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I hope it's ok to post this here... doesn't seem like the divorced forum gets as much traffic...


My boyfriend (who has recently begun talking about marriage) is still on the home equity loan they took out on the house his ex got as part of their divorce settlement. The decree says she is responsible for the payments, but her credit is so bad she can't refinance to get his name off the loan. They have no kids, but she won?t move because it was her parent?s home. She is constantly behind (usually 1-2 months) and recently the bank was threatening foreclosure. She came up with some money to stay off foreclosure, but remains behind. He?s tired of getting letters from the bank so he wants to pay it up and give her a stern talking to about staying current from now on.

I told him my experience has been that if he does this she will simply keep getting behind on the mortgage, knowing he will step in and pay it, so I don't like this idea. On the other hand, from teaching Larry Burkett and Dave Ramsey courses at my church, I know the "right" thing for him to do is make sure the debt is eventually paid.

He is worried about his credit. I told him his credit is already shot because she's been 1-2 months behind for almost a year now.

What do you think?? Have you ever been in this situation? How did it work out?


"If you will stop feeding your feelings, then they will stop controlling you" -Joyce Meyer
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PS: I finally admitted to him the reason this bothers me so much is that she reminds me of my ex and as we begin to think about a life together I don't want to end up always paying her bills because she knows he will.

My ex flat out told me to my face he would continue to do that kind of stuff because he knew I, wanting to keep my military clearance, would do anything it took to keep paying the bills. I finally had to bite the bullet and let him ruin my credit, but at least he learned his lesson and isn't late on bills anymore.


"If you will stop feeding your feelings, then they will stop controlling you" -Joyce Meyer
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No.



"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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NADA


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Hedoublehockeysticks no.


"Get busy living, or get busy dying"...... The Shawshank Redemption.
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No way.


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No. Your boyfriend is too close to his ex

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I am no financial wizard but I'm quite certain you don't need to refinance to have your name removed from a mortgage you are no longer responsible for. I'm surprised this wasn't worked out in the divorce settlement. What person would want to leave their name on a piece of property they don't actually own? Or does he have a stake in the game here? I don't understand the settlement.

She's proven she isn't trustworthy in making the payments. He should proceed with getting his name removed from the mortgage. If she can't make the payments (alone) then she needs to find her way without her ex being her safety net. I'm guessing once he starts the process of removing his name they'll no longer honor the mortgage.

They are divorced. They should have zero dependencies on each other seeing they have no children together.


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You do have to refinance to get your name off a mortgage.

Daisy to answer your question, no I would not KEEP paying it.....I would spend my resources forcing her hand I court....that is not easy, but if she won't pay a judge will force her to sell. And he should be able to recoup his share of the payments he has made once it does sell.

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Marriage = partnership, companionship, shared decisions, helping each other, paying things together, conversations, FRIENDS

Divorce = no partnership, no companionship, independent decisions without consulting each other, not helping each other, buying your own things, no conversations, STRANGERS

Why would somebody do marital things with somebody they are not married to? I would almost never help a stranger with a mortgage. Somebody I'm divorced from is a stranger. In fact, somebody I'm divorced from is somebody who has actively hurt me, an enemy, a danger to me. Why would I help pay their mortgage? If I'm feeling charitable, there are plenty of people who are actually deserving of my help and are actually in need.

The one exception to this scenario would be if I were trying to pursue her and win her back (and even then paying a mortage might not be how I'd go about it). And if I were doing that, I would NOT be pursuing other relationships!!!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
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I could almost see it if there were kids living there but... No kids, no dice.
Time for a boundary check.
My wife has been very clear along the way what she would tolerate as far as my interactions with the ex- hardly any. Cs is all she gets and communication is strictly child related.

I bet Dave Ramsey would have something to say and I bet its not what you think, even if you do teach the class. Why dont you call him- what a great show he has. I'd be curious about his response.

Opt


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Would a quitclaim help in removing his liability for the mortgage?



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Daisy I a good friend of mine went through the same thing. Her ex couldn't refinance because his credit was bad, but he couldn't afford the payments, either. The divorce agreement gave him a year to refinance, so she waited the year and then I don't remember exactly what she did, but the house did foreclose and it had to do with something she filed. The bank didn't give her the right information, they told her there was nothing she could do. She had to go to an attorney to find out what to do. Her credit was shot for a number of years after that but she had no good options.


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Originally Posted by LifetimeLearner
Would a quitclaim help in removing his liability for the mortgage?

No. A quit claim only relinquishes his rights to the property...has nothing to do with responsibility to the mortgage holder.

If she was ordered to make the payments as part of the divorce settlement and she is failing to do that then he should be able to file a contempt charge against her and request immediate relief by getting a judges order to sell the property.

So the real question is why is he making the payments? If it is to attempt to save his credit then I totally understand that but he needs to take steps to extricate himself from her legally. If he is paying just to bail her out....that is a different issue.....a boundary issue.

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Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
Daisy I a good friend of mine went through the same thing. Her ex couldn't refinance because his credit was bad, but he couldn't afford the payments, either. The divorce agreement gave him a year to refinance, so she waited the year and then I don't remember exactly what she did, but the house did foreclose and it had to do with something she filed. The bank didn't give her the right information, they told her there was nothing she could do. She had to go to an attorney to find out what to do. Her credit was shot for a number of years after that but she had no good options.

I would think her mistake was in waiting the year....because if he wasn't making the payments for a year he was in violation of a judges order and something should have been filed right away.

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Originally Posted by optimism
My wife has been very clear along the way what she would tolerate as far as my interactions with the ex- hardly any.

laugh You got yourself a good woman there, opt!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
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Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
So the real question is why is he making the payments?

He's not. He's tired of it always being late and wanted to make a payment that catches it up.

I, too, was ordered by court to get my ex off a loan for one of our properties (and he was supposed to get me off the other). But neither of us qualify to refinance.

We took our names off each others property through quitclaim deed, but that does not absolve us from the financial obligation we signed to the bank.

So I don't think he can get himself off that loan- especially if she's so bad with money that she probably can't qualify to refinance.


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Quote
I would think her mistake was in waiting the year....because if he wasn't making the payments for a year he was in violation of a judges order and something should have been filed right away.

Yes, the bank came to her within a month or so to let her know the payments weren't being made. But then she asked them what she can do and the phone support person told her there was nothing she could do. She contacted the attorney after a year, and that was when she found out what to file.

Daisy, what would your boyfriend think of contacting an attorney to find out what his rights are? Some give free phone consultations.


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Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
Quote
I would think her mistake was in waiting the year....because if he wasn't making the payments for a year he was in violation of a judges order and something should have been filed right away.

Yes, the bank came to her within a month or so to let her know the payments weren't being made. But then she asked them what she can do and the phone support person told her there was nothing she could do. She contacted the attorney after a year, and that was when she found out what to file.

Daisy, what would your boyfriend think of contacting an attorney to find out what his rights are? Some give free phone consultations.


That is what figured. I don't operate that way myself and have a hard time understanding the passivity. I would NOT been satisfied with an answer of there is nothing you can do.
I agree daisy...suggest to your bf he contact an attorney.....the one who did his divorce would be a good place to start.

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I agree daisy...suggest to your bf he contact an attorney.....the one who did his divorce would be a good place to start.

Thanks everyone.

I did originally suggest he talk to a lawyer, but I actually recommended against talking to the one who did his divorce. Reason being, the lawyer should have advised him about this possibility and made recommendations (such as forcing sale of the house) should he be stuck in this boat.

When I got divorced, the lawyer talked to me about all this stuff.


"If you will stop feeding your feelings, then they will stop controlling you" -Joyce Meyer
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