I think the first bracket is missing. They usually look like this:

[quote=Zhamila] (or any user name) then the bracket you see above at the end. Try Quick Quote, and just be sure to keep the first set of brackets.

I remember us working on our old house together...team work.....I think there is more to the problem.....I did not intensionally start the fight....remember....I was doing it to build up the love bank....I have been doing nothing for months.....I was trying to make her a nice home or at least working towards a goal that we have....

But, you did barb her about her "not doing her part."

Did you not?

What, exactly did you think making such a statment would do? Cause her to feel overwhelming love for you and strip you of your clothes right there?

Of course not.

I did barb her....
I did. I said it with out thinking...
I thought by saying that ...then she would do her part and we could accomplish a goal that we both have in a faster manner...plus work together in a way that would build trust....have a since of accomplishment not only by getting the room done but by just working together....the argument and ill feelings were more pointed to the past few months... digging in her heals...she wasnt going to help me cause I was home all day......it seems to me her heart simply is not here....I do all kinds of other things for her and our family.....I was'nt looking for sf...I was looking for productive companionship.

If you want productive companionship, hire some dude to help you out.


Your wife is there to be pleasant and romantic companion.


If you aren't happy with the things you do "for her and the family," don't do them.

This program never advocates that you do something that makes you unhappy. That kind of sacrifice eventually leads to resentment.

I can do that and it makes complete sense...

Your wife should also not agree to do things that make her unhappy.

If she has no intention of painting because she hates it, she should not agree to do it.

If she does something she hates by your request, she will feel negative towards you.

Please be careful here. These are disrespectful judgements: saying she's "digging in her heels" and "her heart is not here." You are mind-reading and that's disrespectful.

Also, be glad she is being Open and Honest with you about how she feels about painting! You don't want to gain at her expense - that will just build resentment and ultimately destroy her love for you.

The fact that you "said it without thinking" just means that disrespect is a habit you've developed over time. The good news is that you can un-learn that habit as you create a wonderful marriage together, based upon deep respect for each others' feelings.

What is the goal? That you two will be IN LOVE. (hint: the goal isn't a painted mud room - if your house is painted but you hate each other, you've missed your goal)

You're doing great - these daily interactions are the perfect thing to post here and you are learning fast! You guys will be experts in no time!

There is way too much demand and expectation in your thoughts. You have a predetermined path of what should be done based on your current thought process.

If you want to make love deposits THEN YOU DO something without expectation of something in return.
If you�d like her to do something because you need help or it would make deposits in your LB then make a RESPECTFUL REQUEST. If she turns you down it�s OK and it's OK to voice your disappointment as long as you can do it with respect. If she turns you down that means that is an area where you can propose to negotiate a solution.

I realize that I did not meet her top emotional need. What I said ticked her off. It was not admirable. She has changed in a way that she is very irritable to the slightest comment..It is possible she is having menopausal symptoms. I need help with voicing my disappointment in a respectful way. She is very fragile these days and I feel that I need to voice my concerns but I cant without hurting her feelings

BBall,

There are two sides to the love bank. Meeting emotional needs deposit units into the love bank. Lovebusters take love bank units away. Making selfish demands (paint the wall), speaking disrespectful judgements (digging in her heels) or having angry outbursts will withdraw love bank units and make meeting the emotional needs impossible.

Try using the phrase, "How would you feel about ...?" when you would like your wife to do something.

AM

Use positive statements and avoid the negatives like the plague. Instead of saying I wish you wouldn't do this instead say "I would love it if we could .....".

I hope we can train ourselves to do this. After each fight, and there has been a lot lately, seems as if we get further and further apart.

Thank you all for your comments

Here's a good clip on DJs. Tell us what you get from it.
Radio Clip on DJs

Today there has not been much said to one another. I am afraid to say anything. I am still holding ill feelings toward the ao that was pointed at me. She is tired this evening and not doing much. I need a sincere apology from her for her AO in order for me to move on. That is one thing that i feel she doesnt do and hasn't done in the course of our marriage..

BH, DJ clip is complicated to me. I will have to listen to it a few times to grasp it fully.

You can sit around staring at your navel or you can be proactive in moving your R (and this current silent treatment) forward.

You two have done plenty you need to apologize for. For you to expect an apology for this one AO is ludicrous. How about before you expect an apology you apologize for all the harsh lovebusting things you�ve done to her for the last how many years? Clean up your side of the street and quit expecting her to go first. You�re here trying to learn so I�m telling you you need to make changes first before you can expect her to do the same. Otherwise you�ll keep getting what you�ve been getting and giving.

I�d suggest you walk up to her and explain that you�re a little afraid to talk with her because you�re upset about the AO and you�re unsure how to clear the air. By simply starting that conversation you can clear the air. However don�t expect an apology but rather expect to find a solution to the way you two treat each other. Start setting some ground rules for your conversations. READ DR. HARLEY�S DIRECTIONS ON HOW TO DO THIS!!!!!

The ground rules for having these conversations are explained in this article Click Me that talks about successful negotiations. Read it. Learn it. This is not only how you negotiate but how go about discussing everything.

I am not one to hide my feelings. I don't know if I can be pleasant and cheerful when I am not. I would be faking it...I would feel dishonest. I guess I can try it...

BBall,

You don't have to be fake and act pleasant and cheerful. You DO have to avoid the lovebusters of selfish demands, disrespectful judgements and angry outbursts. And don't just try it; actually do it.

I agree. Read the material about how to have a pleasant conversation and how to negotiate.

AM

We had a discussion last night. I went to her and asked her if she wanted to talk. I felt the need to apologize for my DJ last night. I could see the anger in her eyes...

It sounds so easy...I wish we could record our fights and discussions so we could see ourselves....We have so much resentment toward each other....

To paraphrase my anger management therapist:

Yes, be dishonest, then! IT'S BETTER THAN WHAT YOU ARE DOING NOW.