Exactly. This is the way the love bank works, and it's a fundamental concept around here.

Every day across the world thousands of people fall in love, usually accidentally, and usually without a clue how they did it. But it happens the same way: they spent time together doing some or all of the things that make large love bank deposits (personal conversation, enjoyable recreational activities, affection, and sexual experiences together). Do this with anyone, and you will fall in love with them, guaranteed.

This is why a man and woman can't spend time with each other and call it "not a date" and somehow be magically protected from falling in love with each other by calling it "not a date."

yes I know these things,and I've just talked w my w and said you need to be totally transparent about this relationship if this is going to work, I want a happy healthy family full of love and no secrets, it can be great if we have the same goal in mind, I said a little more about love and honesty and that they were obviously filling eachothers en's, but I can fill her needs if she would only let me.

she totalyy agreed w me and said she was sorry for creating this distance and seeing me in a false light, and that she would be totally honest w me about everything, she said she does want the same thing as me, so I guess we'll see where it goes tonight.

tuned that sounds like progress.

From Tunedin: she totalyy agreed w me and said she was sorry for creating this distance and seeing me in a false light, and that she would be totally honest w me about everything, she said she does want the same thing as me, so I guess we'll see where it goes tonight.

I'm sorry to tell you this, but she's probably lying. Please follow MelodyLane's advice.

Yep. Trust, but verify.

Typically, you don't win your wife over by persuading her to follow this approach. You win her over by disrupting any other relationships that are depositing love units, which finally gives you the chance to make deposits.

This is not progress.

Have you read the carrot & stick of Plan A?

You don't try to talk her "out" of her affair (and yes, this is an affair) This is exact opposite of what you want to be doing. You need to snoop in order to get your evidence so we can help you with the next step, and she will be more careful if you keep bringing the OM up.

Did you ever get the VAR as was suggested in the other thread?

I just want to point out that it was suggested to you over and over that there was an affair and that you needed to snoop. I believe you kept posting that you had checked everything out and there was no affair -- so but you hadn't checked the phone numbers that were listed on the phone bill?

I am not trying to give you hard time, tuned, but I hope that you can see now that waywards are great at gaslighting -- and BS's typically are in a good place to be gaslit because they don't want to believe their spouse would lie, manipulate and cheat.

Look at the actions and Ignore what she's saying. Asking for a separation and erasing texts are the actions of a person in an affair. This is what Dr Harley says and what we see on these boards over and over and over again.

Hang in there.

The cure for all of this is Dr. Harley's policy of undivided attention. It typically cures depressed wives (it's certainly the first thing to try), and it typically establishes the romantic connection if you are consistent with it.

The ingredients are:
* 15 hours total per week spent together
* alone. No friends. No kids (who are awake).
* meeting the 4 intimate emotional needs: conversation, recreational companionship, affection, and sexual fulfillment. (Emphasis on the conversation and recreation will probably be necessary at first. It must be a casual, easy, enjoyable time.)
* No electronic devices.

These kinds of back and forths make love bank withdrawals. Don't try to prove to her that she wouldn't do this if she had nothing to hide; she already knows that.

Instead, snoop and gather your evidence. The more you talk to her about it, the more she will go underground and try to hide things, which will make the task of disrupting the affair much more difficult for you.

She is not going to be your partner in this. Don't try to have partner conversations with her about it. She will not be buying into that kind of partnership any time in the immediate future. You will need to eliminate the competition first.

1. Gather evidence
2. Expose
3. Weather the storm
4. Present the plan to rebuild the marriage

tunedin, have you listened to Dr. Harley's radio show, yet? I strongly suggest you start listening every day. You will start to absorb this material and learn what you need to do by looking at many different but similar situations over and over again. Your marriage is too important to miss this daily marriage "class":

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

Read all of these:

The Critical Importance of Undivided Attention (Excellent forum thread)
The Policy of Undivided Attention (Basic Concepts article by Dr. Harley)
The Question of the Ages (Article by Dr. Harley)

I agree, she probably is still lying about some of this, I will keep my eyes and ears open, the var didnt prove much as this is mostly txt messaging,I will take what she tells me knowing that,but I can't deny that this is progress, I will be able to tell if shes lying tonite, and will tell her that I trust her ,so I can still snoop.meanwhile I still follow all the approaches outlined.

And a keylogger on her computer and spyware on her phone.

What kind of phone does she have?

Do you have spyware on this?

How days have you used it? Don't write it off yet, keep using it daily

Just keep in mind that all the approaches are a COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME if there is an affair. It is like taking an aspirin for cancer. You have cancer and if you don't get it out in the open and get treatment, your marriage will rot from the inside out. I am certain she is having an affair. You are going to have this take seriously or you will lose your marriage, my friend. If you don't pay attention to this and be strategic and clever to get the evidence, you are not going to make it.

You have NOT been snooping all this time even though we told you how important it was.

NOW, how will you get those text messages? You already know she is hiding something. She deleted the texts and then changed her password. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. And don't tell me this crap about her childhood. That is a pack of hooey that means nothing. She hid it because she is doing something wrong.

We need you to take this more seriously than US and so far I haven't seen it. The affair cannot be swept under the rug anymore. All the need meetin' and whatever will be of no avail if you don't get to the truth of her affair.

You said that you can't afford cell phone spyware. Can you afford a divorce?

no, I can;t afford either, she told me the password to our cell account, and I know she will just find another way. Is there any other way to get to the texts. I know you guys say it means nothing, but for what its worth she did say she was sorry again last night and that she wanted to work on us, and she agreed to the undivided attn, I know I need proof I just need a cheaper way to get it, we dont make alot of money and I dont want to fall behind on all of our payments.

she has a blackberry, If I could figure a way to get into her work email that might prove usefull.

Here.

Spyware for BlackBerry

When you looked at the online phone records did you check text messages and see a number that had a lot of activity?

Then you could go from there and see who owns it.

It looks like there is a free spyware program for blackberrys. I have never tried it and won't vouch for it, but it looks like it might give you what you need. It is here:
http://appworld.blackberry.com/webstore/content/98981/