

Is the OW married and, if so, have you informed her husband?

NT, you have a lot of work to do and there are a lot of experienced vets on this site to help you. Remember one thing through this fight for your marriage. You did nothing to deserve this or cause him to have his affair. Regardless of the condition of your marriage beforehand, there is nothing that can excuse his behavior.

You need to start here
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2695379#Post2695379

Make sure you read everything there. The vets will be here for you soon and they will have a lot of questions for you.

God bless and I'm sorry you had to find yourself here. Like the rest of us, this will be the most important fight of your life. You will need to follow the advice given to the tee if your marriage has any hope of surviving.

NT, please go read the first thread on this forum. There is some great information and links on how to save a marriage from an affair. In your case, recovery will be impossible unless he leaves that job. I am sorry. What your husband is doing is about like a "recovering" alcoholic going to the bar every day and just changing the name of his drinks to "business drinks." He never sobers up, of course, until he quits drinking and gets out of the bar.

Hopefully they get here soon!

How Can Trust Be Restored After An Affair?

NeedTrust, you need to get past your misguided notion that you 'need trust' - too much trust is one of the things that created the atmosphere for your WH's affair in the first place.

Do you understand that he will need to leave his job? That is the first order of business for building anything that resembles 'trust' and is required to recover your marriage. I don't want to hear about how important it is that he keeps working, either: He can keep working there and you can lose your marriage. How important will that job be THEN?

Who is this skanky chick who is crawling in your husband's pants? Is she married?

You need to get Dr. Harley's book Surviving an Affair. It will be your handbook for recovery. IF that's what you want - I'm going to assume that you don't realize the loaded weapon you plan to hand to your WH by trying to figure out how to trust him again while he continues to work with the OW.

Oh..... I have name, address, email, phone number, work number, work email, Google account, instagram account, etc..... No she isn't married but she still see's her ex husband. He lives in Tx and left his wife for her, they married then divorced 7 months later but she still sees him and he comes up here to see her and had a key to her apartment. If they aren't married, she doesn't want them. Trust me i understand about the job.

Of course that is what i want. Im sorry im not understanding the loaded weapon part.

In plain language:

You will never feel safe again, nor should you, while WH is working at the same company as OW!

Now you can start with all the "We can't afford to have him leave his job....", and "He'll never agree to leave his job.....", etc, etc, etc protestations, but as long as they have the opportunity to even see each other, in the parking lot, in a hallway, in a meeting room, he will never be fully able to break free of the thoughts of the kisses, and oral pleasure, and whatver else he received from her.

Yes. What NG said. That's the loaded gun I was talking about.

But you say that you understand this, yes? That he can't keep working there? He understands this, as well? Very good! So he is putting his notice in?

I understand that one or the other needs to move on an get another job, but he would not. I can only pray but i cant force. He is up for a promotion that will move him out of there so i am just hanging on and praying. His boss told him to apply for it and another position in management and both will get him out an away.

What is the timeframe for the promotion/transfer?

I suppose, if you were 1) very strong, or 2) well equipped with pharmaceutical supplements, you might last a few months. Of course, we'd be working on the assumption here that BH does not resume his affair (and he was previously so faithful, was he not?) so all that would be put at risk in the interim would be your mental/emotional well-being, and neither the substance of your marriage, nor your physical well being (STDs, etc), from a resumption of his infidelity.

I am just hanging on and praying.

Here's a secret, NT, from NG: OUR ADVICE is the help you've been praying for. You should accept it and act on it.

Which reminds me: You're going to need WH to arrange for a polygraph for himself (we'll help you with the questions), and a complete set of STD screens for both of you. And until that's done, keep the honey-jar closed.

Needtrust,

If your WH was an alcoholic would you allow him to work in a bar unsupervised? Since many organizations turn a blind eye to cheating on the job and even allow a culture of cheating to thrive, I would be very concerned if I were you.

Please recognize that OW is like a drug to your WH, and addiction, one we all have a built in desire for, to paraphrase Dr. Harley.

God Bless
Gamma

If he won't end his affair and leave that job, then you should separate. You might not be able to force, but there is MUCH you can and should do, such as exposing the affair to his workplace, close family and friends.

Where would the promotion take him TO? If they are still working at the same company, wouldn't they still run into each other at company events? How would you monitor this?

Frankly, the best solution is for your husband to leave that company and get away from her entirely. The news of his affair will eventually get out anyway, which will ruin his chances of promotion. Workplace cheaters are reckless loose cannons and most hiring managers avoid them like the plague. Cheaters are walking liability lawsuits who can't be trusted in positions of authority.

The other job should come next month. I am a pretty strong person but i do have my moments of crying. An as far as him talking to or seeing her at work, I KNOW he doesnt. Cant say how i know but i KNOW! An he has always been faithful up to that time. A polygraph?

Polygraph = lie detector

Without it, you will never be certain about the true extent of who did what to whom, while they were rutting together.

Here's a shock: Cheating spouses LIE! They lied when they made their wedding vows, and they're not highly motivated to stop when telling the truth will be so God-awful painful for themselves.

And as far as your KNOWING he's definitely not in contact with POSOW, re-read the prior paragraph.

And yet you come on a board about affairs and their aftermath talking about how you can't trust. Seems like something doesn't line up to me.

First, I really think you need to be honest with yourself and face what has really happened, the reality of it, what it means and what it will take to get by this, and what you want the future to hold.

Brave talk, smiley faces and head burying won't get you very far in the end.