Hello all.<P>So it's been seven weeks since I discovered H's affair. He cut it off immediately, expressed and continues to express extreme remorse, and we've been going to counseling. We've been about six times. We're communicating extremely well, we're trying very hard to be honest, and to be kind, and we have a fantastic marriage now, almost like a second honeymoon. I'm not feeling all that bitter, I've definitely forgiven him, and I believe that he will never cheat again. I have pangs of sadness every once in awhile, but that's natural.<P>So... when is there "enough" therapy? We continue to go, and I don't want to stop prematurely, but I'm wondering if it's necessary now? What do you think?

Marlo, It's been 9 months now since I discovered my husband's affair. I felt the same way you describe in the few to several weeks after the discloser, my husband cut all ties immediately also and we were totally communicating, completely open and honest and were honeymoon like, etc. We continue to be doing very well in all these things, but I believe that what you are feeling right now is such relief because you are reaching out to each other and giving so much to each other and feeling intense love, etc. I forgave him (for the most part)immediately, but there seems to be phases of the whole recovery process. You are at the very beginning. As time wore on for me, I started to get very angry and the hurt intensified as the reality of it all seemed to really sink in. I still struggle with days of intense hurt and pain, yet I can go long periods of time and be fine. You'll hear the term "rollercoaster ride" a lot here. That's the best way to describe it. Right now you both are feeling strong feelings of love and determination to rebuild. That is great and will be what keeps it all together, but I would say to expect the other phases to come along shortly. I didn't even start to really feel grief until a few months into it and some days of intense desire for revenge on the OW. Expect anger, and grief and hurt to come in to play here. I stronly believe there's a whole process of emotions to go through....just don't forget where you are now as a couple and cling to that and each other as the next phases come. It does me a world of good to talk out my feelings, so continue counseling as long as you feel you need that and this site is excellent therapy, because we all have been there and someone who hasn't can never give you all you need. Sorry so long, good luck. Izzy

Izzy, thank you. I enjoy long replies, actually!<P>Regarding therapy, I had these same feelings about taking Prozac. I felt pretty decent after about three months, and I thought "I don't really need this, and it's expensive." But our marriage counselor recommended I keep taking it, because there could be bumpy emotional roads ahead.<P>Thank you for the advice, I believe you are correct that things could start coming up for me. I really do feel relieved that we're staying together. But now that I think about the first affair, I didn't get really pissed about that until several months later. But at that time, I didn't really let it all out after the truth hit the fan. I feel like I'm doing that now, and have been doing it since the discovery of the second affair.<P>Oh jeez, this is all so very complicated and confusing, and it's hard to chart a course of action. I'm always so damn logical that I override my feelings, and I want everything to proceed in a logical sequence.<P>

Hi again, the fact that this is his 2nd affair and you've only been married three years, I highly recommend extended counseling. I would be afraid of him having a serious problem with this and real, true commitment. I'm assuming there are no children involved here....once children come along you could have more problems meeting each other's needs, etc. Unfortunately, as wonderful as parenthood is, there's a lot of changes a child brings into a relationship. <BR>I don't think I could handle another round of this. He needs to really get a handle on himself, and you need keep those eyes open. The addiction aspect of these danged affairs really worry me. I've told my husband he and our family are worth giving this second chance, but that's it. He ever does it again and he's lost everything. How anyone thinks it's worth risking in the first place is beyond my comprehension. <BR>Hope I'm not being too harsh.....just don't be too quick and easy to accept it all...it's unacceptable behavior, yet we are required to be forgiving. It sure is very confusing isn't it? As my husband told me the other night in one of our discussions, "please just keep putting one foot in front of the other, we'll take it one day at a time." Izzy

Yes, it is HUGELY confusing. It wacks me out, how I can vacillate between being all doey-eyed in love with him, to not trusting him, to coming up with all the reasons for why he'd want to cheat on me, to hating him, to loving him again. AAAAAAAHHHH!<P>I read a wonderful book called "Not With My Husband You Don't". It's sort of tongue-in-cheek, but it has lots of good advice for how to keep your husband off balance, so he never feels like he knows you well enough to get away with an affair. Tom knew I was reading it, and I'd share little tid bits with him, and when I was done I told him he'd never be able to get away with an affair again. We laugh about it, but he knows I'm serious, too. And he also knows, because I've told him, that I'm quite capable of living on my own and eventually finding happiness, and that if he EVER screws around again, I am gone. He knows there are consequences. <P>Yep Izzy, I think you're right. I agree that we should keep going to counseling at least for several months. He was totally whining about it when we started, but he's getting better about it. He thought it was all about going in and having the counselor tell him how bad he was and that he did something wrong. Well duh. We already knew that. It's about finding out WHY he did it, and what needs to change so he doesn't do it again.<P>And then of course, there's that little nagging voice in my head, the one that says once a cheater, always a cheater, maybe he's just one of those types of men, I won't ever be able to trust him, look in the mirror and I can see why he'd want to cheat, blah blah blah. I get tired of that voice.<P>We don't have any kids. We don't want any kids. We want to give birth to a bouncing baby jet ski!<P>