A Word of Caution: Don't spring this on your spouse!

When my wife, Joyce, and I were first married, I bought a product from Honeywell that was intended for newlyweds, but I didn't tell her about it until it arrived in the mail. It was a surprise.

Well, Joyce was not at all pleased when I opened the box. She felt ambushed. We weren't having any problems, but I thought it certainly couldn't hurt. I was wrong.

If that's how Joyce reacted when we were having a terrific relationship, can you imagine how your spouse might react if you are having serious problems. Instead of being encouraged by your interest in your marriage, your spouse might think you are trying to control him or her, and totally reject the idea of taking the courses.

So before you order, be sure that you have your spouse's enthusiastic agreement. If you discuss it with each other, and decide to take these courses together, you will already be practicing one of my very important basic concepts, the Policy of Joint Agreement.

I�ve finally told my wife about a year ago, I don�t love her and I will divorce her�she didn�t care.

I�ve finally told my wife about a year ago, I don�t love her and I will divorce her�she didn�t care. I am a wallet and babysitter to her and that�s it.

I just need to find a way to continue stuffing my needs for the next few years.

Please trust me when I say I�ve used the program but I�m not willing to give up time with my kids�

both verbally and physically abusive.

I would take MrAlias' suggestion and get coaching with the Harley's. Since your wife seems so aggressive, though, I think you should try Steve Harley. You can coach with Steve alone the first time and develop a plan of attack to get her on the phone the next time.

I would definitely recommend you talk with Steve. He'll cut to the quick and give you immediate steps to take to help you with your situation. The phone counseling is a very effective way of counseling.

She decided she is going to file for divorce this week and no point waiting years.

No idea.

The only reason I've posted my story is to see if anyone had something I was missing.

You are at a crucible in life. A test. A trial. But, if you look at this with a different attitude, you have an opportunity. An opportunity you did not want, but an opportunity nonetheless. Everyone has these moments. You are looking at a 2-choice dilemma and you are frozen with indecision. You have 2 undesirable options to choose from. You offered a much more beneficial option #3 to your wife, and she has shut you down (again). It's what she does. She erects a roadblock and waits to see how you will deal with it. When you do not make a choice, she claims victory. It's a bit of a sick game. Still want to play notsotuff?

You have 2 undesirable options to choose from
1. A divorce and a broken home for your child.
2. A miserable, abusive, loveless marriage for 6 more years.

When I ask what you are going to do, you respond; "No idea."

If you think you are not making a choice, you'd be wrong. "No idea" is a choice.

Some people without integrity might chose to have an affair facing your situation.
Because you are not making that choice, I see you as a man of integrity.
But, you are a fool if you think you will not be vulnerable to another female who is willing to meet your needs during the next 6 miserable years.

Remember, not choosing has been your go-to-choice thus far.
When you do that, you are still playing her game.

Not choosing is a choice.


�When you have to make a choice and don�t make it, that is in itself a choice.� -William James

�If you choose not to decide, you have still made a choice.� � RUSH, �Freewill�

�Life is the sum of all your choices.� � Albert Camus


Xiang Yu was a Chinese general in the third century B.C. In a battle for the city of Julu, Yu took his army across a river and once there, ordered them to sink their ships and destroy all but three days� worth of food rations, leaving his men with a choice: win the forthcoming battle against all odds, or die within three days, trapped between the walls of the city and the riverbank, with no hope of rescue.

Despite nearly overwhelming odds, Yu�s army won the battle of Julu.

Did Yu�s army win because knowing they had no other option, they threw everything they had into the battle? Would they still have won the battle if Yu had left them the option of retreat? Certainly it would be a comfort to know that if things got too bad, there would be a way out, a rescue; perhaps Yu knew that if his men realized they had an �out� it would make them too halfhearted about committing to a pitched battle.

In life, we often tell ourselves that it is good to leave our options open. People will do almost anything to avoid losing an option � closing the door on an option is experienced as a loss. We analyze situations endlessly and weigh the pros and cons�but sometimes in the interim of all that avoiding and weighing, our options � our doors � disappear.

It�s like supposing Robert Frost�s traveler was unable to make up his mind, and sat too long at the intersection of the two roads that diverged in the yellow wood, unable to commit to one path or the other. Perhaps he was waiting for someone else to make the decision for him. If he sits long enough, that may happen. Rains may come and flood one of the roads, leaving only one passable option. A construction crew may come along and close one of the roads, leaving no choice but to take the detour.

Frost writes that in choosing the road less travelled by, �that has made all the difference.� His choice, then, even one as singularly minor as choosing which road to travel, impacted his life in a profound way. If he had waited until someone else made the choice for him, then he could avoid taking responsibility for his choice. He could blame the construction crew for his travel delay.

Fear can keep us from choosing. Fear of making things worse, fear of being hurt, fear of change, fear of taking responsibility, fear of what others will think. So we don�t decide. We continue to do the same things that we have always done, with the same results, expecting that someone, somewhere, is going to sprinkle some pixie dust on us and make it all better. We wait for a construction crew to come along and close one of our roads, leaving us with no choice at all.

We are the only ones who can identify what we want and then do something about it. That applies to a decision as simple as what clothes to wear or what to eat for breakfast on any given day or as complex as what to do with our lives.