Thank you. I am reading the BlackViolet thread and the articles you posted for her. I hope to gain some insight from them. I see the similarities in a lot of ways, however, I ended the A immediately after sex.

I don't know that I need to write any kind of No Contact Letter since my husband and I called him and told him that there would be no more contact. Also, my husband beat him up in a bar one night so I think he gets the point.

Did you see these?

Sorry I missed those.

Here is the timeline:

The day after sex with the OM in late May, I told him in a panic that it was a kiss. I initiated the conversation. He had no idea anything had happened. Then he immediately freaked out before I could muster up the courage to tell him everything. SO I didn't say anything else but instead got us into MC to talk more. The counselor told us not to talk about any more details and that it didn't matter what happened. I was desperate so I listened and told him we weren't supposed to talk about it. She said what mattered was that we were looking at the environment that led to an A. Then I just kept the story at what he knew--It was a mistake. I was having panic attacks daily from not telling him.

After about a month, He looked at my journal that alludes to my guilt. He asks me what really happened and I told him the truth that sex happened but I did not go into the details. He moved out. Then looked at the phone records and found out there was text messages prior to sex. I admitted to it. He moved back in and told me to leave. I said I didn't want to leave and was willing to be transparent. Gave him passwords, my phone, etc. He didn't want to hear it and eventually I caved and went to stay at a friends house for a healing separation at the end of July. We were in a healing separation and had agreed not to see anyone else during that time. At this point, he went out and had an affair for which he apologized and although I was hurt, I accepted. I didn't bring it up again.

In early August, he told me he wanted the whole story so I invited him over and told him the entire story from beginning to end with all details. He wanted to call the OM on the spot so we did and told him no contact. The OM was defensive but we were firm with him.

In Mid August, my husband asked me to move back in and he wanted to talk about having a baby. I told him I would love to but I think we should repair us first. In September, my H saw OM in a bar and was really upset. He came home pissed off and drunk-- yelling. I held him and told him I loved him. He yelled, "I will go find another family." My daughter heard him say this (and still brings it up). He started talking D the next day. I didn't give in and kept working on us. He refused MC but did go to IC. I am also in IC. He came to my IC to assure he was getting the full story. My IC explained that the story is all out there now.

He started to obsess about the OM. He started following him. Then he followed him into a bar and beat him up. He came home and told me he loved me and was ready to work on it. We did until December where the story picks up in the first post.

I am so ashamed that I didn't just tell him everything in the beginning and wish I had not followed that advise. It was incredibly damaging. He is really the most angry about that now.

As far as what I told my daughter. She just really didn't understand why all the sudden our family was falling apart. So interestingly, she has a cartoon where the girl kisses another boy even though she has a boyfriend. The boy is really angry and starts fights with the other boys in school and also kisses another girl. I told her that that is basically what happened. She doesn't need any more details than that as she is 10.

"I am so ashamed that I didn't just tell him everything in the beginning and wish I had not followed that advise. It was incredibly damaging. He is really the most angry about that now. "

I sort of suspected this is what happened because initially he seemed to want to work it out. Most spouses can deal with the affair but they can't stomach the lies that come after they have agreed to try and forgive. It is holy hell to have to drag the truth about your own life out of a spouse.

Have You seen these?
Can't We Just Forgive and Forget #1
Recovery After an Affair

Tell us what you think.

I agree. He went through hell. I cannot verbalize just how broken he was over a kiss. I've never seen a man cry like that. When it was sex, it exploded. But honestly, he was ok for a while after it was all out. I really don't know what happened to him other than seeing the OM.

He told me he loved me "fiercely" at one time. I believe him. He has told me, though, that he doesn't want this to be his story. When he is dying on his death bed, he said he doesn't want to look at a woman who cheated on him... I really worry it's a dealbreaker. I'm I just a fool to even try now?

I read the articles.

As far as the recovery goes, I think we are in a situation it will be hard to fulfill the suggestions. For instance, I am not able to spend time with him to show action that deposit love units. He is VERY angry so there are a lot of anger outbursts even now. He is not willing to share his emotional needs. He hardly wants to speak to me but when he does, I give him my undivided attention. I have been completely honest with him but he is does not believe anything I say at this point regardless of the fact that all the information is out there. So as far as the Recovery After the Affair goes, since we are in different locations and he doesn't was to even speak to me, I have a hard time relating the information at this time. I did sent him a text message last night to let him know I am think about him and miss him. BUt he didn't answer and I don't expect him to. I just thought it would be a small deposit into the love bank. I just don't know anything I can do other than the small things right now.

As far as forgiveness goes, my H has said he can only forgive me from a distance. I believe this to only somewhat be true. He and I were in reconciliation for a while and he was telling me he loved me and wanted to work on the marriage. Now he says he can't because he "woke up." I suppose we can't get anywhere without forgiveness. I owe him everything to try. I am met with so much resistance from him but it may be because I am imposing pressure on him. He has no obligation to forgive me. I am beginning to accept that. I have a hard enough time trying to forgive myself for getting in the situation in the first place.

I wrote him a letter a while back but didn't sent it because my friends and counselor told me not to. It was a letter telling him about the empathy I have for his trauma. I went through trauma after childhood sexual abuse and it is horrific. I let him know that I understood just how damaging a trauma can be and how hard it is to look at someone that caused it. I also let him know I don't know how hard it is to be on his side, but that I love and support him in his healing.

Is it time for me to just let him go? I can't seem to do it. I love him and my daughter and I don't want to let go. I feel like we had a really great foundation that could be salvaged.

He was numb then seeing OM brought out the reality of the situation...again. The same thing happened to my H.

He has now built up a wall towards you. A wall of resentment but also a wall to protect himself from you. He does not trust you right now and is on the defense to protect himself. Why? Because he does love you "feircely" and right now he knows that that is dangerous.

One other bit of advice. Every time you tell him you love him now, it is like a slap in the face to him. He sees it as a cruel joke, how do I know this? I did and said the same thing to my H after my A. One day he looked at me and basically told me exactly what I am telling you. I love you right now, means nothing to him. They are just empty words. You need to show him.

No matter how ugly and angry he is at you, you need to find a way to show him that you are willing to change and make your marriage better than it was before.

Stick with this site and soak everything in. I can't promise you a happy ending. You will see as you read on here that although most stories have similar beginnings, the endings aren't always the same.

I can promise you that this site is the best place to begin working on you and what you can do to make your H feel safe with you again.

Write him a letter but instead of telling him you empathize with him, fill the letter with EP's (see the site for Extraordinary Precautions). Again, telling him you empathize with him is only going to make him angry. Not to be rude but he does not care that you went through and understand trauma.


My H and I went to a MC and the only thing the MC did was push my H further away from me. Why? How? She made excuses for my A, literally blamed it on my ADD. This put my H over the edge!!! He had his own RA and moved out. He was so angry with me and completely shut down. That is when I found MB.

Keep fighting for him and your marriage but I can guarantee you that he is not going to let his guard or wall down at all until sees that you have a plan. Even then there are no promises. I am giving you the same advice that was given to me.

What you are technically doing is the WW version of Plan A (again another must read on this site). You have a long hard road and you don't know the results. Just remember you got yourself in this position and now you are going to have to work like hell to get yourself out of it with no promises or expectation.

I am not trying to be hard on you but if the people on this site would not have smacked me with a couple of two by fours I might still be trying to blame my A on my ADD not my poor boundaries.

A couple more thoughts. Have you or your H gotten the book Surviving An Affair? If not, get a copy for yourself and another for him. In the front of the book send him a message similar to this.

I am reading this amazing book that has the key ingredients to not only survive an affair but to affair proof our marriage and make it better than it ever has been.

I am also working on making changes within myself to make sure that I never allow anyone but you to fill my EN's. I am also learning how important protecting our marriage is by having EP's in place at all times.

I am and want to continue to be your wife but no matter what happens I am going to continue to work on myself because I never want to see you hurt and I want us to have a marriage that is strong and protected.

Include a list of your EP's along with your EN's and encourage him to tell you his top three EN's.

I would also mention that the author of the book has a website that you have been on and learning what it takes to build a strong marriage.


This is a start and you have to do this without any expectations. I sent a similar letter to my H and the next day he thanked me for the letter but told me he wanted a D. I was crushed but had to pick myself back up and continue with my plan. That was a little over a year ago and after a very long roller coaster of a road we are back together but still working hard on making our marriage the best it has ever been.

So tonight when he dropped off our daughter, we talked a while. I told him that I still want to fight for our marriage. He told me plain and clear over and over that he does not want to be married to me and is not and will not be coming back to the marriage. You know what, he is still angry about me telling him I thought it was fine for him to leave in December. It's interesting that he doesn't remember how much I asked him to stay. I asked him if it would have made a difference if I told him to stay. He said that he would have still left anyway. He can't remember anything good about our relationship now. He remembers all the fights... none of the good. He told me to please let him go and let him heal.

I have to admit, although it hurt to hear him say all these things, I still told him I love him and am willing to do anything to work on our marriage. I told him my eyes are open and that I am working on my boundary issues. He was still furious about the A. Still saying that if I loved him I wouldn't have done this. Still incredibly resistant.

One positive note. He is still carrying his ring in his car. I thought that was kind of nice. Also, he stayed about 2 hours talking to me. It was a hard talk but I am glad he stayed.

You are SO right about that. He told me tonight he is going to trial now. The OM actually has pressed charges to the point that he wants restitution!!! $3K! I really wish this wasn't happening on the side because it keeps the wound open. My H is so angry about it.



Absolutely true. He doesn't want me to touch him. Sometimes he pulls away or stiffens if I do. He did stick around and talk to me for 2 hours. I had gotten in his car to talk to him for a while. He said he didn't want to talk to me and that it causes him more pain. I did tell him I loved him, which I know he doesn't want to hear. I apologized for all his pain and breaking our family. He just got so mad. He told me not to mistaken his anger for hope though. Then he told me that no one has his back on his decision. Not me, not our friends, not even his family. He said he is doing what is right for his self respect and that is to heal without me.

I don't want to be disrespectful of his space nor his self respect. Should I just back off? I love him and don't want him to hurt anymore. So am I just reopening the wound?

I want to wait on the letter for now. I think after tonight, he is not willing to hear anything I have to say. Also, he told me it doesn't matter what I do, I will have to do it alone because he is done.

He said absolutely not on MC anyway. I have some other issues that played a significant role in the A, but I am taking full responsibility for my actions. I told him tonight it was due to my boundary issues. He said it was pure cruelty.

Not sure how this is the WW version of plan A. Help me understand? Especially because he is now out of the house.

I want it to work, and for the first time I didn't cry when he said it wouldn't. I think since I have been reading this site, maybe that is the reason I don't feel like I needed to cry. I just think it will take a long time.

Still, I do fear that this is really just over for him. When do you know if it is time to let go?

Okay, I have a couple of questions and comments.

Has your husband always had anger issues or were the brought on by your A?

Did he ever physically or verbally abuse you prior to the affair?


Okay now on my thoughts about your situation. You don't and can't talk your husband into anything. He is going to have to make those decisions on his own. As you investigate this site you will see that some BH's can never let go of their anger and resentment. Some spouses do. It took my H almost a year. He actually moved out last January, came back in March. Told me he could not stay with me in May. Continued to live with me from May to September constantly going back and forth on his feelings and emotions.

It was not until September when he once again wanted to leave that I completely let go of my selfishness and truly told him that I loved him so much that I supported is decision no matter what. That is what finally did it. He saw that even if it was not the results that I wanted, I had to let him go if that would be better for him. When I truly let him go, that is when he came back to me with open arms.

That is why so many people on here tell you that you have to go into a plan with no expectations. No matter what your H decides you need to work this site for YOU! You need to do it with the mindset that you are changing who you are because you never want to get foggy again. You have to try to do with with the thought that it might not make one bit of a difference in your H and his current decision.

If he wants space, I would give it to him. The last thing you want to do is push him so far that you completely push him away. That doesn't however mean that at every little chance you get, you show him that you are changing. That you are actively educating yourself on MB principals.

I would also suggest getting in touch with Dr. Harley on his radio show or setting up an appointment with Steve Harley (his son). I have heard that he works wonders for even the most reluctant spouse.


His wound is still very raw. And you are right, having to see this guy again in court is not going to help. Especially since this guy is charging your H.

All I can tell you is take baby steps...one day at a time. It aint over till its over. No matter what happens you are going to come out of this a much stronger and wiser person. Hopefully your H decides to come on board but no expectations. If you get a chance you may want to read my roller coaster ride of a stitch on here.

I hope this helps!!!

He never had anger problems before the A. Never physically or emotionally abusive. He has always had trouble with forgiveness though. He tends to hold on to grudges for a long time. This is the worst he has ever hurt.

I do feel like although my intentions are good, he feels pressure from me. I try to let go of expectations. It's really hard. He is expressing that he will never get over this. Maybe I have no other choice than to let go at this point?

I am doing everything I can to heal me. I don't think I could ever do what I did again. It was too painful. I would rather die than live with that kind of pain.

I can't afford to get an appointment at this point. How do I get in touch about a radio show?

your situation sounds a lot like mine. I will read.

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

Thanks BH!!

I will write the letter mostly for myself for now. I am not sure when he would be read or if he would be ready to see it-- ever.

I meant MC elsewhere. We had a bad experience-- twice

My understanding of plan A is to end the A. I did that immediately-- even before telling him. So I guess I don't really understand the carrot part.

I agree. Fighting until the ink is dry is probably the best bet. I just don't want to hurt him anymore. He seems so hurt still. He posted some lyrics to a song he wrote about me on FB as soon as he got home this evening.

"I am not your villain in black
Tying you down to the railroad track
That shoe don't fit
And I ain't gonna wear it"

Thank you for the info. Should I just send my first post as my question?