Also, this can't be just up to your mother - any way she wants it, that's the way she gets it. She will have to work with you on her care and make it something that is good for YOU.

Just because you agreed to something ages ago doesn't mean it can't be changed. It wasn't something you should have agreed to in the first place.

Yes, you can help her by finding care for her but it doesn't have to be YOU taking her into your home and putting your marriage at risk.

She can go live with her brother.
I'm assuming your uncle does not take care of a toddler.

Let everybody know you aren't enthusiastic about the plan any more, and that a new plan will need to be made.

My uncle absolutely will not do it. That's why they decided to put my grandmother's house up for sale. They can't stand each other and are barely on speaking terms. I doubt we'll ever hear from my uncle again once the house is sold.

If this is not POJA (on BOTH sides, even you must be enthusiastic) then you know this could ruin your marriage/life.

Now, I'm quite sympathetic, and we are in a similar situation except that we are both enthusiastic to add my elderly father-in-law to the home.

Inviting a domineering parent into the home, particularly into a family in recovery, is a terrible idea and you know this. Whether or not your mother likes her other options, is her problem to have. She has made choices in life including not to live alone, so she has some decisions to make.

Your marriage comes before everything else. When the marriage is strong, the rest of the family is strong.

I think I'm trying to find a way to be enthusiastic. I'm trying to find a solution that will work for everyone. I guess I'm just not sure what that is yet.

Although your marriage is in recovery, there have been/are plenty of other dynamics adding to marital stress. There are financial issues and previous family issues with the grown children. I believe adding the stress of caring for a demanding parent without being wholly on-board would be a mistake.

AM

I am wondering if this might be a way to get you guys out of that High COL area....If you move to a lower COL area you could probably find a way to have your mom live on her own. For instance the small town in AR where my mom lives has very decent public housing which someone in your mom's shoes could live in for free. And you and your dh and dd could afford to live in that area as well.

x2

This may not seem like an easy thing to do, but if your marriage is going to succeed, you have to put it first. This means your mom doesn't come ahead of your marriage, regardless of her 'expectations.' She's an adult, with a lifetime of decisions and choices behind her. You are not an extension of your mom, and she shouldn't expect you to risk your marriage and family to accommodate her desires.

I know a real-life, very ugly story about two families destroyed as a result of parents and children living together. It's too gross to relate, but you can look up my archived thread in the SAA forum if you're curious. (then you can put me on "ignore" after you read it!)

Are there no sweet l'il ole ladies who would appreciate a roomate/friend?

Don't do it! I have a big house and even our adult daughter whom kept to herself in her bedroom was a distraction and caused tension & privacy issues amongst us. She's moved out now.

I can only take 3-4 days w/relatives in our home. After that, you start hearing how you should live this way or that way etc. If you and your hubby are struggling w/one anothers' habits your mom will trump it all w/her particular requirements.

It sounds like you have difficulty placing boundaries on your Mom and her demands. And it sounds like she has groomed you to follow the tradition of living together in late years. No wonder your instincts and intuition and everything else is going haywire. Listen to your own warning bells. Call Steve H if you can afford or call radio show. In fact this might be a good way to get your hubby rolling on MB.

Why can't she rent a room somewhere nearby you? Perhaps in another home.

I won't put you on ignore, but I will guarantee that nothing like that is a remote possibility in our case. You would have to see my mother and my DH to understand, but let's just say the age difference and the difference in their physical conditions would make the mere thought completely ludicrous. It would basically be a very young looking, moderately athletic, fit man having an affair with a partially incontinent, wheelchair bound old woman. I'm not even going to go there, because it makes me kind of nauseous and I think it might actually make my DH throw up.

Yes, boundaries are an issue for me in general. Right now, my 18-year-old son is still living with us, even though he was supposed to either get a job or go back to school as a condition for staying here. That was the agreement we came to back in September, and so far, he's done nothing. He spends every day either sleeping or skateboarding with his friends and smoking weed. DH wants to keep trying to "help" him, but I don't see how letting him live here and continue to do nothing is helping anyone. DH has finally agreed to throw him out if he doesn't have a job by the end of April, but he's agreed to this before and it hasn't happened.

With my mom, it's hard because I have pretty much been told for 40 years that my mom would eventually be my responsibility. And I know for a fact that my grandmother was relying on me to take over my mother's care after she was gone. My grandma spent her entire life taking care of my mom. Now that she's gone, I do feel like it is my responsibility. I really am the only family my mom has that can do this.

Wow, reading back over all of this, even I'm not surprised by the fact that I frequently think about packing a backpack and disappearing into the hills in the middle of the night on a fairly regular basis. I call it my Grizzly Adams syndrome.

I think I have a very over-developed sense of guilt and misplaced responsibility, but I have absolutely no idea what to do about it.

I think I have a very over-developed sense of guilt and misplaced responsibility, but I have absolutely no idea what to do about it.

Oh, so it's merely an "information/knowledge" problem, not the more difficult "emotional disability" kind of issue.

Okay, here's how you dispense with your "over-developed sense of guilt and misplaced responsibility". You say "No", and you repeat "No" whenever anyone attempts to change your mind, whether applying guilt, coercion, or any other underhanded means.

Glad to help.

If your grandmother had been serious about her reliance on you to take care of your mother, she should have made financial decisions to aide you. She could have left all her estate to you, rather than split it between your mother and uncle. She could have left a trust for you to take care of your mother. She chose not to do that.

It sounds as if you are going to move your mother into your house, even though you don't want to. It sounds as though your son will continue to freeload off you and your husband, even though you don't want him to. I would not wish your future on anyone, so good luck to you.

AM

The reason my grandmother didn't do that is because she felt an obligation to take care of my uncle (financially at least) as well. Both my mom and my uncle (and my aunt, my uncle's wife) had been living in my grandmother's house with her for about 10 years before she passed away. Neither my uncle nor my mom had the financial ability to live on their own, and physically, my grandmother couldn't live on her own. My grandma knew that both my mom and my uncle would need the money from the sale of the house after she passed away in order to make ends meet.

Your on a collision course sandwiched between the freeloading generations! Run for the hills. Or, pull out the phone book and look up social services in your community that can aide your Mom.

If your Mom is elderly, perhaps look for Adult Foster Care near you. She actually might be much happier to be where sh is nearby but where there are special services for her. If she has not tried it she might be surprised.

I'm just saying there may be other options to explore. It does not sound like you have the space. Be honest with your Mom. I know Steve H told my husband to back me up in front of our children whether he agrees with me or not. Same w/Mom. Children and parent will triangulate w/your husband and you and kill your marriage.

I have in fact said no to my son living here, a number of times. But the decision isn't mine alone. My husband has been much more lax about it, though I think even he's getting tired of it now. But saying no doesn't stop my son from showing up at the door every night. If we don't let him in, he makes a scene and disturbs the neighbors. We've actually spoken to the police and they told us that, if our son receives mail here (he does), then he is a legal resident of our apartment (even though he's not on the lease and doesn't pay rent). They told us we would have to go through a formal eviction process to make him leave. I don't know how to do that, since we just rent our apartment, we don't own it. And I have no idea how we would pay for something like that.

See my earlier post about using this as the spring board you need to get out of that High COL area....I would pack up and get out of there and not give your ds your forwarding address! But as you say your dh will have to be behind such a decision, so you are really stuck with your ds.

As for your mom, I would call social services and tell them that you do not have the means for her to come and live with you and what do they suggest you do.

We do intend to move to an area with a lower COL as soon as possible. But this will still depend on my husband being able to find a job somewhere cheaper first. He's been applying for all sorts of positions for a long time, but he just doesn't seem to be able to get another job. He has a consistent work history (albeit at a rather low-level job in the business field - customer service) and he will have his MBA by October. He's had a lot of phone interviews, but nothing has progressed much further than that. He simply can't quit his job and move us somewhere without a job lined up for him when he gets there. We can't afford that and it seems foolhardy in this economy to even consider it.

And, our son will NOT be coming with us when we do move. I guarantee that.

We've actually spoken to the police and they told us that, if our son receives mail here (he does), then he is a legal resident of our apartment (even though he's not on the lease and doesn't pay rent).

They are lying, so they do not have to put down their donuts and actually earn the excessive salaries that you pay them. The names on the lease are there for a reason - they establish legal possession.

But you do not need them. Lock the door. Do not open it when he starts to cause a ruckus. Call the police and have him arrested for disturbing the peace. SHOW SOME FORTITUDE! If I remember correctly, this was the the same son who broke into your previous abode through the window, right?

But, you're not going to do any of this, are you? You're about one note away from lambasting NG for being rude, abusive, etc, etc, and once again leaving the site until the next crisis that you do nothing to avert or terminate.