My husband had a four and a half month affair starting in late May 2012. I discovered the affair in Mid September. I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he said no.

He told me that he thought I ddin't love him anymore and that his affair partner was everything a wife should be. He said he still loved me and wanted to work on our marriage.

We've been going to counseling for five months now.

During the affair he paid her cell phone bill and her car payment. In mid February, I discovered that she called him and asked for money. Again, he paid her cell phone bill and gave her $160 in cash.

I freaked out about it and he told me that I couldn't put this incident on the same level as the affair. He said that he's not involved with her anymore. Any advice?

The thing that scares me the most is that he has told me that he has nothing to work on personally. He said he had the affair only as a result of the state of our marriage. Neither one of us was a perfect spouse before his affair but I did not deserve what he did. In addition to marriage counseling, I see a different therapist on a weekly basis. My head is still a mess from all of this. My friends and family want me to leave him but I can't bring myself to do it. Am I weak?

Am I weak?

The thing that scares me the most is that he has told me that he has nothing to work on personally.

My husband and I are both conflict avoiders. I have read the articles on this site about surviving an affair. It seems to me that my husband isn't willing to do what it takes to heal our marriage. That's why I made the comment that he feels he has nothing to work on personally. I am aware that I have my own issues to work on as well as work with him to make our marriage better. I don't want to give up if there is still hope but after his actions in mid February, I just don't know.

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

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Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

There is no hope if your husband won't agree to a plan of recovery. If he won't do that, then you are facing a future of affairs. The conditions for recovery are non-negotiable and if he won't do that, then Dr Harley would advise you to separate and go into Plan B.

Last Spring, my H coached our 10 yr old son's baseball team. The OW was the wife of my husband's assistant coach. On May 30th, they began texting back and forth about 200 times/day. By the height of the affair it was 600 times/day. I discovered the text messages on 9/20. They did not work together for the same company but their employers were about 10 mins apart. They would meet for lunch a couple times a week. She is no longer employed. He ended the affair on 10/15, my son's 11 b-day. My parents and a few of my co-workers (close friends) know. Because my H and I are conflict avoiders, we were like roommates who got a long well prior to the affair.

Her H knows. She told him everything.