My wife is 44 years old. Our son is in college so we are empty nesters. She was a modest, even boring, dresser for most of her life, either at home, at work or going out. I suggested a few times she could go just a little racier, particularly when going out, but she used to brush me off. Then a couple years ago or so she started trying on new things -not because of me asking, since I had given up a long time ago, she just got started on her own. Make up for work (she used to even attend parties fresh-faced), slightly shorter skirts, jewelry, heels (which she always hated, she is rather tall). For a while I was just pleased with the change, I complimented her looks, and she seemed delighted.

And then at some point it began going a little too far, or at least I felt that way. Makeup became heavy, jewelry became flashy, skirts became mini, heels became really high. I commented on her choice of outfits -calmly, not making a scene or sounding judgmental- and she happily answered that she just feels great, thinks she was too shy for too long and now she wants to enjoy her body while she can (she is in great shape for her age). I have no real reason to assume she is having an affair, she is back home at the usual times, no unexpected urges to go out somewhere on weekends, and her behavior towards me has not changed, she is sweet but neither too much attentive nor snappy or angry. I know her cell phone's password and she makes no effort to hide it, and there have been no surprises with our shared bank accounts.

Last time we had friends for dinner I could not help noticing my friend -an old buddy of mine- staring at her, and being embarrassed knowing that I saw him. His own wife -a sweet happy soul who often seems clueless- chirped how great my wife looked, even made her parade a little for us guys, which was downright torture for me. After they were gone I cautiously discussed the night with her, she laughed, called me a silly jealous guy, and pointed out that my friend is not quite the prize (which is true). She says she just dressed like she always does -which is also true these days- and then admitted she notices and likes the attention. But she swore there's nothing else going on.

I have to mention that I'm older than her (54) and I pretty much settled down for a beer belly and t-shirt look, so I admit I am feeling a little insecure about the rather obvious contrast with her. She has never said a thing about how I dress or how I look, and for a long time she dressed the same way although she has always been slim.

So where do I stand now? Should I be happy knowing I have an attractive wife who loves to dress up and perhaps be a bit of a flirt, or am I a naive old guy who is losing his wife to somebody else (I can't even begin to imagine who) and is doing nothing to prevent it? Is there anybody here who has gone through a similar situation?

Sloppy joe, jealousy is a natural reaction to a threat in marriage. You rightly perceive that your friend is attracted to your wife, which could be dangerous. My suggestion would be to quietly lose him. Just back away from him. I bet your wife feels uneasy with that kind of attention too.

What you can do to protect your marriage is to make sure your wife is in love with you. If you and your wife are not spending 15+ hours per week meeting each others intimate emotional needs, then your marriage is in trouble. If that is the case, I would focus on changing that. Since you have no children at one, it should be easy for you two to get in 3-4 dates per week.

That is the best thing you can do to protect your marriage. Get the book Fall in Love, Stay in Love and the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love and follow that program. There is a worksheet in the back of the book for scheduling undivided attention that you should learn to use religiously.

P.s. and why not clean up your appearance? Go get a nice haircut, new shirts and some nice cologne. You can get some nice button up shirts at a department store that will cover up a beer belly. Go to a good department store and ask for some help in the men's department. Can you lose the belly?

P.p.s I would also explain to her that flirting is very upsetting. That is very UNHAELTHY marriage behavior. Flirting is a form of courting.

Thanks, Melody. Maybe I didn;t explain myself well (hard to tell who you are in a single post!) but I'm not particularly concerned about my friend falling for her. I just mentioned it because it was the episode that made me think I need to take action -whichever it is. That night my wife did not say or do anything that can be labeled as "deliberate flirting". True, every woman knows that no man can resist stealing a glance at a high hemline, and I understand that is a way of flirting, but nothing different from what she wears when she goes to work -where I do not have the slightest idea what she does or how her coworkers react (there are men and women in her office).

Upping my appearance is good advice. I have no justification for letting myself go other than the usual excuses -too much work, too little time, etc. Whether it's the right time for that or too late, only time will tell.

Dd you read what I said about spending time together?

Well, yes, she did. She put herself on display for the other woman's husband. It wasn't for you; you've seen her in 'all her glory' for years. I am appalled that the other wife was that ignorant of the dangerous activity she was encouraging.
His wife very ignorantly encouraged your wife in a very dangerous activity: she encouraged your wife to parade herself in front of her husband. Your wife should have demurred, yet she did not.

This should give you no reassurance:
I wish I had a nickel for every poster who has come to this site, stunned because their spouse was eyeballs-deep in an affair with a total loser. (Even "losers" as once defined by their formerly faithful spouse.)Take no comfort from her comment that this guy is no 'prize'.

SloppyJoe, I'm not saying your wife is having an affair. I'm saying that it is the better part of valor to look at possibilities in your life and remove the ones that threaten your marriage.

First? Distance yourself from the dinner friends. They are doubly dangerous to your marriage because the wife is obviously ignorant of the dangers of flirting and actually encouraged it by her ham-handed suggestion that your wife should display herself to HER husband.

Second: Clean up your act, friend. Lack of time is not an excuse. You need to MAKE the time to continue being attractive to your wife. Your marriage is your FIRST priority, or should be. Do what it takes to keep your marriage vital. Excess weight? Drop it. Wearing ragged flannel shirts and beat-up jeans? Get some new clothes. My husband wears my favorite cologne for me on weekends when it's just the two of us, because he knows I love that scent on him. It's a simple act of love for me and I love it. What can you do for your wife that she would love?

I see that Mel is covering the critical importance of spending UA time together, so I won't double up on that. Bottom line: Make the health of your marriage your priority.

The word "intuition" comes from the root word, "tuere" which means "to guard, to protect." Since your intuition is there to protect you, you shouldn't disregard it. You intuition is alerting you to a threat related to your wife's changed appearance.

Something seems off because something is off. You are not imagining things.

Does your wife have a close "friendship" with a male colleague at work? Are you doing any electronic snooping?

You feel uncomfortable with the changes (and escalations in the behavior) you see in your wife. You really should address it with her and clearly explain your expectations.

The attention she's obviously getting is addictive unto itself. Plug in a persistent hound dog whose attention she readily accepts and encourages, and it could go downhill very quickly. I believe she's walking on a very slippery slope, and believe you're feeling the same way, hence your discomfort with her behavior.


If you read through a few posts here, you'll see the infidelity diet is quite effective and is usally good for a good 30-40 pounds over a couple-of-months period. I definitely DO NOT recommend this diet.

Talk to your wife. Seriously.

As for dress and grooming I highly recommend the book The Art of Manliness.
Throw away all of your t shirts and dress like a gentleman.
There are guidelines in the book and on their website.
And as Melody suggested, be clean shaven and fresh haircut.

Thanks everybody for your advice. I don't think I'm ready for the electronic surveillance thing. I'm not saying it's not justified or ineffective, it's just... not me. If I ever find she was indeed onto something, you have all the right to say "we told you so, dummy".

I sure do not want to lose the pounds out of infidelity arguments... I'm hoping for the more traditional, healthier gym / diet combo. And sure enough, pay more attention to her. It's not that I ignore her, glued to the TV or drenched in booze. That's not me. But if I had to recall when was the last time I got her flowers outside of Valentine, or took her dancing, I will be at a loss. I understand there's lots of room for improvement there.

The "male colleague at work" thing is a permanent thorn in my side, and one the reasons I am posting these questions. Not because there is any guy in particular -if there is one I don't know him, and I have no specific clues. But she is one of the most senior persons in an office packed with late 20s and early 30s of both sexes. A while ago I would simply thought that a conservative lady always in career pants and blouse was at zero risk there (actually the issue didn't even cross my mind). But now that she can compete with the other girls I can't help thinking that if one of the younger guys finds her attractive, I simply don't have a shot at matching his physical appearance, no matter how many hours I spend with the barbells. Oh well.

SJ-

Get your s--t together before its too late. Too many of us would kill to have seen the warning signs before its too late.

Take this opportunity to drop some lbs and work the good stuff of this program like insuring you get a lot alone, quality, sans TV, romantic time together.

I dont see any problem with her dolling herself up and maybe its just to make her feel good about herself. I would take the time to hit the salad bar and lay off the beer a bit, if I were you.

Walking with her and even excercising with her is tremendous quality time together.

Its a refreshing change for me to hear from a guy who (hopefully) caught his wife's infidelity before it happened.

Well, dude there you have it... Work on yourself and SNOOP!

You don't have to match anyone's physical appearance. You don't even have to lift barbells...unless you want to. Most people who want an attractive spouse have an issue with the extra weight.

Try eating more healthy foods and not drinking alcohol for while, avoiding restaurant meals and walking more, especially exercising with your wife.

My husband lost his excess weight and looks wonderful. He's very surprised at how great he FEELS. His energy is abundant, he never suffers indigestion problems anymore, he never snores anymore, and he looks terrific both in, and out of, clothes. He says it was so worth the effort.

You can't miss out by losing your excess weight. Your wife obviously has a renewed interest in physical appearance.

As for the other ENs, start working on her probable ENs of affection and conversation. Why not take her out dancing or some other recreational activity you would both enjoy?

SloppyJoe. If you don't fight for your wife and your marriage, someone else will. I see many in your posts. They are the same that I saw in my own FWH... Especially the flirting with a family friend. Keep an eye on that one. Do you ever look at the phone logs?

You have a major advantage over those boy toys because YOU are the one that she married. Step up and be the man she fell in love with.

Don't discount the snooping. That is the only way you will know if some POSOM is assaulting your marriage unless you prefer to wait for your DW to ask for a divorce to find out. That is also a sure fire way to find out but may be too late at that point.

All the highlights in the key word. Thanks, man.

Already making plans for a surprise dancing weekend... let's hope it will work.

send flowers to her office today. no reason.