Hi all, <P>I am writing this on behalf of my friend and I hope you can help. I asked her if I could write this and if she would be willing to read and she will.<P>*Bridget* has been married for 10 years to a really great guy. He is the kind of H who will do anything to make his wife happy. She has 2 kids. She works nights on weekends and after her and friends go out dancing (her H knows). She gets alot of attention from guys. I understand innocent flirting but she's not too quick to offer the fact that she's married and has met and exchanged #'s w a guy or 2 (cell phone). So she has been talking to one guy for a while. She did tell him she was married. No sex is involved but she is carrying on a "relationship". She has feelings for the guy. Isnt that still an affair?? I think she's enjoying the attention and the challenge of it all. She says she loves her H and her life w/him but she's having alot of fun. If her H ever found out I doubt it would seem as fun to her. There really is no way he could find out (no cell phone bill)and it is up to her to change if she really wants to. She said she loves her H but not in love w/him. That hit a nerve as I'm sure it will for most of you. I guess what I'm asking is does she really have to go through all the crap that we've all gone through to really see what she's doing and that she's got a great H? She's a good person and I think since its not sexual relationship she is finding a way of saying it's not SO bad. Any advice would be appreciated. I dont want to see anyone get hurt. Magoskid

Magoskid,<P>Your friend is playing a dangerous game. She is becoming involved in an emotional affair. If it continues it will probably turn into a physical affair. <P>The points to make to her are these:<P>1) Would SHE be hurt if her H was carrying on with another woman in a similar fashion to what she is doing?<P>2) In my opinion, and supported by a lot of the books i have read, ANYTHING or ANYBODY that takes the focus and efforts away from the marriage is detremental to the relationship. <P>She probably won't listen to you, but try anyway. Most people, me included when I had my EA, just don't really think it out - it just sort of happens to you and you sort of slide right into it -aware it is happening but NOT at all focusing on the ramifications of what risks or terrible things might happen further down the road. She might well be in this stage of jsut letting things happen without thinking of the ramifications of her actions.<P>Best of luck....<P>Roll Me Away

RMA, Thankyou, I agree and tell her that she's playing w/fire. She's so caught up w/this fun, fun, fun. She has lost alot of weight and looks really great and I really think that has something to do w/it - she disagrees. Is it going to take hitting rock bottom before she appreciates what she has? I dont know - I hope her and her H do not have to. All I can do is offer her what I have learned and the choice is ultimately hers.

I hope your friend reads this thread and takes any and all advice to heart.<P>Emotional affairs are not to be taken lightly. I had one and I am still trying to recover 4 months later! My affair never got physical, but it was just as devastating to my wife. And me.<P>Your friend has been distanced from her husband for whatever reason. That whole "love but not in-love" is the red-flag! She should focus her energy on making her marriage better, rather than pursuing other men. What does she expect will happen years down the road? She'll be stuck in an awful loveless marriage if she doesn't do something NOW!<P>--andy

Couldn't resist ....<P>I'm not in love with my H either and I'd love someone to talk with while his wife is out. Bridget may I have your home phone number?<P>As a kid, I would hold my finger in the flame of a candle for as long a I could. I knew it was fire and if I held there long enough I'd get burned, but I pulled my finger away just in time. Fire play.

#1, If she isn't sharing this information with her husband, she is ashamed of what she is doing. That is her conscience telling her that she is wrong. She KNOWS her husband would not approve, and she is outside of her marriage vows.<P>#2, She is feeling such pleasure despite her conscience. She doesn't want the pleasure to stop, and she won't stop the pleasure until the pain of her conscience or the consequences of her affair outweigh the pleasure she has from this affair.<P>#3, I think if I were you, in order to save a marriage, I would tell her that if she doesn't tell her husband soon, that you will. A good friend doesn't let friends drive drunk - is a saying we always hear, lately, right? Well a good friend doesn't allow stupid choices to ruin a marriage.<P>TNT