This week, especially from Wed to Fri, after each MBR show I thought "What a great show!"

Just wanted to share that if you didn't hear them you might give them a listen when they are archived. Dr. Harley and Joyce really spent some time on filling in details of the MB plan and principles.

I agree! I thought they were great..

Radio Clip of 03-13-13 Show
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03-14-13 Show
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03-15-13 Show
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...is it just me, or have there been more 'abusive marriages' than usual on MB Radio?

I'm prolly just extra-sensitive.

I agree! We have had many more show up on the forum, too.

Dr. Harley's last letter to me said that he'd seen an increase in abusive H's in the past few years. I wonder why?

I just read an interesting book that says men are taught to either seize control ("be a man") or completely withdraw emotionally and be isolated. It's a shame we don't give men more and better relational choices. This hurts men, women and children - so sad.

Anyway, thanks Brain for posting those shows! I was on vacay and would've missed them completely otherwise!

You're welcome.

I thank you, too, Brainy, for posting them.

I wonder if there really is an increase in abusive marriages: I thought it was just my perception. Anyway, I was thinking on it and kind of wondered if it was culturally a counter reaction to the old women's liberation rhetoric, which I don't hear as much in these times. Like some men may be making sure they aren't going to get used and it doesn't matter if their wife has the "women power" stance or not, they are going to treat the wife as if they do anyway. (Like a "preemptive" strike.)

And it seems that women have become more tolerant of "that's just what men do."

Just a thought.

Interesting thought, Lifetime.

I've been doing some reading on this topic, and much of the material I've seen says that our culture 'trains' men from boyhood to be abusive and controlling, and trains women to accept abuse. Many fathers treat their sons abusively then tell them to "take it like a man." Ick. I know for me, I was conditioned to sacrifice my needs to others. Also, much of the media treats women like objects to be used, rather than as human beings deserving of respect. A couple of researchers like Paul Kivel and Lundy Bancroft have published articles and books on the 'why' of violence in our society, if you're interested.

The recession doesn't help either, I'd bet. Unemployment has hit men harder than women in the U.S., and that pill doesn't go down easy. I've also read research about increased crime and alcoholism during the Great Depression with parallels drawn to this recession. The economy can be pretty demoralizing for lots of people, and if men (generally) find a strong sense of identity and worth in their work, I suppose anger or depression would be a natural outflow of being un/under-employed.

But I DO wish the "good stories" would get told more! I'm sure there are lots of wonderful loving marriages - but they don't often write into MB Radio for help! I think I'll start googling "stories of loving marriages" for inspiration.

...and of course, it's lovely to hear the Harley's being so cute on the radio every day.

I admit I haven't looked at any research regarding this topic and thank you Zhamila for this information. I spent a lot of time just so confused that I didn't know which way to turn. I read some Lundy material earlier this year and it helped me quite a bit. I am still having problems so read a book about gaslighting yesterday. Wow what a help that one was, too! I realized I was still seeking approval, of course in vain. I haven't written here much about myself because it's not a safe venue for me to do so. Not because of the posters, but because my xH can read it.

The good stories are told from the parents to their children and since they are truly living life, they spend more time with each other than in writing on forums. It's a great gift that Dr. Harley and Joyce spend their work time telling their story of a great marriage. Also it's a great gift of MelodyLane, BrainHurts, SugarCane, PepperBand, and so many others to give the same with their time. Seeing as how I don't believe there's a different way to have one, I take theirs to be the same in other great marriages. The thing that can't be done is to convince a spouse that refuses to be convinced that this way is the way to true fulfillment, no matter how many good stories are told. When the prize of a mutually fulfilling marriage is not a prize at all to someone, one is hard pressed to get them onboard. And the more you try to show them with a plan A, the more they want from your plan A, both in effort and longevity.

We at least know that about 20% of marriages are great stories and I would rather die alone than to not have a great marriage. I know it's possible, so if I ever begin to think about dating, I will hold out for the best treatment.

So sorry you aren't free to post, LL! That stinks.

I read that gaslighting book you recommended - it was good!

I am grateful too for all the posters with wonderful marriages - they are inspiring.


You are totally reading my mind here, LL! I wrote the Harleys about this today: given the low probability of success (20%), and the fact that men aren't as "partner-oriented" as women (said on the radio yesterday) is it even worth it to try marriage at all? I hope they answer (even though my letter was a bit pessimistic).

I also laugh about that 20% thing...my mom finally found happiness in marriage on her 5th try. So I guess that's ONE way to prove the 20% statistic!

Maybe it's worth dating, and let the question of marriage come after!


I had two simultaneous reactions to this:


AND

"Eek, I just wouldn't want to do it that way!"

My thoughts exactly!