Wanted to post on this topic too since you mention detroit . Michigan is much bigger than just detroit. I'm in Northern Michigan and even though it's really cold right now and we have lots of snow (I'm loving it col is really cheap. I'm not sure exactly what rent is like (I own for less than $800/month) you can check out this website for rentals. I believe all over the state of Michigan. www.michiganhousinglocator.com

Although, if you do make a Southern California to the frigid north move, I'd suggest April, not January. We've BTDT and I think we're lucky we didn't die. For Real!

I love the great lakes area.

I guess what it all boils down to is that, while I am 100% convinced that MB works and that following the program leads to a happy, passionate marriage, I'm not 100% convinced that it is possible for me to follow it at this point in my life.

I've known a lot of married couples in real life, some of them happy, some of them not. None of them knew of MB and none of them spent 15 hours together every week without their children. Every person I've ever talked to about the program in real life thinks it is pretty much impossible for a married couple with young children to go out on four, four-hour dates every week. My husband thinks it's impossible. All of my kids think it is impossible. My husband's family thinks it's impossible. And none of them support attempting to do it. The only support I get for it is here.

But even here, I've never seen anyone post a schedule for how the four, four-hour dates out of the house a week works when you have young children and would have to hire a baby sitter for every one of those 16 hours. I would love to see how that looks. When do these dates occur? How much will it cost (here, I'm guessing it would be around $160/week, since sitters start at a minimum of $10/hr.) How do you handle work schedules and family time when doing four dates out of every seven days?

I think it's the practical, nitty-gritty, nuts-and-bolts of trying to make it work and all come together that gets us stuck. It's hard to make it work with no support from family or friends at all. My husband says he's willing to try. He even started reading "He Wins, She Wins" last night. We've even talked about signing up for the online program.

Dr. Harley has stated numerous times on his radio show that there were times when he didn't have family time.

You (and your husband) have to put the marriage first. That means he won't get family time with daughter. But that won't matter because if your marriage is thriving then you'll be happier and he'll be happier and when he does see her (even if it's only a few minutes a week) then it will be quality time.

And if family members aren't supportive of you saving your marriage you need to plan B them. They aren't going to help you. You'll have to find some other way to make it work.

You said husband is reading "he wins, she wins". Have you read "His needs, her needs for parents"? That's the book you should be reading.

Edited to add: Don't forget. UA time is NOT for negotiating things you and H disagree on. That is separate. UA time is only for meeting EN.

I'm sure you already know this, but I'll say it, anyway.

In any endeavor, the first step toward succeeding is to commit to it even though you don't know how to accomplish it, and the first step toward failing is to deem it impossible even before you try.

writer that really seems like a great idea to me. Get some help to get started putting this into practice. Let Dr. Harley and a coach take a look at your specific situation and they can probably make lots of very helpful specific recommendations. I know they did for me and Prisca.

I don't think DH spending no time with DD5 would make any of us happy. She adores him and is very much a daddy's girl. He loves spending time with her. I love spending time together as a family, and one of my top EN's is Family Commitment. I don't think I could be happy in a marriage where that need wasn't met.

I think this is our best bet too, and DH seems onboard with it. And, we finally have the money to do it.

Wow, that sounds great. Go for it!!! Good luck and hope you'll report back on what you are doing.

I think (as someone above said), taking the steps in the right direction is important, rather than trying to figure out how the whole journey will go before starting (that is overwhelming sometimes).

Well, if you decide to do the online program your coach and Dr. Harley will be able to advise on how best to work around this. It may be that a certain number of your hours are spent the 3 of you together.

Yea well Harley is very clear that the UA time is couple time...not family time.
He advocates 15 hrs per couple AND 15 hrs per family

I beg to differ about not finding time. As a full time working mom of 5 I think it should be possible to have time for the two of you, even 4 dates.

Your youngest should get used to going to bed at 19:00. She may then play or read for another 30 minutes, but stays in her room. That way, one of the older sons would be able to babysit, because he would not have to do anything. Even the neighbout could keep an eye on the house and rescue her in case of a fire .

Establish a routine. That should help. Also, the money you inherit from your mother should be used wisely, for college and a bit of babysitting.

Okay, feeling discouraged.

H keeps applying for jobs, has gotten one phone interview, but so far, nothing came of it. Nothing really seems to be happening on the job front at all. Things feel really stagnant and I don't know what to do about it.

Can he get someone to help him as a coach? Maybe through his university? Perhaps he needs help with how to speak during interviews, how to make good lasting impression, help with his resume, his professional demeanor, and also how to locate jobs and contacts through networking.

He says he has already contacted a job coach (not sure if it's through his school or somewhere else) and that he's doing everything they told him to do.

Honestly, I don't know what the problem is.

Writer-

I have followed your posts for the last while. I'm sorry that you lost your mom, and that things have been difficult for you.

I want to share what Dr. Harley wrote to somebody on the private forum:



I truly believe what Dr. Harley says here, because I have seen it happen in my own life with my husband. He is so much more hopeful and engaged with life, career, and especially me. Our life has improved from handicapped, to functional! We have hope for the future.

You and your husband BOTH could use some coaching help to improve your ability to solve problems and make decisions together. BTDT. I can't think of a better way to learn this than the MB Online Program, listening to the MB radio show together, and coming to the forum (as you do), even when it feels threatening.

I know that you are here, but sometimes our spouses need to learm and get their motivation from someone else.

I'd like to see you give it a try.

I hope you don't mind that I took the liberty of posting this here.

Obviously your husband is already trying to find a different job. I understand that you live in a high COL area.

I think that you guys should consider going to a church. Either the church of your childhood or another one. Surround yourselves with positive, successful people, and simultaneously learn to create different habits. The job market is very tight and networking is a great way to find a job. Many churches hold employment workshops where you go and network with employers directly.

A while back you were talking about UA time obstacles. I understand that the goal is to get out and away from the house together, but just because you are having difficulty accomplishing that doesn't man that you do nothing. There are still many things that you can do to fill love banks and have fun or connect despite limited time and money.

Here are some things we try to do to create UA time and prioritize our marriage:

Have a regular time each night that we are "Off Parent Duty". We can go into our room, and the kids are not to bother us unless it's urgent. They get a warning to approach us with needs prior to that time. We put a sofa in our bedroom, even though the space is small. We can play games, give foot rubs, discuss private matters, read, listen to MB radio, puzzles, etc. Lots of ways to meet UA. Some of my favorite dates have been when I was sick with a cold, hubby got affordable take out and we had dinner and a movie in bed with the kids watching their movie in the other room. Movies are great for when either party feels stressed out. Instead of separating, try a movie with a side dish of affection. Dessert is Sure to follow.

Find friends who are in a similar boat or which kids your child's age, and do a long day or overnight swap with them, once your child is old enough. You are in a good position since you could take a couple of their kids, and they only have to take your one.

Take your child and a friend to the park. They play together, and you sit a ways away playing a game, tennis, etc.

We've had a lot of fun picking berries. It is financially a net gain, if you find the right place. And it is a great RC setting conducive to IC and AF. You can pack a picnic and become experts. There are some great ideas on the internet for the best way to pick berries. Freeze the extras for smoothies since they are a healthy food. It's a great way to be alone in nature.

Get a babysitter, and go through a drive thru, using a coupon, then eat at a park or in your back seat. Great privacy!! Some people live in their cars. Why not eat dinner in it?

Find a place to eat that regularly sends out coupons, and go there weekly. Find a corner table, and spend 30 minutes planning your week out of the time you spend there. We like to do this with breakfast. The place we go has only a few good items, and we order the same thing, same corner table, same staff and who cares...same coupon. Use this time to discuss dreams and make weekend plans. Then go home and do them. If you schedule enough play dates for your daughter, eventually her friends will start to invite her. Every time she's invited, make a rule for yourselves that you spend that time together meeting needs. Buy an Entertainment book for 15- and only go to those restaurants. Keep the coupon mailer books in the car to go through on the fly. Great restaurants for UA need only have 1 great food dish, and a booth for privacy. Wherever you sit, make sure that YOU have a corner on your husbands visual market.

Take long walks together. Take a splitter to listen to MB radio archives. Then discuss. Exercise together. Go to the beach, take a friend for DD and do your own thing while she makes sand castles. Or take her to the skating rink and while she skates with a friend, have a soda with hubby (or even skate yourselves.)

Look at the company where DH works and see if there are any company resources usable for RC. Company discounts for amusement parks, health clubs, rec facilities, etc. Take advantage of those resources. Few people do.

These are things that you both can do, with a little effort. Once you find things you like, repeat regularly and often. They don't need to be earth-shattering events, they just need to be consistently pleasant and positive experiences.

I hope that helps some.

I think our UA time is about to take another hit. DH's work just announced mandatory overtime for at least the rest of this month. It looks like he'll be gone at least 13 hours a day, five days a week, for the remainder of March at the very least. One of his coworkers is about to go on maternity leave and they lost another rep last month, so they are down to a bare-bones crew and have no plans that I know of to hire anyone. I'm guessing the required overtime will extend at least through May, since his co-worker's baby is due in April and I'm not sure when she's planning on coming back. We still have weekends to do things together, but I know Dr. Harley doesn't advocate piling all of the UA hours into weekends only. Not sure what choice we're going to have though.

Nothing at all is happening on the job hunt front. DH is still applying to positions, but as far as I know, he's not getting many responses and not a single interview so far. This is just discouraging and demoralizing.

How about getting a headhunter? The best headhunting firm in your town and the best one in the place you want to move?