Dear All:
Hoping someone can help...
I am writing b/c I have read His Needs, Her Needs (twice once 4yrs ago and recently again), Love Busters and have been listening to the radio broadcasts for about 4 months now and still have a problem.

Background: My boyfriend and I recently broke up about 2 weeks ago. I realize this site is mainly for married couples and I have heard Dr. Harley's opinions on when couples break up prior to marriage. With that said, I don't think this is w/out repair and I have never felt this way. I am not young and immature, 32y/o, I know I won't die from this and I know I will move on eventually if this is hopeless, however, I have also never wanted to get married to anyone before in my life (despite two other boyfriends asking) or want to spend my life w/ someone until my current boyfriend (ex now).

Now our story is quite a little fairy tale that I hope hasn't ended. He is from Ohio, I am from NY. We met 5 yrs ago, both of us were in separate relationships at the time living in NC doing medical training, nothing came of it. We both later on moved to Maryland 40min away from each other w/out even knowing it and randomly spoke on the phone while I was transferring a patient to his hospital, though we didn't realize we were speaking to each other. (later I found out that he called back once he realized it was me but that I was gone and never got the message). Finally, about 6months ago we randomly met at a medical conference in California and were together ever since. The connection was instantaneous and we both confessed that even 5 years ago there was always a connection and that we felt we were always meant to be together.

Our situation over the past 6months was not the greatest, I was in PA, working full time, going to school full time, studying for my boards and my mother was extremely ill. He was in Ohio working massive amounts of hours attempting to pay his mother's medical bills as her health detiorated due to Rheumatoid Arthritis. He worked nights, I work days, we would see each other on weekends.

During this time I also suffered what I think is a small depressive episode (I've never suffered from depression before) but I had newly found out that I was adopted, I started therapy and am doing wonderful now, but it truly was a blow I was not prepared for in addition to everything else.

What started out as a fairy tale was quickly going south. We were not meeting each other's needs. Admittedly, he was trying to meet mine, I was letting him (the issue w/ adoption really hit me hard and I still had to work and go to school etc). Unfortunately, I took him for granted as I coped w/ my own drowning and self anger. I stopped meeting his needs. We began to argue constantly about ridiculous things, everything was hurting my feelings to the point that I didn't even know anymore why I was arguing, I felt neglected and unloved but it probably wasn't even from him. It stemmed more from my mother lying to me and then failing to take ownership for her actions (when asked to discuss my adoption her response was that it was her choice and her life and she would not answer questions or apologize for her lies). Still no excuse but misplaced anger and hurt was the cause of my fighting w/ him.

Once I started realizing what I was doing I knew I had to take corrective actions, I started listening daily to the radio forum, attending therapy bi-monthly instead of monthly and things were improving again, until he took on more shifts and the time b/w our visits became 2-3 weeks. We discussed it and it was felt that this could not continue and we needed more time together. I dropped from my Master's program to a certificate program (which was to finish in March), completed my board exams, put my condo up for sale and resigned from my current position. Everything would be done at the end of March.

The problem now is that once I started trying, he stopped and I felt unloved and unappreciated, again the fighting over nothing started.

Why do I want to be w/ this person? We have the same interests, we can speak for hours, we enjoy the same activities, have the same outlook on life, religion and family, we think the same but enhance each other's thinking. I find him attractive both in appearances and mind. Sexually we are extremely compatible, family and friends are important to both of us, we are both compassionate and giving sometimes to a fault. I love him for all of the above and more.

Our last fight however, ended things. Again, a stupid fight. I asked him to send me his schedule again (I lost it the first time) so I could book a flight, after the third time of asking I sent him a message if he didn't want me to come to just say so. In this we had also agreed to speak for at least 30min to an hour a day even though our schedules were backwards so that we could still feel connected and instead the last few days his friend kept coming over and interrupting that time. I became cold and sarcastic- love buster. (this was immature I know, sometimes I think I was so starved for love that any attention even bad was at least attention) He said he could not fight w/ me like this anymore and did not want to be in the relationship. He said that I had hurt him too many times and though he once thought we were perfect for each other he realized he could not make me happy and he felt we were incompatible emotionally.

We have continued to speak daily since then for an hour or more. I recently asked him if we could hang out and he said no b/c he did not trust me to protect his feelings and that he would not trust me and did not want to return to the bad. I've apologized profusely, admitted my fault, explained that I was drowning in my own life and it was not him but me and that I have eliminated all of the reasons that were in our path. I just speak to him and hear that he is so hurt, telling me that he needs a partner for life and that I was not there for him though he was there for me. He's right I started to be there once he had already started to check out and then immediately wanted him to come around again. I have learned though that this is mostly my doing and am willing to sacrifice my feelings to regain his trust but not sure how to do that if he's not ready to see me and we live in separate states. Is this hopeless? Did I mess up that badly-beyond repair. Is there anyway of regaining his trust? Should I stop all contact and begin the painful process of moving on or continue to fight for this? I find myself w/out a condo, w/out a job and w/out the reason I gave everything up for, I am so lost...

Hi Clarity
I'm adopted too and the trauma of only discovering this now as an adult must be beyond painful. Adopted children have massive trust issues because of being abandoned. You are describing the classic cycle where we 'punish' those we love most by testing them to the limits of their endurance to see whether their love is conditional but in your case you are doing this to the man you love not your mother and this is where things have gone wrong.

Dr Harley says that all romantic love is conditional and must be conditional What's wrong with unconditional love

You also absolutely cannot 'sacrifice your feelings' to save the relationship. That way lies total disaster. You cannot change how you feel, you can only change how you act on your feelings.

Is your therapist familiar with attachment disorder and would he support you as a couple while you go through therapy together?

Welcome Dr C.

You sound like an incredibly busy woman. Lots on your plate. You've been studying a long time and have not had much time to deepen your knowledge of relationship skills.

You ask the question:


Yes, it is possible, but not very likely in your situation. Mostly because of the time/distance problem.

How well do you understand your OWN emotional needs? You've been so interested in meeting his needs, that you seem a bit 'blank' when it comes to your own.

I can think of 2 lessons which may help you.

One lesson is to take the EN questionnaire. As a way of self discovery.

Download the Q *here*

The other lesson is to read one of Dr Harley's books which helps dating couples.

LINK to Bookstore 'The One'


Describing your relationship, you wrote:

That fabulous feeling of attraction .... which you know is a brain chemistry high.
This falling in love 'high' was met with serious relationship challenges within the first 6 months. You were both so very involved in your careers, and you had sudden awareness of your adopted status ... neither of you were available to meet the needs of each other.

You are not yet aware that when you made some pretty huge personal sacrifices in order to make him happy, you were making a mistake. That's one of the lessons you will learn from the book 'The One'.
You actually cannot dispute this theory until after you've read Dr Harley's book. I am twice your age, and a retired RNP, and I had no idea how to create my (now) blissfully happy marriage of 31 years until I started studying the lessons learned here, and from the MB books. My marriage was almost destroyed by infidelity 17 years ago .... YOU have the opportunity to bring skills to your relationships that I never knew, starting out. By the way, I did not marry until I was 31 years old. You're OK.

Is it "too late" for your lost relationship? Perhaps. Perhaps not. But, it is certainly worth your while to educate yourself and prepare yourself in ways that will help you create "the right relationship" in the future. With this man, or someone else.

God Bless.
Stay sharp!

PS

Dr Clarity, I have 2 adult children. Both adopted. You will work out your feelings on this issue.

Peace!

Clarity, ITA with Pep. You WILL come to a place of peace regarding your adoption. I was 14 when I got the true story of my adoption, and it was a huge shift in my reality. It takes time to incorporate this new information in the story of You. But you will. I am sorry your mother is less than supportive of you right now.

As for your boyfriend, the distance between the two of you is not conducive to a healthy relationship. I don't know if you can repair this relationship, but please do read the information Pep linked for you. Those articles will help you, going forward.