I did not want to over take RMX thread but I see sugarcane has/had some confusion. So here it goes in a nut shell.

My side:
Almost 14 years ago we signed our rights over on 'our' oldest DD. She was not my H. Now why question 'our' the way I wrote it. Cause RMX has told me even though he is not her blood father he thinks of her as his own. During my pregnancy we together contacted POSOM who was not around to talk to, but his mother was and told me to abort the child etc and that she wanted nothing to do with me or the child. I never again tried to contact POSOM about DD.

We found a family that looked wholesome and loving and could give what we possibly couldnt to her. Now I gave DD up for two reasons. I was not financially stable and we *me and RMX* didnt want POSOM in our lives forever. The adoption has been open minus us not able to send pictures of my side in the family. I have signed things to my DD as Aunt.

DD found out years ago that she was adopted when a cousin said something to her about it. She questioned it and her mom told her she was but did not say who the birthmother was.

Her father *adoptive* had an affair a few years ago and the marriage dissolved. DD was moved between her mom and dad but didn't seem to bothered by it. Her mom remarried. And her dad lived with his gf. Anyways her dad got cancer and it never got better and he passed away 2 years ago. I believe her mom told her a year ago that I was her birth mother. I have talked with her since birth through out the years so she already knew me sort of. She talked briefly with RMX and the kids. She always talked more to my youngest DD though even before this knowledge.

I do not know exactly what her mom has told her about us. I do know that she has not said anything about POSOM. I talked with mom the other day about my anxiety and not wanting to open a closed door that will cause more then needed in our life. She replied that DD believes RMX to be the father and me the mother. That DD goes around and speaks to others about her siblings. Yes I know half siblings. I expressed POSOM past record and that if she really wants to tell DD about him that we will give what information we have but not contact him.

RMX and I plan on asking DD mom what was said when DD was told though that way we are on the same page.

So the present. Both RMX and I are on pins and needles and sometimes short with each other. I know my reasons. I cant speak for him. My reasons, I question what if she doesn't want anything to do with me after this visit? What if she tries to play me and her mom against each other? What if .. this and that.. and so on. As for resentment. Oh I wouldn't change it for the world. Yes shes a missing link but I see what she has been provided and its something I couldn't at one point. She has become a beautiful young lady and I couldn't be more proud of any of my kids.

I remember reading a concern in regards to my other children. Well they all know who DD is, I still think my youngest DS doesn't know what I did for DD to come into the picture. and I know for sure my youngest DD will not understand. My oldest knows what went on. I have not held back when and if my kids question my life.

As for POSOM he didnt want to do anything to do with it all when I told him about the pregnancy.He complained how this changes him going into the service. The day I walked out the apartment that last day was the last time I talked to him till he found my phone number and called me. I called RMX right away and that was the end of it. He knows I had a DD sometime in August. But does not know anything else that I am aware of.

I plan on not opening that door and if DD asks me with doubt about RMX being birth father that is where mom needs to come in.

Do you and RMX have anyone that specializes in introducing adoptive children to their birth parents?

So the OC believes RMX is her birth father? SugarCane's red flags were correct?

From what I gather DD/OC believes that RMX is her birth dad because her mom hasnt told her of POSOM. I wont lie and will tell the truth if asked upon by DD/OC with her mom in the room.

I believe we can get the support we need from RMX work. He is going to look into it on Monday.

There must be so many emotions for your whole family during this. I hope it turns out OK for you. All of your kids deserve to know the truth about who they are eventually, but it could backfire in some regards. The truth is important, but it could hurt too. I wish you all the best and look forward to hearing the outcome.

The thing that was the worst for me in my similar situation was finding out that I had been lied to about my origins. Interestingly enough, although I'd always known I was adopted, I found out about the deception surrounding my origins when I was about 14, so I feel a connection to this OC in that regard.

It wasn't the truth that hurt. It was the lying. I had to completely rebuild every conception I had about my place in the world and who I was. That's a lot of work for a 14 year old. I resented that I had to be faced with that rebuilding, and it never would have happened if I'd just been told the truth from the beginning. All because some adults were fearful of the truth.

ETA: Pretty Face, I won't crowd your thread with my personal story, but I would be happy to tell you and RMX what I've had to do to square up with my existence and learn who I really am if you would like to hear it. It may help you understand the journey that OC is beginning.

From the post you made in 2008, it seems it was your request that the girl was told RMX was her father.


I can understand the reason for that. It was imperative to keep her away from OM and to keep OM away from you and your H. If you had been raising this child within your marriage, I've heard Dr Harley say that she can be told about her bio father when she is an adult. Your job is to protect your marriage from OM.

However, despite the good reason as far as OM was concerned, the fact that she was adopted made things complicated. There was no intention to keep the fact of her adoption a secret forever, and so now she has started asking questions, you either have to perpetuate the deception for her own good (and yours), or tell her that there is an OM, and that she is not allowed to contact him until she is an adult.

This is not an enviable decision for you.

Sugar, I may be incorrect, but to me this sounds like Pretty Face meant that OC should talk to RMX if she is curious about her birth father, as opposed to talking to Pretty Face.

Thread here: Unique Situation

The varied comments regarding talking about OC's parentage are making me confused and dizzy

Bottom line: Now is the time to STOP THE LYING. Tell this little girl the truth, for God's sake! Who is being protected, here???

My suggestion? Meet this child and let her get to know her mother, because this is her request, as long as RMX and Pretty Face agree to meet her. There should be NO consideration of presenting RMX as her bio father. When she meets RMX and Pretty Face, the emphasis needs to be be only on meeting her birth mom. When the inevitable questions come up regarding OM, RMX and Pretty Face should tell her that they cannot give her information regarding her birth father. That is information she will need to find out on her own. They should also tell her that they want to hear nothing regarding OM if she chooses to search for him, as a measure of protection for their marriage.

OCs now knows I am not her bio-dad.

OC may look for him when shes 18, and that she need not mention us to OM, nor him to us.