I guess I'll just jump into the issue but just a little background. I have been with my husband 2 years and it's been rough. We have been to 2 marriage counselors and have split up 3 times. We continue to have the same problem. When we have a disagreement I want to talk about it and work it out. He wants to forget about it. He will either not respond or say things like I don't know what your talking about. I then try for hours sometimes days to understand why he does this with almost every little problem. I'll walk away and give him space and then go back later but it's the same response and he never comes to me to try and resolve anything. I will eventually get extremely upset because he won't talk to me or he'll act like he has no clue what I'm talking about and then he will start calling me crazy because I'm getting so upset. I have told him over and over that I hate being ignored but he does it anyways. I don't get how someone can be that hurtful if they care about you. Why does he continue to ignore me and refuse to deal with any problems at all? It seems like he just wants to pretend like everything is perfect, and for the most part things are good and we usually get along, but about twice a month for 2-3 days we do this dance and it seriously is making me rethink my decision to marry him. Any help would be great. Thanks

ARe you married, Bertoliann? Did you live together before marriage?

Welcome to Marriage Builders

In order for you to achieve the most benefit from this site, please read and learn Dr Harley's *** BASIC CONCEPTS ***

We really appreciate paragraphs. No paragraphs = eye strain.

We are married and we did live together for about a year before we got married.

Have you read the Basic Concepts yet?
Do you have any questions about things such as The Love Bank? Love Busters?

Once you have read the concepts, we can help you find ways to use them to improve your marriage.

This is a pretty rough start to a 2-year marriage.
Is your husband willing to learn about MB?

TRANSLATION:
"Traditional marriage counseling did not do diddley-squat for our marriage skills."

TRANSLATION:
"I'm right, H is wrong."

TRANSLATION:
Your H is as exasperated with this pointless circular fighting as you are!

TRANSLATION:
"I'm like a starving dog chewing on a bone. I won't let go."

TRANSLATION:
"I try the same things over and over and over and over .... and the results are always the same .... so I do it again."

TRANSLATION:
"Both of us are exasperated and frustrated and neither of us knows how to break this cycle of disrespect."

TRANSLATION:
"I think my H is hearing impaired."

TRANSLATION:
"I make love busters, and H withdraws."

BOTH OF YOU ARE WEARING PROTECTIVE ARMOR. YOURS IS VERBAL ARMOR, HIS IS NON-VERBAL ARMOR. You are both saying the same thing .... if you actually paid attention to the real message. "Stop love-busting me."



Start by counting the hurtful things you do & say. You want to draw H towards you, yes?

Because you approach him the same way time & time again ... no doubt you are very much articulate at naming his flaws for him. Am I incorrect? You can change this, but you must be willing to change yourself, and stop love busting.



I'm pretty sure your H is not mentally incompetent, which is what you are implying. I bet 2 donuts your H knows damn well things are not perfect, but he does not have a clue how to make things better. I bet 3 donuts, your H would love to have a relationship with you where he felt safe to express himself and safe to make love bank deposits in YOUR love bank.



This is why I see so much good potential here. You are both probably very good people.



I'm sure your H has the same doubts.

What work/changes are you willing to do/make in order to CREATE a wonderful marriage?

It begins with you.
Why?
Because you are here.

I agree with most of what you have said but I will not become one of those people that just lets everything go and pretends like nothings wrong which is what he does. I have read some of the ideas on this web site and most of it sounds good but some of it makes me cringe. The POJA is almost laughable to me since my husband never gives me a straight forward answer. I mean it I'm not exagerrating. When a decision needs to be made he rarely even has input. It's like he has checked out so that if theres a mistake he doesn't have to take responsibility. He parents like that also but has come a long way as far as disipling his children goes. It includes tiny things like if I ask him what he wants for dinner he returns my question with another question. What do I want for dinner. What do you want to do, no what do you wnat to do. I have never dealt with any one this passive. But I also end up punished for making the wrong decision. He is extremely passive aggressive. I am just out right aggressive. I have in the past toned it down because he said that that was the reason why he shuts down but it made no difference. I could give him a week of space and talk as calmly as if I'm talking to a baby and he won't respond and he won't talk. I am willing to try a different way but I'm not willing to live in his denial or avoidance. If we had to follow the POJA nothing would ever get done. He has taken a backseat in life and I can deal with it for most things just not when it concerns our marriage.

He has kids outside this marriage?

Paragraphs much appreciated. Thanks.

I asked a question.

I asked a question.

He has 3 children and I have 4 children. We had completely different parenting styles as most people do. I have always had rules and schedules in place so that I didn't go nuts and he pretty much allowed his kids to do anything. Now I understand that it can be easier to let kids have lots of freedom but I didn't want his kids sleeping with us or running around the house at midnight and he has totally gotten on board with this and has allowed me to change the rules in his house. I have been the driving force behind it and at times was resentful but realize that he was ok with how it was so if I wanted it to change I had to change it. I don't know if it was the right thing to do but his kids even seem like they are happier, definetly less tired, and more helpful.

Sorry I get distracted easily. In response to your question. I am willing to do pretty much anything to make this work. I think there aren't very many things in our relationship that make it hard at this point since we have overcome a crazy amount of differences already. I will change and do just about anything I just don't know what I can do outside of conventional things that I've already tried. I have limits obviously as most people do.

Were both of you divorced when you met each other?
How old are your kids? His kids? Which kids live with you?

I have tons of questions. I didn't even realize what this sight really was until after I posted. I just started reading some of the stuff this morning. We had another one of our fights yesterday and thats when I decided to try and find something on the web. I really don't know anything about this except for the little I've read. I will keep reading though.

We both were married before but none of our kids are from our marriages. Neither of us married our childrens other parent. My children are 13, 12, 10 and 6. His are 12, 8 and 5. All of them are boys except his 8 year old is a girl. All of them are with us full time except my 13 year old.

Do you love your H more today than when you married? And, would you say H loves you more as well?

The point of the MB Basic concepts is to have both spouses in love with each other.
This does not imply or promise a problem-free marriage. But, once both spouses are on board, MB does teach us ways to create a mutually compatible lifestyle in which you are both in love with each other.

I'm exhausted just reading this !

But, it's probably a lot of fun at times.

EEK- I may sound horrible but I feel like I truely love him when we are getting along but when we fight I wish I had never met him and that if I had a way to leave I would in an instant. I explain it like when we get along I make plans in my head with him and when we don't I start excluding him from those plans. I think he loves me. But sometimes I feel like he's just with me because he's comfortable with the situation. If I left I don't think it would be long before he replaced me. I'm pretty sure that he loves me though.

Yeah, it's not your ordinary forum where everyone just posts their gripes and their complaints. We actually have "game plans" that we talk about.

Welcome aboard.
I hope you read a lot more before you pass judgment on MB standards such a POJA. You really don't know enough about it at this time to formally object!

It's took me a lot of time to get a solid handle on the concepts .... without all those kids running around.

It's def hard a lot of the time especially since they all take turns fighting but when they are getting along we have a blast. I appreciate my quiet days a lot more now that's for sure.

That's why you're here.
Because you are here and he is not, we begin with you.
Once you stop posting all about H's flaws and shortcomings, you will be making progress.

This is not to say H is not equally culpable for the distressing disintegration of your M .... but, change begins with you.