Our best friend told me today that I am holding on to false hope. That was almost more discouraging than hearing it from my H. Even when I talked to Joyce the other day she said something about how I may need to just deal with being a D woman. I feel like my situation is not looking good. I am in the middle of the D right now. Am I delusional to think that this could work?

My friends and family say the same thing. Yet, I know what my endgame and I follow the program and push forward. IMO the people close to is have zero knowledge on how to save a marriage. Even though they have good intentions they are probably wanting to end our pain. So ask yourself what do you want? Write it down and list the steps using the MB principles. Take it from there!

Read others threads and you will see the scripts are the same just different actors. Even though you are the offender alot of people here are rooting for you. I wish my WW had the sense/remorse you have and come back home. Do you attend a church? Do you have a solid support structure of the same sex friends? Please eliminate all OS friends you have as you are very vulnerable to another affair.

SD,

A lot of my friends said the same thing. My In laws shunned me and would not even allow me near them or their house for almost a year. I noticed you said "OUR" best friend. That means that this is a friend you both share and they are probably listening to your H express his anger towards you as well.

If he (I really hope it is a he) is hearing his pain and anger, than of course he is going to say this.

It really does not matter what anyone else says or feels at this point. Like TD says, it is still your call.

If my H or I listened to what our friends and family said we would be divorced right now. It is not their life, it is yours!!!

In addition, if this friend is a he, you should not really be talking to him one on one right now.

If this friend is a she, then she should not be talking to your H right now and I would really be questioning her intentions.

Our friend is the one who introduced us. He is male. I am talking with him and his wife but he knows my H and I much better than his wife does. I've known him for many years and there has never been a threat there of attraction. I understand what you are saying, though. I just know my H would never consider this friend as a threat and I am not in the least attracted to him. Plus, I love his wife.

It is so hard with all the discouragement. I know that he is hearing my H's anger just like I do if not more. My mother in law and I spoke this week and she is sad about the D. But she also said he seems better now and not as angry. She told me never give up hope but he's not coming back for now and seems to be moving on. I woke up in the middle of the night last night thinking about what my H told me the other day. He said he wished he never married me! Ouch. That really hurt. I really hope he didn't mean that since he also told me that he loved me fiercely before the A.

Again, he is having a roller coaster of emotions. As many will tell you on here there is a very fine line between love and hate. It is indifference (him not caring one way or the other) that you have to worry about.

I am not saying his AO are in any way good or appropriate but they are a positive sign that he does still love you, that is why he is so mad because he can't stop loving you even after all you have done to him.

He loves you but he hates what you have done to him. He is conflicted because his heart is telling him he still loves you, his mind is telling him you are not good for him and reminding his heart that you broke it and stomped on it.

He does not mean what he says but is protecting himself from you. I know exactly how you feel.

SunDancer,

I am a BH. D-Day for me was in Feb 2011. My WW�s last contact with POSOM was April 2011, confirmed through intense monitoring.

From Feb 2011 until Aug 2012, my wife led me to believe I had caught her affair in the early stages and �saved� her from making the biggest mistake of her life. I went all-in on reconciling with her and opened myself up to her emotionally like I never had before.

After a series of curious incidents, I decided to dig a bit deeper into my wife�s past and, in Aug 2012, proved that my wife had been involved in a PA with POSOM for approximately two years prior to D-Day. Even as the evidence unfolded, she vehemently denied and gaslighted me.

I was quite willing to reconcile with my WW after her affair, but the lying has destroyed her in my eyes. That�s the part I still can�t bring myself to forgive. The utter contempt she showed for me by lying is revealing of her character, the kind of person she really is, deep-down, where it counts. Where I count.

I think of Saving Private Ryan, when the American squad catches a German soldier. They waffle back-and-forth on whether to imprison him, kill him, or let him go. They ultimately decide to give him a second chance and let him go. Toward the end of the movie, the American who lobbied most passionately to save the German soldier�s life finds himself alone in a room with the same German soldier � who promptly repays his savior by looking him in the eye while slowly, purposefully, driving a bayonet through his heart.

In the movie, the American, mercifully, died. In real life, your husband will relive the cold-eyed, slow-motion heart-piercing over, and over, and over again.

I resolved to not make any life-changing decision while under the duress of extreme emotion, so I�ve stayed. As the emotions subside and my reason and logic begin to prevail, my path becomes clearer. Every day, I lose a little more love for my WW. Every day, I see more opportunity in a life that no longer includes her. In the saddest of ironies, my staying for this long will eventually be even more devastating to her, as the papers will be served out of a clear, blue sky.

Given her history, how can I ever know when my wife is telling the truth about anything? Does she even know how to be open and honest? Even if she could and did change, how could I ever know it isn�t just another one of her lies? It�s a never-ending logic-loop that erodes sanity.

Just wanted to provide you a little insight. This is the problem you face. This is the problem you created.

I got the books, we did the worksheets. She may have saved herself had she truly adopted the Marriage Builders approach instead of using it as a tool to further entrench her lies.

On the other hand, I may not have been able to forgive her regardless of what she did.

I�m in no hurry to decide. Ultimately, it is my choice.

Just as it is your husband�s.

I told my wife this weekend that it was time that she started caring for my heart and the damage that she caused. If you can do that, if you can show is heart the care that it needs, you may well end up reconcilling. It is HIS choice to do that at this point.

You must love him and be completely honest with him at all times. You must have no expectations for what he will/should do.

BOUNDARIES, my dear.

As a WW whom wants to earn her "F" you must have strong, strong BOUNDARIES and strong extraordinary precautions.

The Harleys will say on the show "it's our job to protect our love banks from others, who shouldn't be, making deposits".

Yea this friend worries me. I would stop talking to this friend. Have another support group. Church, women's group, blood family.

I am so sorry about your situation Old Horse. I can imagine a 2 year A is devastating. The lying for that long is also really heartbreaking.

I do see your point and my H has told me that the lying was hard. However, he took me back after all of it was out with open arms. I see him in a lot of pain still. I am giving him space and love. Meanwhile, I am working hard on being authentic. Maybe one day he will see that. I can only hope that he can find it in his heart to love me too.

Although he expresses indifference by saying things like he doesn't care, when he talks about it, he gets so angry. He told me not to mistake his anger for caring. I tend to disagree.

I see something still there because I know him. I do agree that his heart and head are conflicted. I am just being pleasant to him now.

I am tightening my boundaries and I hear what you are saying. It probably is best to keep space from our friend.

Wow,

It looks like things are really fresh for you. I am so sorry.

I agree, I am being gentle with his heart now and I don't want to hurt him. I sat next to him today while we were getting our taxes done and I felt the butterflies in my stomach. I love him so much. I am learning not to have expectations, but it is the hardest lesson of my life. I am hoping to be the best person I can be regardless of the outcome. It's hard to let go.

I hold on to hope. No matter how down I get about it, I still hold on to some thread of hope. Meanwhile, all I can do is open the door to him and be there for him. I know him well and know that he needs the space right now.

Good SD.

All you can do is control yourself and not others.

How have your interactions been with him lately?

We have put our daughter in counseling so my H and I had to meet with the C today. She asked what lead to the separation. We talked about it and it was so hard. He is still just so hurt. He does think I am the one who asked him to leave in December. He also said that he just can't love someone who did this to him because it is the worst pain he has ever felt in his life. When we left, I looked at him and just simply said, "I'm sorry." He said, "I know you are." That is the first time he has ever looked at me and said that. It was absolutely heartbreaking.

It's the worst feeling in the world...I still remember it well and reading this post brought it back to me. To know that you are essentially the one who destroyed your family and broke your H's heart into a million pieces.

I will NEVER forgot when my H told me that I destroyed his heart and he would NEVER be able to put the pieces back together again.

It almost makes you want to crawl into a hole and die....but that would be the same as throwing yourself a pity party.

No, you can't ever take back what you did...it hurts, is stinks, its painful for everyone. However, you can control your future, your future actions, and push yourself through the pain.

Even if he doesn't want to hear it, tell your H no matter what you are there for him. Pep has a really good line that she tells waywards to use on their BS's.

My mind is farting right now and it is on the tip of my tongue. I am going to look it up and put it on here.

The Post below is one that Pep posted to me when my H was very angry with me and was not responding well to my "Im Sorry"



Something you need to understand, from the betrayed's viewpoint. OK? This is intended to help you change your course. Not to admonish you.

When I was freshly betrayed, my husband's continual 'sorry' was very annoying. To say the least. I did not trust his 'sorry'. It felt disingenuous. In my mind I was thinking:

"Yeah. You're sorry alright. Sorry you got caught. Sorry you can't pretend it did not happen."

You get the idea, right?

Instead of "Every time" telling him how 'sorry' you are .... SHOW him how changed you are.

Your 'sorry' over & over is worth less than a plug nickel. It has little, if any, lasting value. (as far as your H is concerned)

Demonstrate how much you have changed.

You are allowed to say "I am so sorry" ..... but understand it is not enough. Do not stop there.

Continue to say "I will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to make this[b] right."[/b]

And, every day ask: "Is there anything I can do for you today?"

15....really good job on this thread (as well as others)

1. Instead of saying "I'm going to keep fighting for this marriage" how about "I'm going to respect your wishes and cooperate, however, I am also going to attempt to earn your forgiveness if you'll let me". You can respect his wishes, prepare yourself for the possible outcome of being single AND make yourself a viable option for husband to reconsider and reconcile with.

2. Commit to trying for 2 years (from today or a divorce). No matter how convinced you are that husband is done...even if your divorced and not speaking for two years you will BEHAVE as though you are married to your husband. Hopefully, your actions, over time will earn his trust.

3. I didn't catch how young your child is...but if she is young, I'm sure your husband is also tortured by the notion that if he divorces you he opens the door for another man...eventually...to enter your life, your home and the (part-time) home of his daughter. At some point you can assure him you intend to focus on your daughter and after several years if you did decide to date you'd do so only with his permission and introduce the man to your daughter only with husband's approval. Something like that...I'm just thinking out loud here.

Seems I had some good posts on 15 thread back in the days she was going through this exact same thing.

Godspeed,
Mr. W

Mr. Wondering,

I do remember you very well and am still very grateful for your wonderful and honest advice (in which I am trying to use to help others). One thing that I decided no matter what the outcome of my marriage may be was that I was going to use my experience to help others just like so many did for me on this site.

In going back through my stitch today it is amazing to me how much I have grown, learned...and am still learning.

Now back to SD, you now have Mr. Wondering (Wonderful) giving you advice. Read it and read it over again.