I know I shouldn't, so I'm hoping you all will talk me out of it.<P>This Sunday my son is partipating in a sporting competition, to which my W will bring the OM. This is the second time this has happened (the first with my daughter's recital... an unadulteratd disaster... LBing to the hilt). See <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/008644.html" TARGET=_blank>I have to spend time with OM... Yuck!</A> for details.<P>I wish to write a letter to the OM...<BR>(yes, everyone can jump down my throat on this...)<P>I want to let him know how much he is <B>hurting the children</B>... by their mom having moved out... for over two months(with him moving in with her)... and now (W) is seeing them <B>only</B> every other weekend.<P>Ok... Ok... Ok...<BR>This is an obvious attempt to make OM feel guilty... and when he shows it to my W... it should result in her being guilty too... hence the LB!<P>I guess I <I>know</I> that this would be a LB! I just want everyone else to tell me the same thing... I know you guys are all honest and open so I can trust your opinions... I am clearly too close to the situation to know that what I <B>wish to do</B> is a <I>good</I> thing or not.<P>If I shouldn't make the OM guilty... is there a <I>"better"</I> thing to write to him about. Right now he is blocking all email from me to him... so it seems he doesn't want much contact with me... I guess that is good... but boy does it make me feel helpless! The same is true with my W... she is not accepting any of my emails now. <P>A small amount of contact (with W) will happen tomorrow when she picks the kids up for this very tough weekend.<P>Any ideas...? About the letter...?<P>Go ahead... be honest... but be gentle...<P>Jim<BR>------------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...

NSR,<P>IMHO, go ahead and write the nasty letter to the OM. Tell him EVERYTHING you ever wanted to say to him (go ahead and say stuff to your wife, too, while you arew at it).<P>Then my gentle friend, do NOT give it to him.<P>From your post, it seems you want to accomplish something by writing to him - to make him and your W feel guilty for the pain they are causing your children and you, too. Problem with this strategy is this:<P>If they haven't felt guilty up to this point (and I mean felt guilty enough to stop the relationship), they sure as heck aren't going to start feeling that kind of guilt becuase you write them a letter. If anything, I think your strategy will backfire. They will read the letter and use it to feel jsutified for what they are doing. YOU will be the bad guy, and as such, they will twist it around so the kids are being hurt by you - because you can't let go or you are showing your pain to them , or whatever they can concoct to absolve themselves from the guilt.<P>I wrote my H a loveletter. H never commented on it. Last week I asked him what he thought about it since he had it for over 4 weeks and never mentioned it. He said it made him feel guilty! I think he twisted my heartfelt love and emotion as a "trick" to make him feel guilty. So all my efforts were not only wasted - but backfired on me!<P>If you feel compelled to do this anyway (I know, I have done things by compulsion after advice not to do it , then just don't pin a lot of expectations that it will change your current situation fo rthe better. Again, I am afraid it will do the opposite for you.<P>Roll Me Away

NSR-<P>I agree whole heartedly with RMA.<P>Write the letter, then TEAR IT UP.<P>The act of writing the letter, WILL make<BR>you feel better and accomplish a whole lot more.<P>Hang in there and keep posting here.

Jim, It really wouldn't do any good except to make everyone angry. You might feel better having written it but it would accomplish nothing. While they are in this LA LA land they feel nothing least of all guilt, because if they did they wouldn't be with the OP and the OP doesn't feel guilt because they wouldn't be with our Ses. Now You can write the letter and tear it up or if you want someone to read it post it here. But don't give it to the OM. You would only be hurting yourself.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Hi NSR -<P>I want to start this with the gentleness you requested so :<P>Stand Up and hold out your arms....picture us coming to you one by one and giving you BIG HUGS and a warming pat and rub on your back......<P>Got them? OK....time for the help part now....<P>How tall are you? Can this 5'3" woman reach the top of your head to give you a big nuggie and then a bop to the back of it? LOL!!<P>Jim....what are you thinking? Why on earth would you want to write to OM and antagonize them further....where is the NO LOVEBUSTER in this?<P>Let's start with the common sense OK?<P>1) You know what an affair entails if you have researched infidelity..<BR>..fantasy, denial, selfishness, etc.<P>2) You know that this takes time and quite often the affair must run its course.<P>3) You know that there is nothing that you can do DIRECTLY to push this along <P>4) This time should be utilized to address and change anything on your part to rectify any problems within the marriage that may have led up to your Wife's escaping.<P>5) You know that you have to concentrate on being a good dad and husband and be strong within yourself for when she is ready to come home and the real work will begin.<P>6) Your Wife told you that she takes all this email contact etc. as abuse.<P>7) This sponge OM is a two-time MM and has apparently abandoned his wife and lacks character <P>So, why would you be even contemplating this letter? Why did you continue emails etc. to your wife after what she said to you? Why did you contact OM?<P>You have not taken any of the focus off of them.....you MUST if you want to get through this with #1-Your Sanity!! and<BR>#2 without totally alienating your wife <BR>through Lovebusting....<P>And this is lovebusting....it's a form of control!!!!<P>You can not push this along!!<P>You can not get through to them and make them have a conscience when they don't even remember their own responsibilities in life!!! <P>All you are doing is feeding her reasons to stay away from you.....<P>You are beating your own head against a wall and you will have a major concussion happening if you don't stop!!!<P>Jim - I say this with love and concern for you.......you HAVE to change your perspective on this!!! You have to refocus on yourself...you cannot control them!!!! Don't even try!!<P>I know that you have seen that this all can take a lot of time....you don't want it to, but that's the way it goes!! Accept that!!!!! Use this time to gain some strength!! Change things, she will see those changes....THAT is what will eventually get her thinking about reality with you and the kids!!<P>Start at this game....be kind - smile!<BR>You shouldn't be chummy-chummy...don't even have to do any talking if unnecessary - just nod an acknowledgement of their presence and concentrate on your son's performance in the game. Be able to talk with son about the game and to do that - you would have to watch it!!!!<P>If Wife wants to do something with kids, leave it up to the kids (barring common sense)..... Don't judge - just hold your head upright and know that you are holding your family together during this awful time. That will be part of what she admires when the fantasy starts to fade!!<P>HUGS AND STRENGTH TO YOU - You can do this!!!<P>Sheba<P>

<B>Thank you one and all!</B><P>I knew everything you were going to say to me... but sometimes you just have to hear(read) it.<P>I <B>will</B> write then letter!<BR>I <B>will</B> also <B>tear</B> it up!<P><B>RMA:</B><BR>I love myself too much to let them find a way so <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>they will twist it around so the kids are being hurt by you(me)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Thank you very much. <P><B>sidney:</B><BR>It's you guys who "keep me hanging in there"... Thanks <P><B>di:</B><BR>Good to hear from you... I guess I was hoping to fan the flames the guilt in the OM... but there really is nothing to fan... there isn't even a little bit of smoke. Thanks too! <P><B>Sheba:</B><BR>It's hard to accept that it will take <I>so</I> long... but I'm learning... It feels like she is using Plan B against me. I haven't emailed OM since about a week after discovery... and I haven't emailed W for 2 weeks now... I know that no LB is important...(I'm still in Plan A until the new year)... I will not give anyone the <B>letter</B>! I'll keep contact on Sunday to an absolute minimum. Your words <B><I>were</I></B> gentle... and hugs are always appreciated. ... Strength I'll find in me! I've always found your words to be the wisest... I hope all is going better with you too! <P>Thank you one and all.<P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited November 05, 1999).]