I don't know if you have used this type of language with your W but I would advise you not to. As the XW of a serial cheater, I can tell you this would bother me. EA, PA, just starting to cross the line, it honestly doesn't matter much (not to me anyway). You also said something about the affairs being "symptoms" of problems in the M to Dr Harley. Again, I would advise you to knock that kind of talk off. That is only going to anger your W even more.

You stepped outside the marriage numerous times over the years and lied to your W about it for 10 years. The lies are the most painful part of betrayal. Just because you have very recently come clean doesn't minimize the damage that has done.

Your W obviously feels tricked into staying in an abusive marriage that it sounds like she was very unhappy in. It did not surprise me at all to hear her emphasize the words "controlling" and "manipulating" regarding you in her email to Dr Harley.

I am sorry that you are frustrated that she hasn't responded better to your efforts to recover the marriage but in my view, just from the way that you sound on this thread, I wouldn't be surprised if you are continuing to use language that contains DJs with her. It may take a very long PLAN A for you to get her to warm up to you.

You said that you are doing Plan A, but it sounds like what is happening is a lot of talk to try to convince her to come back to the marriage. That is DJ. Trying to get her to see things from your POV, trying her to get her to do things you want her to do, trying to straighten her out in any way is a DJ. This the opposite of what you want to be doing.

Since you have limited conversations with her, you should be trying to make the pleasant and be avoiding relationship talk. I have more Plan A advice that was given to me all the way back when I got here in 2007 and my xH was living outside the home that I can share if you would like it.

I agree that your W should tell you where she is staying with the children and also be willing to work out some type of a schedule with you regarding visitation -- but that you have a right to know where the children are "located at all times"?

In separation and D, at least in my state, during the time the child is with the other parent, they are not under an obligation to tell the other where the child is "at all times". I don't think I have ever heard another divored/divorcing person use that language. It sounds controlling. Again, the opposite of what you should be doing.

Some good clips.

Radio Clip
Radio Clip

Tell us what you think.

There is no such thing as "legal" seperation in Texas. If there is a divorce decree in effect then yes I would not have the right to know where they are "at all times" when the child is with the other parent. We have no decree. (she has never once stated she intends to D...only seperate) I don't think I've made that clear in this thrread, but that is also what she stated in her email.

I have not been talking relationship with my W since she left, nor do I intend to. Just very anxious to know where my babies are at this point...so much I feel the need to involve law enforcement to locate them. No friends or family have responded to knowing there where abouts.

H and W relationship is on the back burner at this point.

Thanks SusieQ I will take any help I can get to avoid misteps. I have not been talking relationship nor using any language to catagorize my PA's vs EA's to my wife.

Below is our text exchange regarding our children last night and this morning. I expect to hear very bad things (especially MelodyLane), but fire away:

Me 3/20 9:23pm: I would appreciate your giving me a call to discuss our children as you stated you would.

Me 3/20 10:44pm ok - i respect your right to do what you feel is best for your healing and own well being. I've consulted with Bishop [our church Pastor} tonight, Sheila today, and spent an hour visiting with an attorney after leaving Sloan regarding the whereabouts of C***** (DS 5yr) and V**** (DD 1yr). As the father of the children I have not only a legal right but also a responsibility to know where my biological minor children are located at all times. I didn't want to seemingly force any issue but they all suggest I do so.

Her 3/21 7:45am Our children are safe with me. They are sleeping well. Eating well. They are very happy. As I said yesterday, I am sure we can work something out that is agreeable to both you and in their best interest. I especially do not want our children to grow up with out the love and attention from their father. I just want it all to be positive energy. We can talk about it later today. I can just still hear you calling them distractions and saying the devil is using them and demanding they stay in separate rooms from us with teeth gritted. I just don't want that negative energy around them. I am sure you understand.

Me 3/21 8:08am Thanks for responding. Sheila [the therapist]communicated that it's very important that we not talk relationship in any form (past, present, or future) that has not been strictly defined. Especially by text. So I can't respond to what you imply that I understand. I hope you understand that needing to see my children has nothing to do with our relationship. I look forward to pleasantly and safely discussing an arrangement to see them at some point today. I love you

Her 8:10'ish 3/21 I will contact you later today

I don't think you understood my point.

Help me SusieQ. Perhaps I'm jaded about having not seen my children since Tuesday AM after seeing them daily since the very moment they were born and knowing they are looking for me as they always have every morning and evening when we arrive home. Help me...

Does she have an iphone with a phone finder on it?

If you are refering to Family Tracker she did until Tuesday. She removed her phone from being tracked and also removed her number from our family account. Expecting a large contract cancellation fee as result. Do you mean something different?

I did track her during the time period as the large sums of money were being shifted in our bank accounts. I have very good idea of where she may be residing, but I'm not even entertaining the thought of going there. It's only 2 miles from our house if my suspicions are correct.

Hopefully she will let you see the kids today. I will just tell you she is making a huge mistake by withholding your kids. That infuriates most judges. Texas judges are not very tolerant of such shenanigans.

I would be prepared to insist on a visitation schedule and the ability to call your kids. You do have a right to know where they are.

My point was instead of using language that sounds like you are demanding to be told where your children are "at all times" that you instead approach her about working out a visitation schedule and have her tell you where she is staying with the children. I think you will get further with her that way.

Had my xWH used language with me like that ie "I have a right and responsibility to know where my children are located AT ALL TIMES" to be honest it would have pissed me off.

Thank you Melody. I really, really hope I see them today. I'm almost at wits endAll of this is precisely what the attorneys said on yesterday. I'm documenting all exchanges if God forbid we have to go before a judge.

Susie those weren't my words. I was simply relaying the rights communicated to me by the family lawyer and marital counselor of 40+ years. I really desire to be civil, very gentle, and not make demands but it's very difficult to seperate the issues of our marriage from seeing my babies. That's why I was hesitant to press the issue like most have advised me to do.

Please follow Susie's suggestions about making demands. If you make demands, she might go on the defensive. Hopefully, this works out today! She is making serious mistakes right now.

Where is it you think she's at? With family?

She has an apartment about 2-3 miles from our house. I am almost certain of the exact the property. It's gated with a guard box. My son saw her driving on his way to bible study last night. He states she turned onto the road that takes her to the complex. His 19th birthday was Monday and he is very very upset. He's a Sr in HS with 2 months until graduation. They were very close. He's my biological.

Going to see my babies today!

Good for you!!

Well we did Chuck E Cheese with the kiddos tonight and had an emotional but GREAT time with them. My W brought her SIL along for she calls "accountability". I wouldn't be honest if I said it didn't bother me. Not because my W wanted accountability (not even sure what that means) but it's the fact that I watched my SIL on my web enabled security cameras taking belongings out of my house on Tuesday. I've bailed this SIL in law out of soooo many bad situations that I've lost count. I've come to her rescue when she totaled vehicles, gotten them reposessed, lended her money when she needed it, allowed her take residence in our home a few times, and let her drive the vehicle that I purchased for my son to drive to and from school...etc, etc, etc. But this was about my kiddos...wasn't it?! I didn't get a read on my W. I only said a few words to her. I made the most of playing games and chasing my babies around. The emotional part came as I was putting them in their car seats, my DS (5) started asking if I and his older brother would be at the "old house". Then he asked if we were going to come to the "new house". I said gently 'I don't know. The he said in his sweet little voice "you should...you know you can come by anytime". I nearly lost it at that point. I got them buckled in and darted immediatly to my vehicle. Once I got going I sent a text to my W simply saying "thank you". Then I sent another text saying "sorry for darting off, but I didn't want to get all emotional after C**** (DS)'s line of questioning. She later replied "I understand. Thanks for making it a pleasant evening". I can at least exhale for now having seen my children. She mentioned doing something for our traditional Triple-F (Friday family fun) so my oldest can join us tomorrow. We'll see

That's great!! What at your next steps?