I just found out today that my DH has been talking to multiple women via text. I have never heard of any of these women. He says they are only friends and he was forced to make friends behind my back because I am so "controlling". I do not see myself as controlling though it is true that I asked him before not to text random women that he just met unless its a friend you've introduced to me.

I called a few of the women. Two texted back to say that they had no idea that he was married. One said that she worked with his company and that he 'found' her number via friends. He initiated the texts. The texts are very frequent, about 10 per day for weeks. I only found out because I found a strange email to a girl I didn't know and they were talking about movies they loved. This other girl turned out to be his intern. He says they only talk about work and music, but he also texts the intern 5 times a day during evenings, weekends, etc.

I just don't believe his stories about all these women (4 to 5) just being friends. How come I never met any of them? How come they didn't know he was married? Wouldn't a friend know that someone was married esp. if they've been texting daily for weeks? How does that not come up?

DH says I am delusional, that I've created stories in my head. I asked him to leave and he did very easily. He changed his phone number already and told me never to contact him again. He says he will sign all papers when he comes for his stuff. He already started a facebook account with all these models, and old girl pals on it. I found the page tonight.

He blames me for everything. I feel stupid and depressed. I really loved this man. We had been fighting a lot, but I thought we'd work it out. The fighting started over Xmas when he supposedly went over a friends house and fell asleep. No calls, phone was dead. He came home at 11am the next day. His friend validated his story...but I never trusted it.

Now I am here. I can't sleep. I'm too depressed. I feel like my whole life has changed in an instant. And this man who I loved, supported financially for years while he was in school,...just totally discarded me in one day. I emailed him about my feelings, and he threatened to put an order against me. He says to never email him again.

I'm really sad. I just wanted to get it out.

How long married? Any kids?

Hi SadCantSleep, so sorry for your pain.

Sounds like he has been gaslighting you and cheating for a while. Calling you delusional and blaming you is a classic strategy to deflect attention from his disgusting actions. It stinks to have someone 'fool' you like that (I can relate), and I'm very sorry.

At this point I can only encourage you that you will be MUCH better off without this thoughtless, adulterous, abusive man in your life. Healing will come, and you'll be be much happier.

You might consider joining a DivorceCare group at a local church. They are very helpful support groups where you can get the IRL support you need.

(((SadCantSleep)))

Thanks for the replies!

We were married 2.5 years and we have no children together (thank god).

The hardest part is that he doesn't see what he is doing wrong. I feel my expectations about being honest and open about friendships is normal in any marriage. He says that he doesn't need to tell me anything because 'I am not the boss of him'. I said, I am not your boss, but I am your wife and I have a right to ask questions.

He accuses me of emotional abuse, but I think you are right Zhamila---he is the abuser. He was so emotionally abusive that my parents (who are divorced) and haven't talked in years began to talk (without me knowing) about how they could intervene. His parents staged an intervention in December and he promised to change. It did not last.

He has always said that I 'created these stories' in my mind and that I am crazy. I have solid examples for issues that I raise and moreover, our families witnessed his actions for themselves (without me saying a word). My son (from a prior relationship) is 16 and has not spoken to DH in 6 months because he believes (which he told me in confidence) that DH treats me like 'crap'. This texting incident was the last straw. I have a responsibility to demand more respect for myself as a mother, and also I do not want to teach my son that treating women like this is OK. Its not the sort of family environment that I would want for my son.

Right now I still feel really hurt, betrayed, stupid, naive. I look forward to the day when I realize it was all for the best.

I felt the same way, like I was stupid. But in fact, abusers are a cunning breed, capable of winning the affections of all but the highly trained. You are NOT stupid! You believe in having a great marriage and tried to stick it out - even after others were staging interventions. Abuse is so crazy-making, it's very difficult to see from the inside. Feel free to read my thread over on MB101: I myself am surprised by how long it took me to realize what was really going on. Our culture is also really good at teaching us that we should accept the unacceptable. Marriage Builders has given me a voice and taught me what I should be able to expect in a love relationship.

I've also found several books on abuse to be very helpful in showing me the tactics, and I am much better informed now. It's crazy that we don't teach our daughters about the #1 danger they face in life: their potential boyfriends/husbands. (not all men are like this, but the statistics on Intimate Partner Violence are pretty frightening). How could we have known, unless someone taught us what to watch out for? In fact, there are so many cultural messages that glamorize abuse + love, it's disgusting ("50 Shades of Gray" - blech).

I can't say yet that "it was all for the best" - but I am more aware, have deepened friendships because of this, and I cherish my days in a peaceful home VERY MUCH. And I got out alive. So did you.

You are a survivor, and that's a reason to CELEBRATE.