I think you are just so used to being in an unhealthy place mentally that it has become a way of life. I seriously wonder if you aren't addicted to the man and just can't let go. Despite enormous tension and despair with this man, you cling to him as if you were clinging to a life raft.

This is a man who made you so sick that you were having bad dreams just a couple of months ago. He has been your worst nightmare so I don't believe it doesn't affect your mental and physical health. It clearly HAS according to your posts.

There is no barrier. You are still in touch with him. A barrier would be to cut off contact entirely.

But I predict you will fight cutting him out with all your life. I honestly don't think I have EVER seen a BS that clinged to her XWH with such tenacity. You can't seem to let him go.

LOL. I don't think texting, 'meet you at Wal-Mart at 5:15 for drop off of ds13' or sending an email with a copy of his test scores is 'clinging to him with tenacity.'

And I don't have to 'fight' anyone about how I handle my XH. It works fine for me.

It sounds like the reason he would be upset is because he knows there is tension or a conflict between the two of you.

Plan B/PP would avoid this altogether and has, in fact, in my case. From my Parallel Parenting in Plan B post:


My kids don't question or know anything about my interaction with their father. And they are doing very well!

True. Now that there is no tension ds13 is much happier.


That is great Susie. Glad they are doing so well. My ds13 is doing great too.

But, you do. You protect your contact with him tenaciously. It wasn't working fine for you a couple of months ago. Frankly, I wonder how anyone can maintain their mental health this way. That is like the rape victim staying in touch with the rapist. I don't see how that is healthy for you or your son.

SW, if you want to remain in contact with your ex, that's fine with me. I am not going to argue with you.

What I do take issue with is when you write something like the above to a poster who is getting advice regarding still struggling with triggering/stressful communications, it reads as a dig to those of us who are in Plan B or using PP.

Again, I am not sure what your purpose in writing what you wrote was if not to encourage the OP to just "learn" to be civil with her ex.

As you have admitted yourself, this hasn't been easy for you, your son HAS BEEN subjected to conflict, and you have a 30+ (?) page thread regarding communications with your xH. So to me at least, your advice to this OP seems somewhat stilted, not to mention it is not consistent with what Dr H advises for divorced folks in this OP's situation.

I replied to a poster. The rest of this thread has been to attack me and to attempt to prove to me that being civil is not working for me. Since I feel fine, my ds is fine and neither of us are stressed out I naturally want to correct a post that says I am NOT doing well.

If people are stressed out by any direct communication with their WX then certainly they can try Plan B and see if they feel better. It has clearly worked for a lot of people. And I have repeatedly said I see the merits of limiting contact to strictly business...but unless I say, 'Plan B is the only way!' I get attacked.

>>It wasn't working fine for you a couple of months ago.>>

I wasn't being just civil, or business only, a few months ago. And I agreed I wasn't doing well, so I went back to being civil and business only. I am not sure what is so confusing about that. I agree that letting him suck me into a conversation is harmful to me. So I don't allow that.

My purpose was to encourage the OP. It wasn't to encourage her to try and be civil. In a later post I clarified what *I* mean by being civil...a text on drop off or pick up day to verify time and place. An email to show XH dh's grades or results of doctor visits. I do not believe that sort of very limited interaction with an X is in conflict with Dr. Harley's advise. Ds13 has his own phone now and WXH contacts him directly, so there is very little that I need to speak to WXH about.

No one has "attacked" you, only pointed out that your own method doesn't even work for you. As long as you continue to recommend that stressed out posters don't go into Plan B, I think its only fair to post how badly that advice has worked out for you.

When you post things like this it really makes me wonder if you want to put others through the same unnecessary hell you have subjected yourself to all these years. All anyone has to do is go read your tons of posts about the unpleasant dealings with your husband over the years. And the endless "reasons" why you can't go into Plan B.

I will make sure that posters understand how badly this has worked for you and that there is a better way. I do that because I really care for the people who come here.

That kind of contact is in conflict with Dr Harley's advice when it is clear that a person should be in Plan B. They can avoid all the hostile, stressful interaction you have endured for years. I will point them to your 30 page thread going back years that documents all the hostility.

Completely unnecessary, by the way.

And that is why I respond...because you make false claims about MY life. You are taking what was going on in my life when I was still engaging in conversations and arguments and fights with him and trying to say 'see being civil doesn't work.' When I stopped arguing with him and when I stopped having chit chat conversations with him (became business only and civil) it does work.


I am not recommending stressed out posters don't go in to Plan B. I agree that less contact is better...and if any poster thinks they need Plan B I fully support that.

I haven't endured years of hostility. My 30 page thread doesn't document years. I was remarried with a year of being divorced and by then I had learned to stop interacting with him in a way that caused me stress. Lots of good advice on this board helped me get to the point where I didn't get engaged in conversations that harmed me.

Yes, being "civil" doesn't work because you have no control over your husband. You have proven that yourself. No one said anything "false" about you. I simply posted your own quotes. We can see how it has worked out for you. If you want to spin it that is fine. But everyone can see how horrible it has been for you all these years.

Have you ever considered why you have this need to hang onto your XH so badly?

How is posting Dr. Harley's advice/concepts/plans attacking you?

We have your posts from 3 months ago that show this to be false. Shall I post them again? You were advised to go into Plan B years ago and you ignored that advice. Hence, posts like this:

You keep claiming being civil isn't working for me...then you give examples of my life when I was NOT being just civil...THAT is spinning.

I text XH pick up drop off details. Give him education and health information as it comes up. We will just have to disagree that indicates I 'have a need to hang on to him so badly.'

Fyi, I don't see Susie, indiegirl, reading, or Scotland making posts like this. You might want to consider that.

I gave examples of your EX-HUSBAND not being civil. You have no control over that. Never have, never will. So, of course, it doesn't work for you. You posted the evidence.


Then why won't you let that long dead corpse go? Why are you hanging on for dear life?

Ok, thank you for looking all that up and summing up what I've already said several times in this thread. I went out of minimum contact while attempting to avoid going to court and went BACK to minimum contact when I saw how it was harmful to me. And as I have said repeated, mimimum contact works for me.