Pepperband this was sooo needed. I never thought I would need to pray the 23rd Psalms...but it became very real and appropriate for the way I've been feeling.

((( BIG HUGS )))

W attended therapy with me today for the 1st time since our session 3 weeks ago. When the therapist asked what she could help us with today my W said that she thought it would be good to have a 3rd party assist us with understanding where we are...that being headed for D. Crushed me to hear it. I then voiced what I thought would be helpful and that is work toward healing our marriage. I went into how I figured out what my personal issues were and vowed to never put our relationship in a situation like that again...as I now have accountability and a real system in place.(None of what MB recommends - but I think we are way off that track for the forseeable future). My W stated that she "heard" me, but is not willing to allow herself to come back and risk being hurt again. She insisted that we just be the best people we can be apart for our children. Which by the way I still don't know where they attend school/daycare. After our session I asked if I could spen time with them today and mentioned how I saw them Saturday my DS baseball game and on Sunday - she brought them over for dinner and an Easter egg hunt at our house.

I can't beleive how much of a mess I made to be in this situation where she consistently communicates there is no hope whatsoever. I thought today would be different. We are scheduled to meet with a mediator on Monday for a free consulation to possible assist us in dealing with our home and children visitation issues. My faith is being tested beyond beleive. I need to know that something will change somehow and not continue to feel worse. I hope that God does what he promises and restores us. This is a scary place

Ummm. I am requesting to be smacked around a little bit for my thoughts of even considering pulling a FG and entertaining the notion of "moving on" to single life. I am the former serial WH for Pete's sake! FG's plight was almost justified...right? Lash away!

An affair, revenge or otherwise, is NEVER justified. There are reasons for affairs but there is never an excuse for one.

Don't you want to give your marriage your best effort? Don't you think your wife and children deserve to have the best husband and the best father you could be?

Sure it's easy to throw in the towel and "move on" to the single life. Your wife would, at that time, realize she doesn't mean dog poop to you. And how will your "moving on" benefit you?

You will get a few ENs met in the short term, but this will not make you a better man. A better man is going to grow and learn and exercise patience and extraordinary care for the woman he promised once to cherish and protect.

If your wife chooses to never return to you, you would still benefit by learning to become a better man. A really good man has a better chance of attracting a really good woman. And that woman, hopefully, will be your wife.

X2

Thank you LongWay - It's hard to argue with any of this. As someone who has a life long propensity to be compulsive the patience part is very very hard.

I would not do mediation.
Your wife has made her position clear. She wants divorce.
You need a divorce attorney to protect your rights

When you discuss divorce agreements in mediation you cause love bank withdrawals. Let an attorney do that.
When she sees and interacts with you it needs to be 100% plan A.

Thanks for the advice Jedi. I read your story about your divorce and your kids crying their eyes out to my wife before she left. Didn't make a bit of difference apparently. There is one thing the therapist suggested that we both agreed to follow. This is to hold off on any divorce talk or process and "walk our on paths" toward healing and being the best people we can be for our children and make the co-parenting relationship work. My wife also agreed to continue attending counseling sessions with me as long as there is "no motives for my wanting reconciliation". I really don't want to do mediation either but I feel it's the only way wy wife will stop stringing my children along and rashing out visitation time. That is EATING ME ALIVE! At least we could develop a formal schedule for visitation. I also thought it may be a mechanism to move my W and children back into our house and allow me to leave the house. I have somewhere that I could go for almost rent free for a while which means I could still pay the mortage and other expenses. I don't want to lose our home!

Some people call this job of a WS 'patience'. I do not usually ask the WS to be patient.
You don't need to learn patience (in my opinion).
You need to learn discipline.

The difference is subtle at first glance .... but it is really a very different task to ask of yourself.

vs

Patience is so passive. Too passive for you.
Discipline implies learning and/or training and taking deliberate actions. Calculating movements.

Patience is required as you wait to be called next in line.

I'm just asking you to re-frame your task to make it more proactive.

It's often easy for a man to say "I am not a patient person."
But, it is much harder for a man to say (and accept about himself) "I am an undisciplined man."

See?

I have long noted that the life-style cheaters are both lazy and undisciplined.
Patience? I really don't think it is a skill you should be aiming for right now. Aim much higher.

THIS... is....amazing! Dead on accurate. I was never parented to be disciplined, never had many boundaries, or rules to follow, or at least those that I couldn't wiggle my way out of. Yes, I agree, patience is waaay too passive for me. Proactive discipline must be my goal. I fully admit that AM an undisciplined man. Wow, what revelation... I thank God for you Pepperband.

DNT

Think of the world's most successful people. Forbes 500 types. The most admirable and accomplished people.
Are they patiently waiting for good things to happen?
Are they self disciplined and proactive?
Is Oprah Winfrey a patient woman? Maybe she is. But I'll bet you that discipline, ambition, hard work and courage are what earned her success, not waiting patiently.

Patience is a good quality. Patience is no substitute for ambition, drive, courage, and discipline. And all that jazz.

When a major league player patiently waits for the right pitch, he has the skills to smack that ball hard because he was already disciplined and learned the rules.

Be a major league player.
Don't wait to pull the winning lotto numbers.

At approximately 7pm today a little old lady attempted to serve me divorce papers. I pretended to be my son...so it was a no go. My wife and babies were over for burgers and fries and some family time together...then my doorbell rang. I knew it! Before I even got off the floor as my daughter was having so much fun jumping all over me and as my son sat next to me playing video games....I knew it! My world flipped, to say the least. I'll say more in while but I'll just say for now that my wife and I shared very good laugh as she left our home with the children. It seems that God peaked his head in our situation if only for a moment because he directed me to give her a gift that has always been in her heart to carry out. She was wowed...it was clearly a God thing to both of uss She said she would call later before leaving... she just sent another text as I type this saying "she's going to show and will call me afterward if that is ok". I shall return...

So as I was saying. A lady attempted to serve me divorce papers. I just looked at my W in disbelief - but not really. I knew it was coming as I said before. I just told her how overwhelming it would be to have to go through the process, not only logistically, but having to tell my elderly parents, let go of our home, and the costs of it all. She informed me that she actually filed the day she left 3/19. We talked for a good while and I was calm the whole time. I then gave her something I believe God gave me to create for her. She always said that she would write a book about our marriage one day, but she said that God still had not finished the story. She stated about a year ago while we were out for lunch that she knew that we would have to go through many more challenges for the story to be written. On last week I designed the dust jacket for her book and it is AWESOME! I wish I could take credit for it, but it was all God. I printed a rough draft and purchased a hardcopy journal to be used as a prototype. When I presented it to her after all of my emotions and my feelings turmoil subsided - she was very pleased. I then reminded her of what she said that day at lunch. I reminded her that she said that we would be pushed to the brink...and that I believe we were at the brink so I think it's time you started to write. She said yeah, you are right and nodded in agreement. I explained to her how many of our problems were rooted in how I always wanted her to support my dreams, but now was the time that I needed to support her dreams and how people will be blessed by her work. To make a long description of our evening short - when she called me I asked if she if she really liked the cover again and she gave an enthusiastic yes. Is this our ram in the bush?
Here is a copy of it. I blotted the name and photo out in attempt to remain somewhat anonymous. Shopping For Chandeliers

It wasn't me, I promise.

DNT, you did good. No, that was Fantastic!!!!

Worshiped with my W and children for the 1st time in 3 weeks today. She then brought them by the house for some daddy time. I can tell her heart is still hardened toward me. I still believe she wants to be done. We are still scheduled to meet with a mediator on tomorrow. Not really sure what to expect. How do I ask the question "are you going to have the process server attempt to serve me with divorce papers again"? I honestly afraid to ask any questions as it relates to us. She watched on show on PBS about feminism and talked to me about it for a little while. I enjoyed hearing her talk. Love unit deposits?

On Saturday I hung with some of my good church buddies and we attended a fellowship group. I met a guy who spoke freely about his relationship issues. I felt compelled to talk about my situation and many guys offered their support prayers and even said they were encouraged. It was great! Iron sharpens iron! I told my W about my day with the guys and how I believed it was exactly what I needed, how guys were encouraged, and how they encouraged me to keep the faith and fight for my family. She never responds to that kind of talk and I don't really expect her to do so. I am just curious if it makes any difference. I feel like tomorrow is a critical today. Praying that something good comes about and working on developing discipline.

Yes it makes a difference. You are making LB deposits for sure. Keep the faith and keep makinng deposits..

Imagine the impact you will have on your children's lives as you become more disciplined. You want your kids to be disciplined, don't you? Why? Because that character trait will allow them to lead more productive and successful lives. Self-controlled and not other-controlled. Something good will come. How could it not?

The alternative to discipline is just a gross mess. Chaos.