Please don't bash me .. But I am in the same boat and looking for solutions

I can't be intimate with my BH. I have been married 16 years, 2 kids 13 and 8. My BH was abusive from the beginning. He didn't break my bones but I have been slapped, punched, shoved , pinched 10-12 times during first 12 years of marriage. Not justifying my affair but giving you the background. Then I had an affair. Now BH has promised to change and stop the abuse. I want to rebuild the marriage but finding it very difficult to have a romantic relationship with BH.

He does intimidate/threatens me once in a while but I think he is making an effort to control his anger. No I never reported him, just couldn't do it because I do care about him very much.

He didn't break my bones but I have been slapped, punched, shoved , pinched 10-12 times during first 12 years of marriage.

I can't be intimate with my BH. I have been married 16 years, 2 kids 13 and 8. My BH was abusive from the beginning. He didn't break my bones but I have been slapped, punched, shoved , pinched 10-12 times during first 12 years of marriage. Not justifying my affair but giving you the background. Then I had an affair. Now BH has promised to change and stop the abuse. I want to rebuild the marriage but finding it very difficult to have a romantic relationship with BH.

It's not uncommon for a woman married to an abusive alcoholic to try to escape by having an affair. There are reasons why this approach to abuse seems appropriate at the time. An abused woman is often financially dependent on her husband, and could not easily support herself and her children during a separation. So she looks for another man, usually much older, to provide that support while she transitions out of her marriage. In almost all cases, she ends up jumping from the frying pan into the fire. The abusive husband becomes even more dangerous, and the other man usually ends up dumping the frightened woman and her children. As the writer of this letter notes, the man she turned to "turned out to be a jerk."
Control and abuse in marriage are deal-breakers. They are not only a risk to a woman's safety, but they also prevent her from feeling romantic love toward her husband. That's why I call them Love Busters. Selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts combine to create control and abuse, and every couple should do whatever is necessary to eliminate them. They should not be tolerated. When an abusive spouse refuses to overcome these destructive habits, I generally advise the abused spouse to separate until safety is restored, even if it is financially difficult for them.

But while I recommend separation when a spouse is being verbally or physically abused, I do not recommend separation when a spouse is having an affair. The reason, of course, is that the separation usually makes it easier to make contact with the lover. So when abuse and infidelity occur at the same time, my advice tends to be on a case-by-case basis. This week's couple is an example of cases where I tend to keep spouses together.