Hi I am new here.

My husband and I are going through a lot this past year. I was the WS back in May 2012. THe A was mostly texts and ended in sex. I was mortified immediately at what I did. The A lasted approximately 5 weeks, with sex only 1 time. I have had no contact since that night. (except when my H and I called him to tell him that he could NOT talk to me ever again). My BH had a revenge A (a one night stand) when I told him about my A even against our marriage counselors warnings. We tried to work on it last year, but honestly, he wasn't completely on board the whole time. He went back and forth, filed for D and then told the lawyer to hold off. I never gave up.

In December, he told me he would file after the Holidays. I wanted to get us some space so I told him it would probably be best if he moved out for now. He did-- kicking and screaming!!!! He wanted to go though. He started several fights with me over anything and everything. I asked him for peace and he said, no peace. Then in January, he filed. We have been to court for the separate support and maintenance and most things have calmed down at this point. We don't speak except to exchange out daughter.

I told him a couple weeks ago I am still willing to work on it. He told me he loved me fiercely at one time but now he just doesn't anymore. Doesn't want this to be his story. I understand he is angry. Anything I say is met with defenses.

Me: "I love you"
Him: "Why didn't you love me enough not to have your A?"
Me: "I am not giving up"
Him: "You gave up when you had an A."
Me: "I am so very sorry, and I am willing to do anything to help us heal."
Him: "Its too late. I don't want to hear it."

I am giving him space now. Not pressing and being as kind as I can from a distance. I still love him and really want my family to heal. I am trying to let go of control, it's hard. I am a fighter in the sense that I don't like to give up. I am focusing a lot of energy on myself right now during our separation so that I can heal from my boundary and other more personal issues that led to an A.

Is there any way to work on a marriage this close to Divorce? He appears to really be done. Is it best to just let go at this point?

The first thread on this forum is a welcome for all newbies.
In the welcome, are some basic links to help you get started.
Please read them.

The first step is to understand *** THE LOVE BANK ***

Who was the OM in your affair? What were the conditions that lead to your affair?

Who was the OW in your W/BH's affair?

When is the D supposed to be final?

In December, he told me he would file after the Holidays. I wanted to get us some space so I told him it would probably be best if he moved out for now. He did-- kicking and screaming!!!!

Ridiculous! You profess to have been desperate to heal your marriage from your initial crushing betrayal, so your best idea was to (basically illegally, as well as stupidly) order him out of the house! How did you enforce it - perhaps by threatening him?

This has to be the truth. NO ONE could expect us to believe this if it were fiction!

But you should know that, on MB, a WS looking "for space" translates as "for freedom to reconnect with my AP".

Agree. A woman who wants to heal her marriage does not throw her husband, kicking and screaming, out of the house! This is deplorable.

What is your plan for recovering your marriage now? Have you read the first thread on this forum?

SunDancer,

Is there any way to work on a marriage this close to Divorce? He appears to really be done. Is it best to just let go at this point?

Please continue to read here as MB is very much about actions that you can take to repair your marriage and restore trust.

Like, writing a no-contact letter to the OM, telling OMW what happened, offering to take a polygraph for your H, providing your H with just compensation, etc etc.

You loved your H at one time and he loved you, yes it is worth trying to reclaim that love.

God Bless
Gamma

The other man was a friend. He is no longer a friend.

The other woman may have been a prostitute for all I know. She was some woman he picked up on the side of the road.

The D is supposed to be final in December. So, I think we have some time. He is trying to get it to move faster by filling for grounds. However, since we went through reconciliation, the law says that we have to wait a year.

Was the OM married?

Was your affair exposed?

What about your children, do they know?

On what grounds is he filing?

I was apparently not clear or there is a misunderstanding so I will clarify.

He initiated the moving out conversation. I did not threaten him at all nor did I "order him out of the house". I actually begged him to stay. He refused. What I meant by "kicking and screaming" is literally he kicked my bed and screamed at me that I was a [censored] and not the metaphorical "kicking and screaming" as if he didn't want to go. I think he was just really depressed and angry which escalated. He told me he just didn't love me anymore and would never love me again. I asked him to please work on it with me. He started yelling at me in all the phrases I listed above and more. I often wondered if I begged him enough to stay. I think I did. I cried, I told him I loved him, I told him he didn't have to leave and it doesn't have to be this way. I just finally gave in and told him it was fine for now if that is what he needed. We could take some time apart and heal if that is what he needs. I never once told him


I have not, am not, and will not ever contact the OM again. I have zero interest in him and I am not looking for any relationship with anyone but my husband. I wasn't looking for space for me but granting my husband's request for his own space. I never thought he would be gone this long.

No the OM was not married.

I told me husband without any prior exposure. He freaked out initially. We went to counseling. We were advised not to talk about the A so I didn't. Then I told him the entire timeline after he begged me to for a while. He was so upset. He actually stalked the other guy and beat him up.

My daughter knows the vanilla version of the story.

He is filing under adultery.

I don't have a plan, yet. Looking for hope. I have been trying to apologize and talk to him but he hates me. He forgave me for a long time but he just couldn't get past the resentment. I really tried to make our marriage work. I am at a loss as to where to pick up the pieces with him so angry and our relationship having gone this far into the D.

I wanted to get us some space so I told him it would probably be best if he moved out for now.

He initiated the moving out conversation. I did not threaten him at all nor did I "order him out of the house".

May I respectfully suggest that if your version of elements of your story are going to change as evaluations are posted, this is going to be a less-than-effective exercise?

That aside, it is going to be vital that you demonstrate via actions, as opposed to words (pleas, promises) that you recognize the immorality of your betrayal and can offer operational guarantees against it happening again. That is NOT going to be easy, given the separation now in place.

You have a slight opening to display to him the new Sundancer during the child-exchange events You should look good, but not over-do it, and make mention where possible of the things your daughter misses about her Dad.

• Does he have any support system (family, etc) to whom you could more directly demonstrate the changes you have implemented?
• Whatever was the vehicle (work, childcare) that brought you an POSOM together, can you show you have ended that medium?
• You must give him access to all your phone, e-mail, Facebook, etc, passwords and portals.
• You must write, even at this late date, an MB-style No-Contact letter, and get it to BH for his peusal and mailing.
• It would be helpful if he were here. Even if he is dead set on following through on the divorce, we can help him recover.

You know how slim are your chances for recovery. The important thing, though, is that the changes you will be making in yourself are beneficial even if your reconciliation never happens.

Hi Neverguessed,

I understand what you mean about the elements of the story. I just wanted to be clear that I didn't want him to leave. He was dead set on it-- at least that is what he said.

I worry, that in the separation he won't see me. He hates talking to me. Family is far away. I have spoken with his mother and although she still wants it to work, she is worried about her son. I think she sees I am working hard but he just doesn't want to hear. it. I try to not control anything or force him. I try not to pressure him to come back and he told me he doesn't want to hear it when I say that I love him.


I do try to make the exchange very pleasant. He is just so angry and I still see it in his eyes. I try to keep our conversations soft now and focus on things like how his music is going or how his day was. I smile at him and encourage his success. But he mostly focuses on things like separating the bills, etc.

There is no possible further contact with OM nor have I any interest. I suppose I could write a NC letter, but my husband and I called OM and told him together on the phone that there was would be NC. I have not broken that. You still think I should write a letter?

I don't mind giving him access to all my accounts but we are in a D process and my lawyer and therapist have advised otherwise. I have nothing to hide, though. I don't mind giving it to him.

He is dead set on D and wants it sooner rather than later. I don't know that I can connivence him to come onto the site. I would love it if he did. I will suggest it but I imagine I know the response.

We are going to a child counselor next week to talk about our daughter. She is having some issues with the D. He has said some not so great things to her and she is having a hard time. She is worried that he doesn't want her because he didn't want one of our dogs since he and I raised the dogs together so he got another dog. She said she was worried he didn't want her. I told her he loves her. Still, I am getting her counseling. I wonder if this would be a good opportunity while talking with the counselor, if he and I could consider some things.

I made a terrible mistake and I would love to work it out, still. He's just so angry and dismissive to me. I really think he may be done.

I just sent him a text message to let him know I love him and am thinking about him. I hope this is ok.

Please help me. I really want to bring my family back together. What if it really is a dealbreaker for him? There are so many people here who have survived. Anyone gone through starting the divorce process and still able to make it work?

Yes there are plenty.

We also have a poster who remarried her WH after divorce (Johnstwin)

Also Mortarman is a wonderful story. They were going through D proceedings and are now recovered.

Here you go. These are good ones to start with.


Mortarman update H-hour had begun
Mortarman Update: Custody battle begins

This one is probably more parallel for you.

She is the FWW and they were separated heading for D.
BlackViolet's Thread

Here's another good read.

Recovery Guide for Wayward Wives

Hi Sundancer, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am trying to get a feel for your situation and I have a question about the above comment. Are you saying he had to "beg" to get the facts about the affair? How long did he have to beg and did he finally get the full, unadulterated truth?

Why did he have to beg? What was your initial response when he asked questions?


Can you be more specific?

When did your husband find out about the affair and when did he finally get the full truth about it? How many days/weeks between those 2 points?