Hello, I need advice on how to trust my wife. History of lies and hiding things from me go back since we first got married 12 years ago. I know everyone tells lies now and then. It was first about money and material things. Now I simply believe that she does not love me. She says she does but her actions speak for themselves by being inconsiderate about my feelings. We have been arguing a lot lately and its getting worse. I tell her that I feel that she is pushing me away by not respecting my feelings and by doing things that hurts our relationship. She just does not seem to care. Right now she says that she doesn't know if she wants to be married to me. I do believe that. Is there any way we can save our marriage. We have 2 grade school kids at home and I think it is effecting them.

Lots of newbies with the same writing style. Very interesting .........

I think this might be the husband of mel9433. Welcome to Marriage Builders, basketball.

Both you and your wife have some serious lovebusting behaviors. You with angry outbursts and her with independent behavior. I realize she has boundary issues with her male coworkers that is very upsetting to you. But when she does that, it is very important to not have an angry outburst.

Are you and your wife familiar with the book, Lovebusters? I would start with that book and follow the lessons in it.

Your wife has been here for some time and I am sorry you folks have not ever used the program. Check this out: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

Not in a healthy marriage. There should be no lies in marriage and if there is, there is something very wrong. That is a problem to be solved, not something that should be accepted.

Thank you. I can not solve the problem myself and the way we communicate is very frustrating to me. yes i do have angry outburst and she does aswell. I very much agree with unhealthy marriage and I don't like it. I want to go to church more often but she doesn't seem to want to.

I think church is a great idea, but you still have a marriage problem that needs to be solved. When you have angry outbursts, you make the problem almost impossible to solve. Do you want to solve the problem?

Yes Melanie...this is my husband.

yes...i would like to solve the problem or promblems

yes...i would like to solve the problem...how?

Follow Dr. Harley's program to its full extent.

If you both do this your problems should go away and you'll have a better M than before.

But you have to do ALL the parts of the program. You can't incorporate this piece or that piece and hope for a better M. Also it doesn't work well with only one spouse as a participant. It can be done but it's far better when both partners are on board.

The best thing to do is to get yourself a MB coach to guide you through the program. This requires some financial commitment.

Task #1 for you two. Stop fighting long enough to agree that you want a happy, healthy M and that you�ll do whatever it takes to make that happen.
Task #2. Because you two seem to be at each other�s throats I�d strongly encourage you to get some help in following the program. As posters we can help but we�re not your best option.

Start by stopping all lovebusters and taking her complaints seriously. NO MORE ANGRY OUTBURSTS. For example, she is upset about the string on the back door and wants that fixed. Are you listening to her complaints and fixing this stuff? [or getting it fixed?]

A complaint is an opportunity for improvement in a good marriage and an irritant in a bad marriage. Instead of telling her has to do XY or Z to get stuff fixed, I would fix it. And if you aren't working, I would strongly suggest that you keep up the house and fix dinner. Doing that will go a long way in meeting her needs.

Do you have the book, Lovebusters?

On a "Surviving an Affair" thread you asked a question:

Unless you are dealing with a spouse who is actively in an affair, why do you ask?

The answer is both. The betrayed spouse in Plan A uses a carrot to draw a wayward spouse closer, and the stick to make the adultery most uncomfortable. Both at the same time.
If there is no affair, you do not need Plan A.

Also, I had an injury at ..... I got laid off ...... I had to battle the workmans comp. insurance for treatment and benefits. My ...... still bothers me and I would say since I have little energy I have depression..I get very little empathy from my wife. Seems as if she just dont care. I go back to the orthopedic surgeon on...... and will probably have to decide if need surgury. She says i am not filling up her love banks by not working on the house. I do dishes and fix breakfasts for the kids and keep the woodburner going but other than that I am not happy with my our marriage or myself.

The last that I recall...we were at menards and we were gonna wait until we got our tax check...All i ask of her is to go with me to help pick it out and maybe a little help....

I am new at this and i finally found the article to read about plan a...I asked because i didnt understand

I will have to ask her about the book love busters...i dont think we have it...I do things around the house change the oil in her car ...fix supper...run the kids...fix water heater...cut firewood....her complaints dont make since to me cause i do that stuff...caulk the window....she brings this stuff up when i have a problem with her otherwise she likes me being home cause it takes at load off of her...

I want to thank you all for the advice..

Why was a swat team at your house? Why did you do jail time?

I will need to explain to him that we don't belong with Plan A...we are marriage building, not surviving infidelity.

Do the rules apply here as well that you all prefer we stay off each others threads?

I will stay off now...just wanted to help clear up his confusion.

Yes. Stay off his thread.


And if you can't help yourself, set him on ignore so you can't see his posts.


You are more likely to argue with him than anything, since you are both likely in conflict/withdrawal.

That won't repair your marriage.